Lifeline

Today I did my last exam. Phewww.

I still have a dissertation to do and a history of not making deadlines. Some may say don't hold your breath... 26 days late is my longest record!

I call it a lifeline this time. I've been offered a lifeline to make up for my inadequacy. People say "deadline" is a phrase that stems from slavery, when to get a task completed by or else... I don't know if this is true. I do sort of feel like that is the (albeit pessimistic) case for this mortal coil though, in't it? We have to fit everything in before our deadline...

This is a meandering post that is sort of going wherever my 1am "I wish I was sleepy but I'm a bit out of sync and over-medicated and can't settle even though I only had 4 hours last night" mind will take it. Slavery - the bible talks about being a slave to sin. Hear me out, if we take out the word "sin" and replace it with "being a bit of a sh*t" then I reckon that is rather legit. It was my one year anniversary with Jesus yesterday (OMG His present to me was amazing but that is for another day) and my sis bought me this book that I haven't yet read but I flicked and it has a quote from C.S. Lewis (leg-end) that I thought was interesting and seems to fit:

"Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticise it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you to criticise the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God 'sending us' to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE Hell unless it is nipped in the bud." From The Great Divorce

I do love good old Clive, wow. He just puts into words, so eloquently and relatably, many notions that people often can't otherwise appreciate from the Bible. It matches (in my mind) how I have been trying to talk about the way darkness exists in the world through peoples' attitudes - not being excited by life or caring enough or joyful or loving or hopeful or enthusiastic and active to seek these things... Apathy being a good example. Or selfishness. Or compromise. Or fear.

On Sunday night I heard a really good sermon about being courageous. Afterwards the pastor was chatting with us students some more and he said something that really stuck in me. "If you are already fearless then you can't be courageous". Now. I have been rather getting carried away with my vehemency for change in this world and not stopping short of anything less than what probably seems intensely "radical". I've been called brave recently, that was actually for something quite specific but in general people are encouraging of my enthusiasm. Yet, well, in all my passion and heart and real intention to act I realise that I am not actually pushing myself. I am just a verbose (some may say gobby) drama queen who had such a rubbish life for so long that she is now logically embracing the truth she has found and pushing it to the max because, as a mathematician, it comes naturally to her to optimise return. In this oblivious place I can easily seem pushy, guilt-trippy and lately, I realised to my horror, passive aggressive (mostly sub-conscious but still loaded, sorry guys). But the thing is, I am not actually being nearly as bold as I may be implying because all this is what I like best anyway. I don't want to suggest (or believe) that unless people are like me they are not "going for broke" because while I have A Lot of energy and vision none of it is mustered, it just sort of is. The real proof of character is to step out for the things that take some effort, some extra (perhaps granted) power, some faith. Jade Goody was ott - it didn't made her brave it just made her loud.

I don't know quite what it is I must do in order to step out of my comfort zone but I do know that accepting the title of bravery is not really something that I can do yet. Bravery is a choice, not a character trait, but it is measured in relation to personality and if I am a fan of "extreme living" (so long as it isn't in sports) then I have to find something else to improve at. There are plenty of weak areas it's just most of them don't involve speaking or acting out! Perhaps the opposite...

In fact I think I may have been letting darkness in and disguising it as light; hiding a grumble in legitimate disappointment and righteous anger. That has got to be more dangerous than being a regular moaner. Oh I so appreciate being forgiven (by people and God alike) when I mess up in this way - it's the lifeline again, yet another chance.

Did that segue nicely back to the start of the post? Do I have a point? I don't know. Not feeling that clear in my head but somehow, in my heart, I do. I have freedom and it doesn't stem from emotional independence, academic closure, listening to Nina Simone (link) (though that does help) or even living in my privileged, literally unchained existence with all the love and beauty I have around me in the world. It is the love in my heart that means I am free despite the fact that I have had a pretty "hellish" few weeks with just about every tragic/emotional/work pressured/relational/physical/health-related/mentally unstable/personal failing issue arising a girl could wish for. This thrice now extended (record is 6) project pends too and I have a lot of tasks to squeeze in that need sorting before summer... but I just wish I could share all the love that's in my heart 'cause it is the reason I don't feel enslaved by the stuff above (granted I do sometimes - again with the 'both/and/now/not yet' thang). Living with a lifeline is so much better than a deadline, it's yet another analogy for the fullness and "Kingdom" that I bang on about. Who doesn't want that? (Apart from Lord Humperdink of course but I reckon even he would if he could.)

I'm pretty busy these next couple of weeks, boldly going where no Kat(i)e has ever gone before - the library. Pray for me if you don't mind (you don't have to believe it) and I'll see you around...

Lataz :-)

Love Cadette

A post to share the sermon I recommended that was preached on Sunday:

http://www.woodlandschurch.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=226&Itemid=119

It's the most recent one called "Vision for Growth" by Dave Mitchell. That was the intended topic of that morning see. It is also, in a very real way, a part of what happens off the back of the accident. As I talked about being a Wolverine yesterday, with passion from devastation to fight evil, I could see that increased vision for the advancement of the Kingdom/fullness of life/good things/perfection/true love. It kicked it home.

But the thing that is most important is the LOVE. Fighting dark with light, evil with good, wrong with right. That is a clear message of the sermon. Not surrendering, as Wolverine was at risk of doing, to being driven by bitterness and a lust for revenge.

We had nickname doing kids work on Saturday because they couldn't have their real name displayed in public (a protection again the sad fact of the dark things of world). We had bandannas which we customised and mine said "Love Cadette". I must remember this, when we go forth. It isn't about revenge but redemption.

One interesting point I just want to highlight (for those that don't listen to it) from the sermon was the question of why. In John 9 it looks like Jesus may give an answer as to why bad things happen:

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus.

Simple enough, good clarifier. The next bit Dave explains as having no grammar in the original Hebrew and so I write it without:

"but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

Looking at the version of punctuation in the link it may suggest that this happened to display the work of God. That don't sound like my God. The suggestion then is perhaps rather:

"but this happened. So that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me..."

It just happened. We haven't the answer but it is time to get on with the work to display God, that is, display love (link). Get on with bringing the light before it is too late.

"night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

It's the classic "life is too short." While we still can there is light, love, to be brought. You don't have to be sent by God to see that need. You don't have to be told by Jesus that time is running out.

What is your source of light and are you lighting the world? It's all about being a love cadette, not an angry ambitious wolfman gone awol. Nor a circus freak that runs away from confrontation and hides in a tent, playing with lightbulbs and earning the odd dollar from his gift (that one is a more obscure reference... you will need to have seen the film!) - he didn't win his battle when the time came and Wolverine missed the point in the end.

X-Men Origins and Divine DJing

I went to see this tonight. It don't know how good it was. It think it might have been very bad but I was so busy being analogised that I didn't care.

In short: there is a whole lot of evil out there that needs fighting.

Other things that happened to me today were - God took me shopping and bought me a new prophetic T-shirt. It says:

TRUE LOVE FOREVER

Amen to that.

I am aware of late just How Much more there is than this life. I don't think I care anymore about what is going to happen to me, I just want to have metal bound to my skeleton so I am strong enough to fight the baddies. You have to be riled up to feel like this and I reckon I have been by all the tragedy. No matter how much it hurts - the liberation of thousands of caged, abused, helpless victims is what matters. I think sometimes the shit has to hit the fan to really see this. The trappings have to be stripped away. The security in the fleeting things let go.

It is good. When we have a total eclipse of the heart (link) we realise that forever just has to start tonight. The harsh truth that things are falling apart stands but there is still love in the dark and, with the help of some fortified mutation, there are a whole load of captives needing to be released all the more urgently now.

Jesus was my DJ all the way home, see. Another of the many pertinent tracks that came up random on my ipod was "The Man in Black" by Johnny Cash himself. He was kinda pissed at the way of things too.

This is my verse in particular:

"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black."

I don't know if things are bright enough yet for a rainbow. "'Til we start to make a move to make a few things right"... are we doing that enough? Clearly no.

But Wolverine was a pretty angry man. I don't want my passion at loss to turn me black. I think, all this said, it is still rainbow time now. After all, if we gotta imagine that brighter future (link) then I suppose we gotta wear the rainbow to show we believe.

If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain. One more prophecy from Johnny... Yesterday, whilst praying for rain to stop, this track (link) popped up (straight after this one (link) actually!). At the end a monologue that linked to the next song about cotton pickin' played. This is what it said:

"My mother always said if you look for it, if you’re committed to the Lord, that there’s a blessing that will always come in times of adversity. Well I couldn’t see it, you know, a blessing in that flood that run us out of our home for two weeks... but we came back from the hills and the blessing was there alright. The land was covered with rich black river dirt… and Daddy planted the cotton crop… and the cotton grew taller that next year than ever before. And everything good happened at pickin’ time if anything good was gonna happen. And that year we had a great pickin’ time."

Sometimes my stupid hope gets me into trouble, when I just can't help using it for the irrelevant stuff. But I reckon with all the rain that's been falling lately I might just need it to keep a hold of this significant promise of blessed white fields to come.

Turn around bright eyes. Head to higher ground. Forever, true love, starts tonight. We're just a step from heaven (link). There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning (link) and, though we're soaking through and through, He's handing us a towel (link). Hope. Sometimes it's all we got. I think it might be all the more important now.

Tomorrow I will wear some rainbows, whether I feel like it or not. And the new T-shirt, of course - it's all about the True Love... 'cause it lasts Forever.