Blimey, I haven't been blogging much at all. Talk about being a changed woman. I have plenty of excuses to make and a great long list of things I'd like to say that I don't have time for but let's cut the crap.
Firstly: Happy Christmas! I hope that you all get the analogy of giving presents - that Jesus came to earth as a gift for all of mankind and that is why we celebrate on the 25th December! You didn't? More's the pity.
Second: Happy New Year! Did you realise (I didn't) that this isn't actually a new decade, since the first year A.D. wasn't actually 0 but rather 1, ergo this is the last year in the 201st decade since Jesus was given to mankind. Bit of a dampener isn't it? Still, Radio 1's list of the UK's top 100 purchases of the decade (link) was kinda interesting. Interesting and WRONG - in the top 10 HALF of them were winning tracks from television programmes such as Pop Idol and X-Factor :-O Analogise That! for what it says about British culture. I am disappointed in us all.
Though, to stay on topic for a moment, analogise the way facebook managed to get 'Rage Against the Machine' to Christmas number 1(link). Is it power to the people and a sign of the potential for world alteration through the unity of "insignificant" people? Lol. I particularly love the way that the runner up's X-Factor song 'The Climb' has the lyrics:
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
True dat.
The thing is, I'm not actually taking the piss. I even bought that track 'cause I'm all about the uphill battle and am well aware that though "my faith is shaking I gotta keep trying". Ridiculous? Or sublime? (I know my metaphor swapped sides halfway through - deal with it!)
In other news, all over England we have beautiful prophetic weather. I wrote a song about it last Feb, when we first got - to quote the Mayor of London - "the wrong kind of snow". It's called 'Snow Hope' and a bit of it goes like this:
S’a tiny flake of hope as I sit and wait
For the day that the weather will break
and a little piece of heaven will cover my world
One on it’s own the world would melt
Oh so fragile they can barely be felt
Yet they can halt life’s daily machine
You know it looks quite different when it all looks clean
Pause a while take stock and smile...
The way I see it, this country is basically brought to a stand-still when something bigger than them takes over. Getting in everyone's way because, actually, the world doesn't revolve about them and their way isn't The Way.
It's clearly an image of grace (being made clean) but I am particularly excited by how it's when all the flakes get together that they have a massive force. So strong that "the world" can't cope and they can't ignore or deny it either. People are gonna have to change, and fast, to deal with this outpouring. Each flake totally unique, beautiful and pure... with potential to make a HUOUGE difference.
Are we going to make that difference this year? I ruddy bloody hope so. I think we all need to be stopped in out tracks, before we drive off some proverbial cliff...
Hmmmm. I have enjoyed writing again, it's been far too long. Been expending lots of my words in other arenas you see... another time perhaps I'll share but until then: change the world. OK?
"What we need are more people who specialise in the impossible." - Theodore Roethke
P.S. But can they do it again? http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
Insight into humanity
What I would call a Very Telling found poem, that I read on Verbatim (link) (which I've told you about enough already).
I want to
I want to die.
I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
Google searches speaking of people searches, much? What is this world a-coming to.
I want to
I want to die.
I want to break free lyrics. I want
to be anorexic.
I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want
I want to be skinny; I want
to be a model.
I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
to know what love is
lyrics. I want
to get pregnant.
Google searches speaking of people searches, much? What is this world a-coming to.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The beginning of the end
What with it being the start of December I am tempted to say: "what happened to the last 6 months?" The first half went crazy slow but since about mid-June it has whizzed by in a blur. Not a particularly nice blur but I suppose if it's hard you want it to hurry out of the way. However, I will do no 'reviewing the year' until the actual end.
I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.
It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.
This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.
I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.
But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.
[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]
I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)
Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.
‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.
So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...
I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.
It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.
This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.
I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.
But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.
[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]
I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)
Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.
‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.
So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Stranger Danger
Some people say that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.
Most of my friends are strangers I only just met.
2.5 years ago my life got flipped turned upside-down and I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here and tell you how it happened... but I don't have time.
In that quarter decade I never have.
And though there have been moments where this is a symptom of over-working I don't think it is the main reason. Almost everything I do just feels so "right" and the things that aren't are difficult to spot but I'm working on it. I am living an amazing existence: my job has exciting potential to make a real difference, and open some major doors; I've started a "subversive" Christian newspaper that 2 weeks ago didn't exist but will (prayers said) be printed in 3 weeks - counter to all possibility. I'm coping quite well at the moment, having gotten past some massive internal struggles, and am seeing incredible occurrences on a daily basis. Church is flippin' fantastic and by golly I'm even starting to believe once more that good stuff can, nay will, happen.
But I haven't slept in the same bed continuously for as long as 2 weeks since I was in Russia this July.
And I don't know if I will until I go back.
Which is probably in 2 years time.
And it is foolish to plan that far ahead anyway.
Yet I've still got to at least try to learn the language, just in case...
I was hanging out with my equally busy, work-consumed missionary friend tonight for about 20 mins. We vowed (though accidentally broke it several times) to not talk about work. Here was our conversation:
Him: So, what sort of animal would you get?
Me: Well I was planning on "borrowing" one of my parents' cats but I'm too busy with...
[Pause]
Me: What's your favourite colour? Red?
Him: How did you know?
Me: Well, it's your car. But then you didn't choose that did you, you just had to get what you were given 'cause you're a poor missio...
[Pause, where we insulted Luke for talking geekily about Dr Who, before realising that he did, at least, have a hobby]
Me: Errrrr... what's your favourite reptile?
Him:
End of conversation.
I feel like I have no time for friends. I have nothing to talk about with friends apart from "business". The people I do know are all so relatively new and life keeps moving on so fast that sometimes I sit in the same room as them and feel like a stranger in my own life. Am I a friend I haven't met yet?
Sometimes I wish there was someone there to be my stability in this place of huge change. To know about the different parts of my life and be able to feel my pain and get me, even when I don't. Someone that doesn't feel strange. How is this even possible? Just supposing I had the time right now for a "significant other" to come along - which I don't - that level of closeness would still take ages to develop.
Then I remember this poem (that Nathan (link) posted on his blog a little while ago and gives a little bit of the info for it here (link)) and I think that maybe things will all be OK...
Abigail Burdess – All Kinds of Trouble
I’m in all kinds of trouble now,
The kind where you wake up on a train
And everything, everything’s strange
And where am I? And when did the season change?
I must have been asleep.
I’m sure I must be late.
I’m in all kinds of danger.
The stranger on the platform is not a proper stranger.
“You’re here with me,” he says, “isn’t it great?”
And he’s right.
The kind where there’s too much meaning on the edges of sight
Because he might be there.
The kind where you randomly weep.
I’m in deep, deep hot water.
In a boiling hot geyser
In the mists
In the midst
Of ridiculous Icelandic snow.
Y’know,
You should give up the fags and eat fruit,
Because life should last longer, this life should last longer
If someone like him exists.
Everybody. Lock away the razors and save your lovely wrists:
Someone like him exists.
I’m in every single kind of trouble now
The kind where a kind man could write himself a significant part.
I’m in very grave danger
Of a change of heart.
Most of my friends are strangers I only just met.
2.5 years ago my life got flipped turned upside-down and I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here and tell you how it happened... but I don't have time.
In that quarter decade I never have.
And though there have been moments where this is a symptom of over-working I don't think it is the main reason. Almost everything I do just feels so "right" and the things that aren't are difficult to spot but I'm working on it. I am living an amazing existence: my job has exciting potential to make a real difference, and open some major doors; I've started a "subversive" Christian newspaper that 2 weeks ago didn't exist but will (prayers said) be printed in 3 weeks - counter to all possibility. I'm coping quite well at the moment, having gotten past some massive internal struggles, and am seeing incredible occurrences on a daily basis. Church is flippin' fantastic and by golly I'm even starting to believe once more that good stuff can, nay will, happen.
But I haven't slept in the same bed continuously for as long as 2 weeks since I was in Russia this July.
And I don't know if I will until I go back.
Which is probably in 2 years time.
And it is foolish to plan that far ahead anyway.
Yet I've still got to at least try to learn the language, just in case...
I was hanging out with my equally busy, work-consumed missionary friend tonight for about 20 mins. We vowed (though accidentally broke it several times) to not talk about work. Here was our conversation:
Him: So, what sort of animal would you get?
Me: Well I was planning on "borrowing" one of my parents' cats but I'm too busy with...
[Pause]
Me: What's your favourite colour? Red?
Him: How did you know?
Me: Well, it's your car. But then you didn't choose that did you, you just had to get what you were given 'cause you're a poor missio...
[Pause, where we insulted Luke for talking geekily about Dr Who, before realising that he did, at least, have a hobby]
Me: Errrrr... what's your favourite reptile?
Him:
End of conversation.
I feel like I have no time for friends. I have nothing to talk about with friends apart from "business". The people I do know are all so relatively new and life keeps moving on so fast that sometimes I sit in the same room as them and feel like a stranger in my own life. Am I a friend I haven't met yet?
Sometimes I wish there was someone there to be my stability in this place of huge change. To know about the different parts of my life and be able to feel my pain and get me, even when I don't. Someone that doesn't feel strange. How is this even possible? Just supposing I had the time right now for a "significant other" to come along - which I don't - that level of closeness would still take ages to develop.
Then I remember this poem (that Nathan (link) posted on his blog a little while ago and gives a little bit of the info for it here (link)) and I think that maybe things will all be OK...
Abigail Burdess – All Kinds of Trouble
I’m in all kinds of trouble now,
The kind where you wake up on a train
And everything, everything’s strange
And where am I? And when did the season change?
I must have been asleep.
I’m sure I must be late.
I’m in all kinds of danger.
The stranger on the platform is not a proper stranger.
“You’re here with me,” he says, “isn’t it great?”
And he’s right.
The kind where there’s too much meaning on the edges of sight
Because he might be there.
The kind where you randomly weep.
I’m in deep, deep hot water.
In a boiling hot geyser
In the mists
In the midst
Of ridiculous Icelandic snow.
Y’know,
You should give up the fags and eat fruit,
Because life should last longer, this life should last longer
If someone like him exists.
Everybody. Lock away the razors and save your lovely wrists:
Someone like him exists.
I’m in every single kind of trouble now
The kind where a kind man could write himself a significant part.
I’m in very grave danger
Of a change of heart.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Patent Declaration of Hope on the Driveway
I got my car bashed into last week. Was a bit of a pain as it is technically undriveable now, though thankfully no-one was hurt and they accepted full responsibility. I opted to get the coach back to Bristol and make-do without, but when I found out it was going to take 2 weeks from now to get fixed I decided to take them up on the free courtesy car that I was entitled to. I was lead to believe it would be some kind of Clio - which would be fine but not my first choice.
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Not so cynical
I was a bit grumpy last time wasn't I?! I'm thinking about/trying not to be so cynical. There is a subtle difference between "keeping it real" and "being a miserable cow" that can't really be identified analytically but most people can sense (like trying to measure body heat with clos when you can just ask if they're comfy). I sense that I was being my "other me" then.
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Refresher
I went to freshers' fair today in Bristol. I am sort of vaguely, semi-intentionally, not yet fully decidedly how, doing some kind of student ministry this year. That could look like just about anything and I also have a part time job in London (did I mention?) that I've been doing for about a month thus far, so fitting it all in is a bit fun. But it does feel right, so long as I do it how God says to. Which, by the way, is a big 'if'.
Anyway. I went to see what was going on and to look for a feminist society - which I found and joined - 'cause I am kinda keen on female identity issues and thought they would be interesting to get to know. A few other things too, including the Russian Society - 'cause I am learning to speak that, and the Afro-Caribbean society - 'cause I want to learn to dance properly. I can say that 'cause I work with black people so I'm down wid it. It's not racism, it's International Banter.
I hate freshers' fair. It's like life. Far too busy; can't work out where lots of the stuff is that you wanna do and even if you know where they are, getting to them - through the crowds and broken/switched off lifts and general distractions and blockages - is bloody tough; too much choice and fun looking things that you know you don't have time for; necessary to engage with to get connected and make the most of the opportunity you've been presented with but still a lot of effort and doesn't really feel worth it at the time.
Yes. That is today's analogy. I wish I could stay in bed and watch box-sets every day but it turns out there is a lot going on. I'm trying to slow down - I don't want to burn out before I've even completed my recovery from last time.
Perhaps as I begin the rest of my life, like with actual university, I'll get to repeat my first year. Then take a break part way... scrape through to the end with an ok but not very good result... and curl up in a ball and die, wishing I'd made wiser choices with how to get the most out of my time there.
That doesn't actually sound like much fun. But I forgot to borrow season 1 (new) Doctor Who off of Luke so it seems my only plan thus far.
Sigh. I think I need a holiday.
Anyway. I went to see what was going on and to look for a feminist society - which I found and joined - 'cause I am kinda keen on female identity issues and thought they would be interesting to get to know. A few other things too, including the Russian Society - 'cause I am learning to speak that, and the Afro-Caribbean society - 'cause I want to learn to dance properly. I can say that 'cause I work with black people so I'm down wid it. It's not racism, it's International Banter.
I hate freshers' fair. It's like life. Far too busy; can't work out where lots of the stuff is that you wanna do and even if you know where they are, getting to them - through the crowds and broken/switched off lifts and general distractions and blockages - is bloody tough; too much choice and fun looking things that you know you don't have time for; necessary to engage with to get connected and make the most of the opportunity you've been presented with but still a lot of effort and doesn't really feel worth it at the time.
Yes. That is today's analogy. I wish I could stay in bed and watch box-sets every day but it turns out there is a lot going on. I'm trying to slow down - I don't want to burn out before I've even completed my recovery from last time.
Perhaps as I begin the rest of my life, like with actual university, I'll get to repeat my first year. Then take a break part way... scrape through to the end with an ok but not very good result... and curl up in a ball and die, wishing I'd made wiser choices with how to get the most out of my time there.
That doesn't actually sound like much fun. But I forgot to borrow season 1 (new) Doctor Who off of Luke so it seems my only plan thus far.
Sigh. I think I need a holiday.
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