I Don't Matter

I've been in the library for a lot of hours today. The progress made was, for me, entirely fabulous as I got back into my very exciting project (it will be like the longest blog post ever - which sounds like something that would come naturally to me!) and started to form all sorts of ideas in an almost organised way (my new strategy is to have a different word document for each one and then try and structure it from there). I have a sensible schedule these next two weeks of only doing the extra-curricular activities that I feel "lead" to. My attitude is that if I do what I am supposed and able to then that is all I need or should aim for. The rest (if that by itself isn't enough) is up to God in His infinite wisdom to orchestrate as, when and how He chooses. Chaos isn't chaos it is just that our perspective is so limited we can't see the pattern. That is how my head feels most of the time and so I am learning to relinquish control and trust that He knows the bigger picture.

This might sound impressively peaceful but I tell you I spent most of the year learning this lesson 'the hard way'. Walking down my road on the way home I remarked to myself just how freeing trust feels. This must be what the bible means when it says do not worry (link), having an external controller is the best thing ever! I then very quickly became aware of just how vulnerable this trust of mine is, how easily it could go and the dire side-effects that would result if it did. I wouldn't be a little bit stressed; the reason peace is so important to me is that I need it to function!

So I sort of made this concern into a prayer that begged it wouldn't go. Then, moments later, I walked past my car. It is parked just outside my front door on the other side of the road under a tree... and the window was wound a good way down...

Eeeeek! I went over, it was full of leaves (and covered in sap) but was still locked. So I dashed inside, grabbed the keys, spotted a note from my neighbour asking if the car with the open window was mine, went back and checked if Valerie had anything missing. Nothing. All my CDs in the glove pocket (and yes, I do have excellent taste), all my loose change and 'car snacks' (thanks Becca) still hanging about. Mouldy orange peel, check. She was untouched.

Now we have had several break-ins on our street over time. There is a school just up the road (though I know I'm stereotying the bored scally-wags of youth), the residential area is quite reputed for theft and, on top of this, it has been like that since I last drove on Tuesday night! I am so incapable...!

Yet how "fortunate" too. I feel protected and compensated for. Like who I was in my inadequacy didn't matter, because my mistake didn't render me missing out.

They say you should trust God but lock your car. That is a theological debate I ain't getting into but as an analogy it sort of makes sense that we should do what we can and then not fret about what we can't... even if what we can't is seemingly not enough. My open window was not doing what most people would say is "enough" but in that moment of utter insufficiency God was gracious. Story of my life really. What I do don't matter, and that is a good thing.

The other day my friend Mike asked me what I was going to get on my degree. [Aside: in decreasing order the possible grades in England are 1st, 2:1, 2:2, 3rd, pass, fail. If you get a 3rd or below people tend to think it is poor and a 2:2 is looked down on by academic snobs] I said I was most probably in the running for a 2:2 with a small chance of a 2:1 if God wanted me to get it for some reason (and I suppose technically a chance of a 1st if God wanted to do an actual miracle!). He said I was looking at it all wrong, that if my "plan" depended on a 2:1 I had to go get it, not that I would get it if my "plan" depended on a 2:1.

Now, obviously I have to try because the whole point of this relationship with God is that I should honour Him in all I do, which includes maths homework. But when it comes down to it, I will do my bit and my bit may well be rubbish. In fact, sometimes I will not even do my own small bit - that's how crap I can be - but even then He is merciful. It's not an excuse to do nothing (or worse) as Mike thought but it is a pretty wonderful place to be in: that even when faced with my failings He can and does override the inevitable and make things a safe, thief-free, place to thrive :-)