"The best way to strip the allure and dreaminess from a lifelong dream is, very often, simply to have it come true"

I read this on 22 words (link) and I thought it was apt. Partly because it has a vague Russian link and I'm going there this Friday. Mostly because with all my talk about dreaming and all my dreams falling through I like the comfort!

This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.

Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.

I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.

Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.

I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.


Undone. Redone

Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?

Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare

Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime

Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.

But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance

With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.

Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot

Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.


Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.

The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.

I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.

With love,

Kat(i)e x

Don't think I'll be blogging much for a while. That's not a promise, I just don't feel like it right now and I'm going away soon too. For those that are interested I did finish my degree, I don't know what I got (though I find out in 2 days - the beauty of having a late extension is you don't have to wait long) and I haven't a clue what I am going to do next or for the rest of my life.

But I don't really care. At the moment I'm focusing on catching up sleep and getting away from it all... not quite ready yet to rejoin the world I'm meant to be a part of so a month overseas with strangers sounds perfect.

I'm excited about being creative in other ways for a while actually. Blogging's been my thing for over a year, perhaps it's time for a change.

See you around... or not.

I will run and not grow weary

My Achilles tendonitis did not stop me from finishing the 10k. It didn't even stop me running the whole way. It just made me a lot slower. Analogise That!

Tomorrow is the finish line and it will be moved no more. I will cross it. Up to but not over the edge.

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 (link)

I wish I'd thought of that

http://nedroidcomics.livejournal.com/230523.html

I love that this is a comic about strategies for spreading love.

Also that I found this website through intraweb sharing - it's all about SYNERGY.

Also that this morning my mum told me to listen to a program on radio 4 which just now became so relevant to my project having not seemed to be at the time. Synergy at work in a project about... synergy. The added value of togetherness. Love it!

Continuous themes in all aspects of life is my favourite.

Also, through "arbitrary" web-clickage and a train of thought seeded by some facebook comment then faciliated by "random" shuffle on i-tunes meant I:
a) Found out that Charles Spurgeon (link) got a lot done in his life and so it is possible.
b) Was motivated by a funny Norweigan preacher to go for Big and Impossible Dreams in the full knowledge I will face Disappointment, Discouragement and Distraction but to keep going anyway. Which was, inronically, a rejuvenating, encouraging and focusing message.

So, yeah, I'm feeling excited by dreaming again and, to top it all off, I've remembered another pair of knickers that were purchased at the same time as my 'Pants of Power' and I rather think they may be prophetic too:


"In your wildest dreams"

Excellent.

More an apology than an analogy

I'm just touching base to say that I was tired, hungry, hormonal and a little bit grumpy last night. My project is going much better and, though I stand by the premise that things are not to be held onto tightly and sometimes we should only look one foot ahead of us on the path (or one junction on the M25), I should not let this be mixed up with being in a Bad Mood. So sorry. Adding that sort of emotion in makes my worthwhile point see a lot less worthwhile. Basically, make sure you read the last post with a filter...

Back to the Dissertation of Trust, as I am currently calling it. I don't quite know where I am going with it so one step at a time is the strategy and I can only hope that'll get me there. The Good Thing is that the general message of the paper (hope in love) is the very thing that gets me through; so if I am right it'll be fantastic and if I'm wrong it'll be disastrous, which is basically how I feel about life anyway.

Oh and, just in case you don't follow the same blogs as me but wanna read stuff that I write (mum and dad), the Verbatim blog I evangelised about (link) a while ago just put up one of my poems! Check it out (link). The hope that everyone else on my course needed this advice is one of the things that is getting me through...!

Earth with a bump

I'm feeling a little disheartened.

I tend to think there are two types of people. Neither is better or worse you understand, we're just different.

The first is the sort that live a continuous journey of discovery, going where the river takes them as it were and being content, on the whole, with whatever happens... or if not then letting the solution be part of the "flow". They tend to be less driven for specific Big Things (by which I don't mean better) and sometimes (she speculates rashly) more wary of them. None of this is a bad way of doing life, it can often be very healthy, safe (in a good way) and productive.

The second live as though they have a list of errands to run. This doesn't mean they necessarily go fast, or they can't be flexible, but they have specific objectives in mind and they go for them. I am one of these sort. We tend to make sweeping generalisations as a part of this mindset :-P. It's not that I'm against going with the flow, far from it, but the surprises are always part of the details that I have in mind, even if I didn't know it before it happened. Perhaps this is the same as being "visionary" or some such word... Everything has to have a point and the little points make up the big point.

I have two very Big Plans at the moment. Music and Policy Making. They are both impossible to achieve without a good dose of the miraculous/very good fortune. They are both strong passions of mine and I can't think of anything else I'd rather head towards (especially with the lack of employment right now). I shall call myself a Mutician and it will be beautiful.

There have been a fair few number of "signs" too, analogies as it were, that have encouraged me with my plans. But the thing is, I don't know how much I believe in analogies anymore. I think perhaps I have been a bit rash in the past in practising what a game theorist might call 'cognitive dissonance' or what any one else would say is 'wishful thinking in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary'. I don't know but I reckon I may be doing the same now. Just because all things are possible doesn't mean all things will happen.

Yesterday I excitedly told a friend about The Plan and he said it was great to have all my energy, so long as I didn't hold onto it too tightly. I said I knew it was only possible with God so time would tell and I came away feeling confidant of my enthusiasm. As a type II person I tend to be a bit harsh with the way I view type I people's rationale and often end up having to eat my words. Like now. That phrase about 'holding on tightly or lightly' reminded me of another good friend, who is also quite type I (I think and hope that is an acceptable assessment to make), that talked recently about holding on lightly to a lack of Big Plans and enjoying life for where it was at. It seems that the theory works well for both types, perhaps even more so for the likes of me... I can get caught up on desires all too easily and, while it's good to dream, it's not good to invest everything in one place or (as I see it) make plans regardless of what God wants to do.

'Cause the thing is, and I do have an analogy even if I don't believe in it (!), yesterday I was driving around the M25 (a motorway) going from junction 26 to junction 15, to then change for the M4 (another motorway). I was praying on my way (this is not a holy statement. I can't program the radio very well and get bored easily, plus - wait for the rest of the story...) and I got so into it that the 45ish minute journey became an hour and 25 before I realised I was at junction 7! I had to come off and drive down the M32 all the way to Gatwick airport before I could turn around and retrace my steps. SO frustrating.

Thing is, I'm not at all sure I was praying the "right" prayers if I'm honest. I think I was so fixated on fervently asking for what I wanted that I missed where I was supposed to be going. What a waste.

My project. It's not really ground-breaking. At best it will be a well-written, finished rehash of ideas. Other people have said the same things better, which is fine, but the brilliant metaphor for hope of redemption in society isn't working out as I planned and that is a bit disappointing. Like a resolved journey that did at least get me home but didn't at all take the optimal route. 'Mathematical Models For Hope' is becoming 'Mathematical Models For Stating The Bleeding Obvious'. Today it doesn't feel like making the world a better place, it feels like all I can aim for is to get to my destination without any more blunders. It's cool that I refueled before I made my journey, and that I got the chance to undo the mistake, but getting waylaid can be a pretty disheartening experience... especially when it's by my own headstrong making and wouldn't have happened if I'd been more open-hearted.

As for music. Seriously? I get nervous when I meet minor, pathetic, day-time television celebrities. I couldn't get on stage.

I wonder how many more things these fingertips will have to let go of before I realise that I missed my turning, find a roundabout and start heading towards my true destination. The type I's have a point when they don't get caught up on goals. It is true that I think God has a plan for me but who am I to think I know what it is:

"For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 (link)

That's what God says. My version of aiming High is still very much based upon what people think is high, He has an entirely different view point. Jesus was the King that washed his disciples feet (link) for goodness sake.

So maybe I'll go be a maths teacher, as everyone keeps asking, and sing in a bar at the weekend to practise being bold. Nowt wrong with that. No-one is crying out for more Muticians but there's a definite shortage of people taking the time to show kids how to count.

The Cat of Redemption

I'm in London for one night only (well, probably two now actually, extended by popular demand) to visit some friends who were passing through, raid the folk's fridge and do my laundry. It's thus far proven successful on the first two accounts already and I only arrived last night.

When I got in about 11pm I saw my cat Tilly standing in the hallway. She is a shy thing, all black and half feral, who had only slightly begun to be sociable just before we got our psychotic dog four years ago. Since then her feral side had come out in full force as she spent all her time in the neighbour's shed, only coming in to eat and skulking round the house on person alert if it was cold outside. Yesterday she stood there for ages and looked at me.

The first thing I though was how lovely it was to see her there, sort of greeting me.

The second thing I thought was how very sad that the reason she was is that my psychotic dog got put down since I was last here (see this link), for (not surprisingly) being psychotic. At the time it was an analogy for things going horribly wrong in the world from the bad choices people make (though I didn't mean Wendy necessarily had a choice... but people do, however small it seems). Since that post I have experienced close at hand a shocking real example of this (see this link if you don't know what I mean but be prepared for sadness). I said no analogy befitted it but, since I really do believe in the premise of my blog that everything points towards something bigger, this tragedy too has proved to be an analogy for many things. One of which is, it turns out, unexpected life.

Sam's death brought new life. We have seen so much of it in the way communities have rallied round, friendships have deepened and God's comforting presence has been known. One woman I've heard of who turned her back on the idea of God many years ago, after the untimely death of her husband, was so impressed by the way that his parents have reacted that she became a Christian and got baptised last weekend. I acknowledge that this story only means something for Christians but it means a heck of a lot for us. No-one can deny the love that has been grown out of this darkness and, from our perspective, eternal life too. Wow.

Now, it sounds really clinical to say it's worth it. That's because it isn't. The effects of death can't be undone just like that, his family are heartbroken and will grieve for the rest of their lives. Their earthly lives. Yet being a both/and world it also is, even if we can't truly mean that in our hearts now, 'cause Sam isn't really dead. Once we get free from the now there will be no more grieving, and when that woman gets to heaven and meets him oh my will it be beautiful.

Anyway. This is a tricky conversation and I defy anyone to really know how to say that, particularly given half (made up statistic) my readers aren't Christians so won't agree at all. Back to the animals...

I am more of a dog person really and had just spent the evening with three delightful ones at Chris and Katherine's. [Actually, a another redemptive story about a dead dog is that his parent's puppy got tragically killed by a car about 6 months ago and when they did get a new one recently she was already named Grace. Isn't that lovely?] Wendy was magic (when she wasn't psychotic) and nothing can or ever will replace her but I love my cats too and we have three in the house, all of whom are experiencing a new lease of life with the death of a canine. Tilly came up to me in the kitchen this morning and was both scared of and desperate for attention... she let me "smooth" (as the Bristolians would say) her a while before she ran away. I can't wait to see how things will yet change.

[EDIT: She is SO different, even to how she was before the dog. I had a proper cuddle with her this morning for a good few minutes :-D]

The cat of redemption has reminded me that out of all things there can be brought forth good - light after the dark, sunshine after the rain, love after heartbreak, "life" after "death"... Life after Death...

I couldn't find a pic of Tilly quick to hand but this is Kitty and the shot is very cool... Analogise That!