Earth with a bump

I'm feeling a little disheartened.

I tend to think there are two types of people. Neither is better or worse you understand, we're just different.

The first is the sort that live a continuous journey of discovery, going where the river takes them as it were and being content, on the whole, with whatever happens... or if not then letting the solution be part of the "flow". They tend to be less driven for specific Big Things (by which I don't mean better) and sometimes (she speculates rashly) more wary of them. None of this is a bad way of doing life, it can often be very healthy, safe (in a good way) and productive.

The second live as though they have a list of errands to run. This doesn't mean they necessarily go fast, or they can't be flexible, but they have specific objectives in mind and they go for them. I am one of these sort. We tend to make sweeping generalisations as a part of this mindset :-P. It's not that I'm against going with the flow, far from it, but the surprises are always part of the details that I have in mind, even if I didn't know it before it happened. Perhaps this is the same as being "visionary" or some such word... Everything has to have a point and the little points make up the big point.

I have two very Big Plans at the moment. Music and Policy Making. They are both impossible to achieve without a good dose of the miraculous/very good fortune. They are both strong passions of mine and I can't think of anything else I'd rather head towards (especially with the lack of employment right now). I shall call myself a Mutician and it will be beautiful.

There have been a fair few number of "signs" too, analogies as it were, that have encouraged me with my plans. But the thing is, I don't know how much I believe in analogies anymore. I think perhaps I have been a bit rash in the past in practising what a game theorist might call 'cognitive dissonance' or what any one else would say is 'wishful thinking in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary'. I don't know but I reckon I may be doing the same now. Just because all things are possible doesn't mean all things will happen.

Yesterday I excitedly told a friend about The Plan and he said it was great to have all my energy, so long as I didn't hold onto it too tightly. I said I knew it was only possible with God so time would tell and I came away feeling confidant of my enthusiasm. As a type II person I tend to be a bit harsh with the way I view type I people's rationale and often end up having to eat my words. Like now. That phrase about 'holding on tightly or lightly' reminded me of another good friend, who is also quite type I (I think and hope that is an acceptable assessment to make), that talked recently about holding on lightly to a lack of Big Plans and enjoying life for where it was at. It seems that the theory works well for both types, perhaps even more so for the likes of me... I can get caught up on desires all too easily and, while it's good to dream, it's not good to invest everything in one place or (as I see it) make plans regardless of what God wants to do.

'Cause the thing is, and I do have an analogy even if I don't believe in it (!), yesterday I was driving around the M25 (a motorway) going from junction 26 to junction 15, to then change for the M4 (another motorway). I was praying on my way (this is not a holy statement. I can't program the radio very well and get bored easily, plus - wait for the rest of the story...) and I got so into it that the 45ish minute journey became an hour and 25 before I realised I was at junction 7! I had to come off and drive down the M32 all the way to Gatwick airport before I could turn around and retrace my steps. SO frustrating.

Thing is, I'm not at all sure I was praying the "right" prayers if I'm honest. I think I was so fixated on fervently asking for what I wanted that I missed where I was supposed to be going. What a waste.

My project. It's not really ground-breaking. At best it will be a well-written, finished rehash of ideas. Other people have said the same things better, which is fine, but the brilliant metaphor for hope of redemption in society isn't working out as I planned and that is a bit disappointing. Like a resolved journey that did at least get me home but didn't at all take the optimal route. 'Mathematical Models For Hope' is becoming 'Mathematical Models For Stating The Bleeding Obvious'. Today it doesn't feel like making the world a better place, it feels like all I can aim for is to get to my destination without any more blunders. It's cool that I refueled before I made my journey, and that I got the chance to undo the mistake, but getting waylaid can be a pretty disheartening experience... especially when it's by my own headstrong making and wouldn't have happened if I'd been more open-hearted.

As for music. Seriously? I get nervous when I meet minor, pathetic, day-time television celebrities. I couldn't get on stage.

I wonder how many more things these fingertips will have to let go of before I realise that I missed my turning, find a roundabout and start heading towards my true destination. The type I's have a point when they don't get caught up on goals. It is true that I think God has a plan for me but who am I to think I know what it is:

"For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 (link)

That's what God says. My version of aiming High is still very much based upon what people think is high, He has an entirely different view point. Jesus was the King that washed his disciples feet (link) for goodness sake.

So maybe I'll go be a maths teacher, as everyone keeps asking, and sing in a bar at the weekend to practise being bold. Nowt wrong with that. No-one is crying out for more Muticians but there's a definite shortage of people taking the time to show kids how to count.