What with it being the start of December I am tempted to say: "what happened to the last 6 months?" The first half went crazy slow but since about mid-June it has whizzed by in a blur. Not a particularly nice blur but I suppose if it's hard you want it to hurry out of the way. However, I will do no 'reviewing the year' until the actual end.
I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.
It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.
This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.
I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.
But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.
[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]
I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)
Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.
‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.
So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Patent Declaration of Hope on the Driveway
I got my car bashed into last week. Was a bit of a pain as it is technically undriveable now, though thankfully no-one was hurt and they accepted full responsibility. I opted to get the coach back to Bristol and make-do without, but when I found out it was going to take 2 weeks from now to get fixed I decided to take them up on the free courtesy car that I was entitled to. I was lead to believe it would be some kind of Clio - which would be fine but not my first choice.
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Not so cynical
I was a bit grumpy last time wasn't I?! I'm thinking about/trying not to be so cynical. There is a subtle difference between "keeping it real" and "being a miserable cow" that can't really be identified analytically but most people can sense (like trying to measure body heat with clos when you can just ask if they're comfy). I sense that I was being my "other me" then.
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Because it's too cool not to share
What's the deal with prime numbers? Did you know this about them:
http://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/09/11/the-ulam-spiral/
Cool, much?
In other random passing comments:
Shout out to a reader in Greece! Please reveal yourself, I've noticed you for a while and am feeling curious and friendly :-)
I've started Twittering. I'm not sure if I will keep it up but I'm called Basic Kate if you are interested and I am currently experimenting with only doing it in the 2nd person... because 3rd and 1st are so passé.
I have experienced many declaration of randomness and joy recently so am quietly optimistic about the future, in particular because:
a) I now have orange hair and everyone knows that the future's bright, the future's orange (link).
b) There are public pianos on the streets of Bristol, which means we can dance and generally feed love (with music).
I saw a hen party gather around one of the pianos, all dressed in their silly hats and looking chavy, and one of them started playing classical music really well. Expect the unexpected. She then played 'Winnie the Pooh', which I had watched repetitively for a week this summer whilst babysitting and it makes me think of blustery days, which makes me think of the winds of change...
There is hope yet. Summer sucked but this late bit of good weather is all about things coming right eventually. Just gotta wait it out.
Anyway. Just dropping by, got a lot to do, but I will be back I think... and perhaps one day soon I'll tell you a story about the future being bright and where the orange thing first came from (it wasn't really a mobile phone ad but a funny shaped carrot). It's quite an old anecdote, from before everything went bad. Perhaps bringing it back is exactly what we need for this new start. September always feels like a new start to me.
Lataz x
http://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/09/11/the-ulam-spiral/
Cool, much?
In other random passing comments:
Shout out to a reader in Greece! Please reveal yourself, I've noticed you for a while and am feeling curious and friendly :-)
I've started Twittering. I'm not sure if I will keep it up but I'm called Basic Kate if you are interested and I am currently experimenting with only doing it in the 2nd person... because 3rd and 1st are so passé.
I have experienced many declaration of randomness and joy recently so am quietly optimistic about the future, in particular because:
a) I now have orange hair and everyone knows that the future's bright, the future's orange (link).
b) There are public pianos on the streets of Bristol, which means we can dance and generally feed love (with music).
I saw a hen party gather around one of the pianos, all dressed in their silly hats and looking chavy, and one of them started playing classical music really well. Expect the unexpected. She then played 'Winnie the Pooh', which I had watched repetitively for a week this summer whilst babysitting and it makes me think of blustery days, which makes me think of the winds of change...
There is hope yet. Summer sucked but this late bit of good weather is all about things coming right eventually. Just gotta wait it out.
Anyway. Just dropping by, got a lot to do, but I will be back I think... and perhaps one day soon I'll tell you a story about the future being bright and where the orange thing first came from (it wasn't really a mobile phone ad but a funny shaped carrot). It's quite an old anecdote, from before everything went bad. Perhaps bringing it back is exactly what we need for this new start. September always feels like a new start to me.
Lataz x
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Stuck... in... traffic... and some songs from some Jacks
This analogy has been far too long in the making. It will be published tonight.
The lack of completion is itself symptomatic of where I have been "at": stuck in a traffic jam.
My past year (if not 23) has been pretty intense. The running theme, which were you a regular reader you would not have been able to avoid, is refinement: fire & purification; my weakness => His strength... and all that jazz. Seeing hope despite hate has been pretty key too, in fact most of Analogise That! seems to be about belligerent optimism in the face of despair.
Then lately, which I haven't really shared - a combination of being away and also being too tired and miserable to write - I have felt like I dropped below the hope threshold. Jack Johnson said I didn't always have to hold my head higher than my heart (link) and I glad I got his permission because I really haven't been. I've no longer had capacity to "dance on" (link) and worryingly far from feeling like God is making up for it. (That said, my trip to Russia was a crazy example of God being bigger than me, emphasized in particular by me being so tiny I could not even see it... but more another time). My last post was indicative of this (or tried t0 be) as I shared my lack of certainty in what I was seeing or believing. What was perhaps even more telling was the way I wrote in a sort of confusing and messy way! The fact is, my resources are low. I have nothing left to give and it has left me a *little* out of sorts.
The lesson, which I can so easily hear but no so easily apply, is one that says physical well-being is a really key part of emotional and spiritual health. After burning the candle at both ends for so long it is time to stop. STOP. There is a bible story about this dude called Elijah who had an amazing time seeing God at work (see here in 1 Kings 18 (link)) then, next thing you know, he is running afraid for his life and wants to die (check out 1 Kings 19 (link) if you fancy it)...
A moment for an aside about wanting to die: There's this new song by Just Jack (link) that I am still processing - lovely or not? I think it rather depends on if you watch the video but I know that like Elijah, and Paul (link), death doesn't at all feel like the worst thing that could happen to me these days. Suppose it depends on what death means to oneself. Anyway, back to the story...
So he falls asleep under a tree before an angel comes and feeds him, whereupon he sleeps and eats again. Following this he gets just enough energy to go hide in a cave, at which point he sleeps again. Now I know I've had angels looking after me, particularly when I was away (I'll write about that another time perhaps but I read a cool blog about angels (link) once, by a friend of a friend, if you're interested) and I sure as hell know I need to do a lot of eating and sleeping at the moment (where possible I've been getting up to have breakfast then going straight back to bed again - oh happy day!) and that, having barely gotten through some intense journeys, it is now time to hide in my cave and wait for it to be over.
God really spoke to me about this "low point" when I was stuck on the M25 for over 2 hours the week before last, in a traffic jam on my way back to Bristol. It was all about waiting for the wreckage to clear. Not just being patient but to be really making the most of the break... and to recognise that I was So Tired I was nearly asleep and it was probably better that I wasn't going faster than an intermittent 20mph. Enough risks have been taken so stop already. After 2 weeks of processing I can see that I am supposed to be in the queue and that the best way to live a life that feels like it's affected by metaphorical crashing is to not stress but rather accept the situation and get what I can from it. Turn up the radio, shut my eyes, then maybe read a book if I feel more awake and make eye contact with the cute passing motorist(s)! As with the traffic, I have a propensity to start off frustrated and willing it to stop but in time accepting and, following a change of perspective, beginning to appreciate the change of pace and lack of purposeful direction. Take advantage of the blockages, they may well be from an angel.
A good friend wrote a blog recently that was ironically opposite to this. I ain't gonna be passive aggressive, upfront I tells ya that it was annoyingly soppy about a road trip he was taking with his fab new gf! But I know really that it's cool to appreciate the good things in other people's lives and now I have had some sleep all cynicism has passed so I am once again happy for them and just loving the appropriateness of the metaphor that part of his "journey" was going on a journey :-) My "journey" is not the same but it's not supposed to be actually. Last time I tried to "accelerate home" I ended up overshooting by 7 junctions (link) and having to do a direct and humbling retrace. Whoops. Next time I'm not speeding anywhere till I have paid a lot more attention to the destination.
So I've been in recuperation mode, to the point that on Monday my dear mother came all the way to Bristol on the bus to drive me home in my own car. Bless her. Back in my cave with just enough energy to make it and be thoroughly attended by angelic(ish) hosts!
.
.
.
All this said, I accepted a job yesterday that starts in a month! The 1st of August is suddenly upon us and I realise I need to get my life sorted out now so that things don't go horribly wrong when I enter the real world! It seems that the traffic is slightly starting to clear and the next stage of my journey, whatever that involves, looms. I feel able to blog again as I get into a slightly more even flow... and having only just gotten used to the stop/start motion. Better make the most of still being quite slow I suddenly see, knowing just how quickly a road can clear...
I leave you on some FUNNY (link): the horrors of traffic, the lust for other people's failures. It's a shame in a way that he's so close to real life but hey, at least we know the truth about jams :o)
The lack of completion is itself symptomatic of where I have been "at": stuck in a traffic jam.
My past year (if not 23) has been pretty intense. The running theme, which were you a regular reader you would not have been able to avoid, is refinement: fire & purification; my weakness => His strength... and all that jazz. Seeing hope despite hate has been pretty key too, in fact most of Analogise That! seems to be about belligerent optimism in the face of despair.
Then lately, which I haven't really shared - a combination of being away and also being too tired and miserable to write - I have felt like I dropped below the hope threshold. Jack Johnson said I didn't always have to hold my head higher than my heart (link) and I glad I got his permission because I really haven't been. I've no longer had capacity to "dance on" (link) and worryingly far from feeling like God is making up for it. (That said, my trip to Russia was a crazy example of God being bigger than me, emphasized in particular by me being so tiny I could not even see it... but more another time). My last post was indicative of this (or tried t0 be) as I shared my lack of certainty in what I was seeing or believing. What was perhaps even more telling was the way I wrote in a sort of confusing and messy way! The fact is, my resources are low. I have nothing left to give and it has left me a *little* out of sorts.
The lesson, which I can so easily hear but no so easily apply, is one that says physical well-being is a really key part of emotional and spiritual health. After burning the candle at both ends for so long it is time to stop. STOP. There is a bible story about this dude called Elijah who had an amazing time seeing God at work (see here in 1 Kings 18 (link)) then, next thing you know, he is running afraid for his life and wants to die (check out 1 Kings 19 (link) if you fancy it)...
A moment for an aside about wanting to die: There's this new song by Just Jack (link) that I am still processing - lovely or not? I think it rather depends on if you watch the video but I know that like Elijah, and Paul (link), death doesn't at all feel like the worst thing that could happen to me these days. Suppose it depends on what death means to oneself. Anyway, back to the story...
So he falls asleep under a tree before an angel comes and feeds him, whereupon he sleeps and eats again. Following this he gets just enough energy to go hide in a cave, at which point he sleeps again. Now I know I've had angels looking after me, particularly when I was away (I'll write about that another time perhaps but I read a cool blog about angels (link) once, by a friend of a friend, if you're interested) and I sure as hell know I need to do a lot of eating and sleeping at the moment (where possible I've been getting up to have breakfast then going straight back to bed again - oh happy day!) and that, having barely gotten through some intense journeys, it is now time to hide in my cave and wait for it to be over.
God really spoke to me about this "low point" when I was stuck on the M25 for over 2 hours the week before last, in a traffic jam on my way back to Bristol. It was all about waiting for the wreckage to clear. Not just being patient but to be really making the most of the break... and to recognise that I was So Tired I was nearly asleep and it was probably better that I wasn't going faster than an intermittent 20mph. Enough risks have been taken so stop already. After 2 weeks of processing I can see that I am supposed to be in the queue and that the best way to live a life that feels like it's affected by metaphorical crashing is to not stress but rather accept the situation and get what I can from it. Turn up the radio, shut my eyes, then maybe read a book if I feel more awake and make eye contact with the cute passing motorist(s)! As with the traffic, I have a propensity to start off frustrated and willing it to stop but in time accepting and, following a change of perspective, beginning to appreciate the change of pace and lack of purposeful direction. Take advantage of the blockages, they may well be from an angel.
A good friend wrote a blog recently that was ironically opposite to this. I ain't gonna be passive aggressive, upfront I tells ya that it was annoyingly soppy about a road trip he was taking with his fab new gf! But I know really that it's cool to appreciate the good things in other people's lives and now I have had some sleep all cynicism has passed so I am once again happy for them and just loving the appropriateness of the metaphor that part of his "journey" was going on a journey :-) My "journey" is not the same but it's not supposed to be actually. Last time I tried to "accelerate home" I ended up overshooting by 7 junctions (link) and having to do a direct and humbling retrace. Whoops. Next time I'm not speeding anywhere till I have paid a lot more attention to the destination.
So I've been in recuperation mode, to the point that on Monday my dear mother came all the way to Bristol on the bus to drive me home in my own car. Bless her. Back in my cave with just enough energy to make it and be thoroughly attended by angelic(ish) hosts!
.
.
.
All this said, I accepted a job yesterday that starts in a month! The 1st of August is suddenly upon us and I realise I need to get my life sorted out now so that things don't go horribly wrong when I enter the real world! It seems that the traffic is slightly starting to clear and the next stage of my journey, whatever that involves, looms. I feel able to blog again as I get into a slightly more even flow... and having only just gotten used to the stop/start motion. Better make the most of still being quite slow I suddenly see, knowing just how quickly a road can clear...
I leave you on some FUNNY (link): the horrors of traffic, the lust for other people's failures. It's a shame in a way that he's so close to real life but hey, at least we know the truth about jams :o)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"The best way to strip the allure and dreaminess from a lifelong dream is, very often, simply to have it come true"
I read this on 22 words (link) and I thought it was apt. Partly because it has a vague Russian link and I'm going there this Friday. Mostly because with all my talk about dreaming and all my dreams falling through I like the comfort!
This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.
Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.
I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.
Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.
I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.
Undone. Redone
Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?
Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare
Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime
Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.
But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance
With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.
Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot
Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.
Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.
The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.
I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.
With love,
Kat(i)e x
This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.
Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.
I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.
Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.
I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.
Undone. Redone
Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?
Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare
Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime
Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.
But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance
With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.
Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot
Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.
Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.
The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.
I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.
With love,
Kat(i)e x
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
More an apology than an analogy
I'm just touching base to say that I was tired, hungry, hormonal and a little bit grumpy last night. My project is going much better and, though I stand by the premise that things are not to be held onto tightly and sometimes we should only look one foot ahead of us on the path (or one junction on the M25), I should not let this be mixed up with being in a Bad Mood. So sorry. Adding that sort of emotion in makes my worthwhile point see a lot less worthwhile. Basically, make sure you read the last post with a filter...
Back to the Dissertation of Trust, as I am currently calling it. I don't quite know where I am going with it so one step at a time is the strategy and I can only hope that'll get me there. The Good Thing is that the general message of the paper (hope in love) is the very thing that gets me through; so if I am right it'll be fantastic and if I'm wrong it'll be disastrous, which is basically how I feel about life anyway.
Oh and, just in case you don't follow the same blogs as me but wanna read stuff that I write (mum and dad), the Verbatim blog I evangelised about (link) a while ago just put up one of my poems! Check it out (link). The hope that everyone else on my course needed this advice is one of the things that is getting me through...!
Back to the Dissertation of Trust, as I am currently calling it. I don't quite know where I am going with it so one step at a time is the strategy and I can only hope that'll get me there. The Good Thing is that the general message of the paper (hope in love) is the very thing that gets me through; so if I am right it'll be fantastic and if I'm wrong it'll be disastrous, which is basically how I feel about life anyway.
Oh and, just in case you don't follow the same blogs as me but wanna read stuff that I write (mum and dad), the Verbatim blog I evangelised about (link) a while ago just put up one of my poems! Check it out (link). The hope that everyone else on my course needed this advice is one of the things that is getting me through...!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Lifeline
Today I did my last exam. Phewww.
I still have a dissertation to do and a history of not making deadlines. Some may say don't hold your breath... 26 days late is my longest record!
I call it a lifeline this time. I've been offered a lifeline to make up for my inadequacy. People say "deadline" is a phrase that stems from slavery, when to get a task completed by or else... I don't know if this is true. I do sort of feel like that is the (albeit pessimistic) case for this mortal coil though, in't it? We have to fit everything in before our deadline...
This is a meandering post that is sort of going wherever my 1am "I wish I was sleepy but I'm a bit out of sync and over-medicated and can't settle even though I only had 4 hours last night" mind will take it. Slavery - the bible talks about being a slave to sin. Hear me out, if we take out the word "sin" and replace it with "being a bit of a sh*t" then I reckon that is rather legit. It was my one year anniversary with Jesus yesterday (OMG His present to me was amazing but that is for another day) and my sis bought me this book that I haven't yet read but I flicked and it has a quote from C.S. Lewis (leg-end) that I thought was interesting and seems to fit:
"Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticise it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you to criticise the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God 'sending us' to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE Hell unless it is nipped in the bud." From The Great Divorce
I do love good old Clive, wow. He just puts into words, so eloquently and relatably, many notions that people often can't otherwise appreciate from the Bible. It matches (in my mind) how I have been trying to talk about the way darkness exists in the world through peoples' attitudes - not being excited by life or caring enough or joyful or loving or hopeful or enthusiastic and active to seek these things... Apathy being a good example. Or selfishness. Or compromise. Or fear.
On Sunday night I heard a really good sermon about being courageous. Afterwards the pastor was chatting with us students some more and he said something that really stuck in me. "If you are already fearless then you can't be courageous". Now. I have been rather getting carried away with my vehemency for change in this world and not stopping short of anything less than what probably seems intensely "radical". I've been called brave recently, that was actually for something quite specific but in general people are encouraging of my enthusiasm. Yet, well, in all my passion and heart and real intention to act I realise that I am not actually pushing myself. I am just a verbose (some may say gobby) drama queen who had such a rubbish life for so long that she is now logically embracing the truth she has found and pushing it to the max because, as a mathematician, it comes naturally to her to optimise return. In this oblivious place I can easily seem pushy, guilt-trippy and lately, I realised to my horror, passive aggressive (mostly sub-conscious but still loaded, sorry guys). But the thing is, I am not actually being nearly as bold as I may be implying because all this is what I like best anyway. I don't want to suggest (or believe) that unless people are like me they are not "going for broke" because while I have A Lot of energy and vision none of it is mustered, it just sort of is. The real proof of character is to step out for the things that take some effort, some extra (perhaps granted) power, some faith. Jade Goody was ott - it didn't made her brave it just made her loud.
I don't know quite what it is I must do in order to step out of my comfort zone but I do know that accepting the title of bravery is not really something that I can do yet. Bravery is a choice, not a character trait, but it is measured in relation to personality and if I am a fan of "extreme living" (so long as it isn't in sports) then I have to find something else to improve at. There are plenty of weak areas it's just most of them don't involve speaking or acting out! Perhaps the opposite...
In fact I think I may have been letting darkness in and disguising it as light; hiding a grumble in legitimate disappointment and righteous anger. That has got to be more dangerous than being a regular moaner. Oh I so appreciate being forgiven (by people and God alike) when I mess up in this way - it's the lifeline again, yet another chance.
Did that segue nicely back to the start of the post? Do I have a point? I don't know. Not feeling that clear in my head but somehow, in my heart, I do. I have freedom and it doesn't stem from emotional independence, academic closure, listening to Nina Simone (link) (though that does help) or even living in my privileged, literally unchained existence with all the love and beauty I have around me in the world. It is the love in my heart that means I am free despite the fact that I have had a pretty "hellish" few weeks with just about every tragic/emotional/work pressured/relational/physical/health-related/mentally unstable/personal failing issue arising a girl could wish for. This thrice now extended (record is 6) project pends too and I have a lot of tasks to squeeze in that need sorting before summer... but I just wish I could share all the love that's in my heart 'cause it is the reason I don't feel enslaved by the stuff above (granted I do sometimes - again with the 'both/and/now/not yet' thang). Living with a lifeline is so much better than a deadline, it's yet another analogy for the fullness and "Kingdom" that I bang on about. Who doesn't want that? (Apart from Lord Humperdink of course but I reckon even he would if he could.)
I'm pretty busy these next couple of weeks, boldly going where no Kat(i)e has ever gone before - the library. Pray for me if you don't mind (you don't have to believe it) and I'll see you around...
Lataz :-)
I still have a dissertation to do and a history of not making deadlines. Some may say don't hold your breath... 26 days late is my longest record!
I call it a lifeline this time. I've been offered a lifeline to make up for my inadequacy. People say "deadline" is a phrase that stems from slavery, when to get a task completed by or else... I don't know if this is true. I do sort of feel like that is the (albeit pessimistic) case for this mortal coil though, in't it? We have to fit everything in before our deadline...
This is a meandering post that is sort of going wherever my 1am "I wish I was sleepy but I'm a bit out of sync and over-medicated and can't settle even though I only had 4 hours last night" mind will take it. Slavery - the bible talks about being a slave to sin. Hear me out, if we take out the word "sin" and replace it with "being a bit of a sh*t" then I reckon that is rather legit. It was my one year anniversary with Jesus yesterday (OMG His present to me was amazing but that is for another day) and my sis bought me this book that I haven't yet read but I flicked and it has a quote from C.S. Lewis (leg-end) that I thought was interesting and seems to fit:
"Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticise it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you to criticise the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God 'sending us' to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE Hell unless it is nipped in the bud." From The Great Divorce
I do love good old Clive, wow. He just puts into words, so eloquently and relatably, many notions that people often can't otherwise appreciate from the Bible. It matches (in my mind) how I have been trying to talk about the way darkness exists in the world through peoples' attitudes - not being excited by life or caring enough or joyful or loving or hopeful or enthusiastic and active to seek these things... Apathy being a good example. Or selfishness. Or compromise. Or fear.
On Sunday night I heard a really good sermon about being courageous. Afterwards the pastor was chatting with us students some more and he said something that really stuck in me. "If you are already fearless then you can't be courageous". Now. I have been rather getting carried away with my vehemency for change in this world and not stopping short of anything less than what probably seems intensely "radical". I've been called brave recently, that was actually for something quite specific but in general people are encouraging of my enthusiasm. Yet, well, in all my passion and heart and real intention to act I realise that I am not actually pushing myself. I am just a verbose (some may say gobby) drama queen who had such a rubbish life for so long that she is now logically embracing the truth she has found and pushing it to the max because, as a mathematician, it comes naturally to her to optimise return. In this oblivious place I can easily seem pushy, guilt-trippy and lately, I realised to my horror, passive aggressive (mostly sub-conscious but still loaded, sorry guys). But the thing is, I am not actually being nearly as bold as I may be implying because all this is what I like best anyway. I don't want to suggest (or believe) that unless people are like me they are not "going for broke" because while I have A Lot of energy and vision none of it is mustered, it just sort of is. The real proof of character is to step out for the things that take some effort, some extra (perhaps granted) power, some faith. Jade Goody was ott - it didn't made her brave it just made her loud.
I don't know quite what it is I must do in order to step out of my comfort zone but I do know that accepting the title of bravery is not really something that I can do yet. Bravery is a choice, not a character trait, but it is measured in relation to personality and if I am a fan of "extreme living" (so long as it isn't in sports) then I have to find something else to improve at. There are plenty of weak areas it's just most of them don't involve speaking or acting out! Perhaps the opposite...
In fact I think I may have been letting darkness in and disguising it as light; hiding a grumble in legitimate disappointment and righteous anger. That has got to be more dangerous than being a regular moaner. Oh I so appreciate being forgiven (by people and God alike) when I mess up in this way - it's the lifeline again, yet another chance.
Did that segue nicely back to the start of the post? Do I have a point? I don't know. Not feeling that clear in my head but somehow, in my heart, I do. I have freedom and it doesn't stem from emotional independence, academic closure, listening to Nina Simone (link) (though that does help) or even living in my privileged, literally unchained existence with all the love and beauty I have around me in the world. It is the love in my heart that means I am free despite the fact that I have had a pretty "hellish" few weeks with just about every tragic/emotional/work pressured/relational/physical/health-related/mentally unstable/personal failing issue arising a girl could wish for. This thrice now extended (record is 6) project pends too and I have a lot of tasks to squeeze in that need sorting before summer... but I just wish I could share all the love that's in my heart 'cause it is the reason I don't feel enslaved by the stuff above (granted I do sometimes - again with the 'both/and/now/not yet' thang). Living with a lifeline is so much better than a deadline, it's yet another analogy for the fullness and "Kingdom" that I bang on about. Who doesn't want that? (Apart from Lord Humperdink of course but I reckon even he would if he could.)
I'm pretty busy these next couple of weeks, boldly going where no Kat(i)e has ever gone before - the library. Pray for me if you don't mind (you don't have to believe it) and I'll see you around...
Lataz :-)
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Stupid?
I've got a lot of 'Righteous Anger' right now at (to quote my facebook status):
injustice, selfishness, apathy, compromise, intentional ignorance and spineless (in)decision... but it is too late to say or do anything about it. Too late in the day that is, NOT too late in the "day"
That was what I put up last night after watching the film "Age of Stupid" (link) and then talking into the night with Becca about things that are wrong with this world and what we can do about it. Apparently I'm an idealist. I was called a visionary once by a good friend who then told me that visionaries were always disappointed by the way things don't work out as fabulously as they'd hoped for. I told them they were wrong, visionaries aren't ever disappointed, they just have to wait longer to see the fruits of their hope. Last night I was totally brimming with huge "grrrrrrrrrr" about the state of our world and didn't know how to deal with that on my own. Global warming is just an analogy for the way we are breaking - it isn't just the planet, the people are on a slippery slope to destruction too... it's because we are selfish and there isn't enough love. I'll talk more about my anger another day though 'cause the thing is, in the midst of all this, hope has once again won out. The dawn after the dark. If we can only hold on long enough it will be OK. More than OK, I think (though I don't always believe it this strongly :-)) that it will one day be perfect. I just can't help my "stupid" hope.
A friend of mine had an absolutely terrible train journey the other day and ended up, after tons of other things going wrong, having to pay an extra £50 on top of her ticket :-( It made her very sad in quite a public way. The stop before Bristol a man handed her an envelope as he got off and insisted she took it. On the outside it said:
"This is all I have. Please put it towards your fare :-) I would do the same for my daughter."
And on the inside was £8. People are also good. Sometimes.
Today I found out that a friend I prayed for two weeks ago had his broken ankle healed. (Interestingly it was the same foot that I've since damaged and I had also asked God to give me more sympathy for him!) We met in the street moments after I had remarked to Beks that my foot was almost completely recovered and, considering I was told it would take months, it felt quite like a miracle. Then Matt walks past on the other side without a cast or even support bandage. I ran (!) over and found out that he is almost totally mobile and there is no break or fracture!
Was there one in the first place? Well, apparently the fracture was only assumed when they treated and the X-ray that showed there wasn't one came later. For this reason his friend, who was there when we prayed and then again on the road today, understandably didn't recognise the supernatural element. HOWEVER, the X-ray did show a fully recovered fracture that the doctor said must've happened sometime in the past since it was far too fixed to be this recent occasion. Matt plays football for the uni 1st team and has trained 3 times a week since practically forever. He doesn't remember a problem with his ankle, ever. So a very very bad injury that people initially assumed was a break, which has now recovered unnaturally fast, is replaced with a mark that says there used to be a break here but it has completely healed. There is absolutely no history of any other damage. Is it more "logical" (incidentally, Logic is the class we were in when we prayed!) that he repeatedly played football on an unnoticed broken leg or that the prayer may just have work...? His friend didn't have an answer for that one.
Hope. I don't hope in the little bits of kindness from people - £8 doesn't cover a £50 bill. OK, so if a few of us could all give £8... but actually, out of that whole carriage only one person did. To believe in humanity would be false hope. I hope in miracles. Watch the film. I reckon it would take one just to change people's attitudes.
That said, this is NOT a disclaimer for people who aren't giving their "£8" (or however much we have in our wallet) so they can justify staying in their seats, reading their books and pretending they don't see what is going on with the ticket inspector. In the words of Peter Parker's uncle:
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That is, in part, where my anger is rooted (and I'm trying to not let it be at people but rather the things that make us how we are), because hope is active and very few of us (myself included) are in motion. When I do pray for something more often than not I end up being part of the answer. As a Christian I am a member of the "body of Christ" and if we want Jesus to walk this earth again - a synonym could be we want love to go viral - then we have to be his hands and feet (or infectious carriers of the love-bug). Having a broken ankle isn't an excuse; not when He can mend them!
It's big, it's scary, it's hard to know where to start, but we are not in a place where "doing our bit for the environment" is enough. I have plans. I have people that are up for it. I have a manifesto for change and it is organic, holistic, optimistic and ridiculous. Imagine A Brighter Future. Post Tenebras Lux. All things are possible but we have got to BELIEVE. Or failing that IMAGINE and hope desperately that we start to believe as we see change (and perhaps miracles) come about. I tell you what: imagining is, in and of itself, pretty darn exciting! There's nothing to lose and a heck of a lot to gain.
You want in...?
injustice, selfishness, apathy, compromise, intentional ignorance and spineless (in)decision... but it is too late to say or do anything about it. Too late in the day that is, NOT too late in the "day"
That was what I put up last night after watching the film "Age of Stupid" (link) and then talking into the night with Becca about things that are wrong with this world and what we can do about it. Apparently I'm an idealist. I was called a visionary once by a good friend who then told me that visionaries were always disappointed by the way things don't work out as fabulously as they'd hoped for. I told them they were wrong, visionaries aren't ever disappointed, they just have to wait longer to see the fruits of their hope. Last night I was totally brimming with huge "grrrrrrrrrr" about the state of our world and didn't know how to deal with that on my own. Global warming is just an analogy for the way we are breaking - it isn't just the planet, the people are on a slippery slope to destruction too... it's because we are selfish and there isn't enough love. I'll talk more about my anger another day though 'cause the thing is, in the midst of all this, hope has once again won out. The dawn after the dark. If we can only hold on long enough it will be OK. More than OK, I think (though I don't always believe it this strongly :-)) that it will one day be perfect. I just can't help my "stupid" hope.
A friend of mine had an absolutely terrible train journey the other day and ended up, after tons of other things going wrong, having to pay an extra £50 on top of her ticket :-( It made her very sad in quite a public way. The stop before Bristol a man handed her an envelope as he got off and insisted she took it. On the outside it said:
"This is all I have. Please put it towards your fare :-) I would do the same for my daughter."
And on the inside was £8. People are also good. Sometimes.
Today I found out that a friend I prayed for two weeks ago had his broken ankle healed. (Interestingly it was the same foot that I've since damaged and I had also asked God to give me more sympathy for him!) We met in the street moments after I had remarked to Beks that my foot was almost completely recovered and, considering I was told it would take months, it felt quite like a miracle. Then Matt walks past on the other side without a cast or even support bandage. I ran (!) over and found out that he is almost totally mobile and there is no break or fracture!
Was there one in the first place? Well, apparently the fracture was only assumed when they treated and the X-ray that showed there wasn't one came later. For this reason his friend, who was there when we prayed and then again on the road today, understandably didn't recognise the supernatural element. HOWEVER, the X-ray did show a fully recovered fracture that the doctor said must've happened sometime in the past since it was far too fixed to be this recent occasion. Matt plays football for the uni 1st team and has trained 3 times a week since practically forever. He doesn't remember a problem with his ankle, ever. So a very very bad injury that people initially assumed was a break, which has now recovered unnaturally fast, is replaced with a mark that says there used to be a break here but it has completely healed. There is absolutely no history of any other damage. Is it more "logical" (incidentally, Logic is the class we were in when we prayed!) that he repeatedly played football on an unnoticed broken leg or that the prayer may just have work...? His friend didn't have an answer for that one.
Hope. I don't hope in the little bits of kindness from people - £8 doesn't cover a £50 bill. OK, so if a few of us could all give £8... but actually, out of that whole carriage only one person did. To believe in humanity would be false hope. I hope in miracles. Watch the film. I reckon it would take one just to change people's attitudes.
That said, this is NOT a disclaimer for people who aren't giving their "£8" (or however much we have in our wallet) so they can justify staying in their seats, reading their books and pretending they don't see what is going on with the ticket inspector. In the words of Peter Parker's uncle:
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That is, in part, where my anger is rooted (and I'm trying to not let it be at people but rather the things that make us how we are), because hope is active and very few of us (myself included) are in motion. When I do pray for something more often than not I end up being part of the answer. As a Christian I am a member of the "body of Christ" and if we want Jesus to walk this earth again - a synonym could be we want love to go viral - then we have to be his hands and feet (or infectious carriers of the love-bug). Having a broken ankle isn't an excuse; not when He can mend them!
It's big, it's scary, it's hard to know where to start, but we are not in a place where "doing our bit for the environment" is enough. I have plans. I have people that are up for it. I have a manifesto for change and it is organic, holistic, optimistic and ridiculous. Imagine A Brighter Future. Post Tenebras Lux. All things are possible but we have got to BELIEVE. Or failing that IMAGINE and hope desperately that we start to believe as we see change (and perhaps miracles) come about. I tell you what: imagining is, in and of itself, pretty darn exciting! There's nothing to lose and a heck of a lot to gain.
You want in...?
Friday, May 15, 2009
Synergy
The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
I talked the other day about how I think community is key to living a full life. As an aside, I have basically accepted that fullness of life is the whole point of this blog. Turns out, as I'm looking to read into stuff in the world, that the thing it is all saying is to be fulfilled/seek the Kingdom/imagine a brighter future/love/hope/live in light/know the orgasmic truth/[insert your preferred positive metaphor here]. More on that another time but in a nutshell: this blog is about what I think the world talks about which, in my opinion, is living life as it is supposed to be.
So, coming back to topic, community is key. We all have such diversity (as seen by the different languages we speak) and can offer brilliant perspectives on the different ways to understand this "wildest dreams" life. In that we can all come away more enlightened and having stretched and encouraged each other. So I want to make an effort to be an online community. And I want to be more about conversing than informing. Granted I have blogged incredibly intensively recently but I want to step back a little now life isn't quite as sudden and shocking.
So what I'm basically saying is please, let's be interactive. Also, please take note of my community, which you can find to the left hand side of the page. They are saying some pretty sweet things.
The first of which that I draw your attention to is something that made me cry with joy... and not just 'cause I'm in it. Becca talks about life through the medium of literature and is incredibly insightful:
Jusquauboutiste
I love the meaning of this word. Being the sort of person that goes right up to the end, no half-measures, doing it in full. Read the post - it's about being fed up of the turd and not giving up on seeking for it to be better. It's also about a lot more to be fair, all of which is her own (and partly James Joyce's) analogy for this complete existence that we seek. I can't do it justice but if you have the inclination to connect with the über intellect of this women then you will be entirely blessed. My first response was to change my facebook status to "Kat(i)e has pure love pulsing through her veins, heightening every sensation and driving her slightly insane". I adore it when life is so real in a good way that it aches pleasantly.
All are welcome and if you want to introduce yourself to the rest of us then know it will be delightedly received.
Love you guys.
I talked the other day about how I think community is key to living a full life. As an aside, I have basically accepted that fullness of life is the whole point of this blog. Turns out, as I'm looking to read into stuff in the world, that the thing it is all saying is to be fulfilled/seek the Kingdom/imagine a brighter future/love/hope/live in light/know the orgasmic truth/[insert your preferred positive metaphor here]. More on that another time but in a nutshell: this blog is about what I think the world talks about which, in my opinion, is living life as it is supposed to be.
So, coming back to topic, community is key. We all have such diversity (as seen by the different languages we speak) and can offer brilliant perspectives on the different ways to understand this "wildest dreams" life. In that we can all come away more enlightened and having stretched and encouraged each other. So I want to make an effort to be an online community. And I want to be more about conversing than informing. Granted I have blogged incredibly intensively recently but I want to step back a little now life isn't quite as sudden and shocking.
So what I'm basically saying is please, let's be interactive. Also, please take note of my community, which you can find to the left hand side of the page. They are saying some pretty sweet things.
The first of which that I draw your attention to is something that made me cry with joy... and not just 'cause I'm in it. Becca talks about life through the medium of literature and is incredibly insightful:
Jusquauboutiste
I love the meaning of this word. Being the sort of person that goes right up to the end, no half-measures, doing it in full. Read the post - it's about being fed up of the turd and not giving up on seeking for it to be better. It's also about a lot more to be fair, all of which is her own (and partly James Joyce's) analogy for this complete existence that we seek. I can't do it justice but if you have the inclination to connect with the über intellect of this women then you will be entirely blessed. My first response was to change my facebook status to "Kat(i)e has pure love pulsing through her veins, heightening every sensation and driving her slightly insane". I adore it when life is so real in a good way that it aches pleasantly.
All are welcome and if you want to introduce yourself to the rest of us then know it will be delightedly received.
Love you guys.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?
I wrote a poem time ago, like January or something, and I nearly put it on my old blog. Don't quite remember why I didn't but a couple of months ago I was prompted when I saw this picture at my friend Claire's house:
I was delighted to hear that she had painted it and under some "God-inspiration" no less. The analogy for her was the idea of trust. She was stepping out and trusting that as she let go of the old swing the new one would be there to catch a hold of. (For those interested, her particular area of trust was the decision to following Jesus.) I saw this and was instantaneously reminded of flying and the poem I had written about it. Letting go and soaring through the air, believing, or perhaps rather hoping, that in that step of faith one will not fall but rather reach something new, exciting and quite brilliant. I decided then that the two went too well together not to make the match. Many weeks have since passed but I eventually got round to emailing her and now, tonight, I unexpectedly found this in my virtual mailbox and feel it is finally time to share them both.
I think the timing might be perfect too. I was talking about hope last time, I do believe, and have some more things to say about that when I get a minute. Hope has been on my heart a while actually, in part due to this verse:
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV (link)
Hey, it even has running in there. Flying too! And walking, though I don't think I've analogised that yet... I will soon :-)
Do you want know an interesting thing about hope? A few of us were sharing thoughts about this passage one time and a lady who spoke Portuguese say that the verb actually meant trust as well. So I've been doing a bit of research and it turns out that in romance languages (as in those that descend from Latin, but we can talk about languages of love if you like the analogy!) this is indeed the case. The Latin root is sperare. For hope this becomes a transitive verb, which means you hope in a direct object - that is something specific that will happen. For trust it is intransitive, you Just Trust. Incidentally it can also mean waiting in both the transitive and intransitive sense...
So that hope we need to have for a brighter future - perhaps there is an element of non-specific trust? We imagine it as bright but the source of the brightness is unclear. When the details are not apparent, instead of being confused or impatient, Just Trust. This translation of the same verse actually uses trust instead:
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NLT (link)
To be fair though, I think the idea of hoping specifically in the LORD is basically the same thing as general trust, given how very unpredictable The Big Man can be! As for waiting being both particular and general: one thing I never do know is if I am waiting for what I think I am waiting for, so I reckon that might be quite apt!
Well. That was an interesting sidetrack, I hope you didn't get too bored! I'm not sure I have reached a particular conclusion mind, just thinking out loud. I've heard hope defined as "the joyful expectation of good things" and I like that. Good things: is that specific or vague? In my experience people tend to need particular desires to focus their heart on because we're not motivated to act by pure theory, indeed how can you act without a plan? That is what I take to mean "Imagine a Brighter Future" (see the Pants of Prophecy (link)) However, one never can be sure if what they put their hope into is the right thing and I suppose that is why it's good to stay pretty open minded too. Hmmmmm? Hope doesn't go just because our direct objects fail us. Those transient things may fade but the intransient will not.
I didn't do the poem yet did I! Here you go:
rigid
frigid
scared to be Explicit
loving
caring
just not too Daring
Wanting
Dreaming
but caught in reasoning
telling you to stay pristine
never breaking the routine
don’t need to be too Extreme
Deep down you’re Cool
Like “old school”
yet skins, they get tighter
What about the Radical?
it’s not that I despise you
I don’t want to divide you
But have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?
Funny. It absolutely doesn't seem to fit with the linguistical analysis of general hopeful waiting. Trust means we can relax and be confident of receiving good things but it also means we sometimes have to brace and leap and trust is that active place. It doesn't sound like waiting at all, and it doesn't sound non-specific. Is this another "both/and"?
Sometimes it's either choose to fly or choose to dangle on the old swing. If the momentum goes then we may never make it across to the other side. That's an analogy for being bold and courageous and not missing important opportunities - we were talking about that tonight incidentally, me and some friends. It seems everything everywhere is actually linked...
My heart at the moment is definitely inclined in the faith growing direction and I wonder how best to do that, faced with these two opposing choices. In some ways I reckon that trust, and also hope, can be a lot better demonstrated in the letting go rather than in the sitting and waiting in ambiguity. I've heard it said that faith is being sure of the things we hope for. How can I be sure unless I let go and have it proved to me?
Yet, well, I also think that as an impatiency-inclined, proactive person my trust is sometimes best exercised by not having or seeking the answers and being assured that that too is ok... In this case maybe I'm not even supposed to be up on the trapeze?
I reckon it depends both on character and specific situations and that there is no one strategy that can be applied. However, I think it is not really "both/and" and more just a case of "either/or". Do either this or that, but make the decision. How? I suppose that we Fly when we rise above our ground, base-instinct behaviour. Perhaps the approach is to examine each choice for what we would be inclined to do when we aren't really hoping or trusting... and then do the opposite... thus exceeding our mere humanity and soaring on wings like eagles.
I was delighted to hear that she had painted it and under some "God-inspiration" no less. The analogy for her was the idea of trust. She was stepping out and trusting that as she let go of the old swing the new one would be there to catch a hold of. (For those interested, her particular area of trust was the decision to following Jesus.) I saw this and was instantaneously reminded of flying and the poem I had written about it. Letting go and soaring through the air, believing, or perhaps rather hoping, that in that step of faith one will not fall but rather reach something new, exciting and quite brilliant. I decided then that the two went too well together not to make the match. Many weeks have since passed but I eventually got round to emailing her and now, tonight, I unexpectedly found this in my virtual mailbox and feel it is finally time to share them both.I think the timing might be perfect too. I was talking about hope last time, I do believe, and have some more things to say about that when I get a minute. Hope has been on my heart a while actually, in part due to this verse:
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV (link)
Hey, it even has running in there. Flying too! And walking, though I don't think I've analogised that yet... I will soon :-)
Do you want know an interesting thing about hope? A few of us were sharing thoughts about this passage one time and a lady who spoke Portuguese say that the verb actually meant trust as well. So I've been doing a bit of research and it turns out that in romance languages (as in those that descend from Latin, but we can talk about languages of love if you like the analogy!) this is indeed the case. The Latin root is sperare. For hope this becomes a transitive verb, which means you hope in a direct object - that is something specific that will happen. For trust it is intransitive, you Just Trust. Incidentally it can also mean waiting in both the transitive and intransitive sense...
So that hope we need to have for a brighter future - perhaps there is an element of non-specific trust? We imagine it as bright but the source of the brightness is unclear. When the details are not apparent, instead of being confused or impatient, Just Trust. This translation of the same verse actually uses trust instead:
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NLT (link)
To be fair though, I think the idea of hoping specifically in the LORD is basically the same thing as general trust, given how very unpredictable The Big Man can be! As for waiting being both particular and general: one thing I never do know is if I am waiting for what I think I am waiting for, so I reckon that might be quite apt!
Well. That was an interesting sidetrack, I hope you didn't get too bored! I'm not sure I have reached a particular conclusion mind, just thinking out loud. I've heard hope defined as "the joyful expectation of good things" and I like that. Good things: is that specific or vague? In my experience people tend to need particular desires to focus their heart on because we're not motivated to act by pure theory, indeed how can you act without a plan? That is what I take to mean "Imagine a Brighter Future" (see the Pants of Prophecy (link)) However, one never can be sure if what they put their hope into is the right thing and I suppose that is why it's good to stay pretty open minded too. Hmmmmm? Hope doesn't go just because our direct objects fail us. Those transient things may fade but the intransient will not.
I didn't do the poem yet did I! Here you go:
rigid
frigid
scared to be Explicit
loving
caring
just not too Daring
Wanting
Dreaming
but caught in reasoning
telling you to stay pristine
never breaking the routine
don’t need to be too Extreme
Deep down you’re Cool
Like “old school”
yet skins, they get tighter
What about the Radical?
it’s not that I despise you
I don’t want to divide you
But have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?
Funny. It absolutely doesn't seem to fit with the linguistical analysis of general hopeful waiting. Trust means we can relax and be confident of receiving good things but it also means we sometimes have to brace and leap and trust is that active place. It doesn't sound like waiting at all, and it doesn't sound non-specific. Is this another "both/and"?
Sometimes it's either choose to fly or choose to dangle on the old swing. If the momentum goes then we may never make it across to the other side. That's an analogy for being bold and courageous and not missing important opportunities - we were talking about that tonight incidentally, me and some friends. It seems everything everywhere is actually linked...
My heart at the moment is definitely inclined in the faith growing direction and I wonder how best to do that, faced with these two opposing choices. In some ways I reckon that trust, and also hope, can be a lot better demonstrated in the letting go rather than in the sitting and waiting in ambiguity. I've heard it said that faith is being sure of the things we hope for. How can I be sure unless I let go and have it proved to me?
Yet, well, I also think that as an impatiency-inclined, proactive person my trust is sometimes best exercised by not having or seeking the answers and being assured that that too is ok... In this case maybe I'm not even supposed to be up on the trapeze?
I reckon it depends both on character and specific situations and that there is no one strategy that can be applied. However, I think it is not really "both/and" and more just a case of "either/or". Do either this or that, but make the decision. How? I suppose that we Fly when we rise above our ground, base-instinct behaviour. Perhaps the approach is to examine each choice for what we would be inclined to do when we aren't really hoping or trusting... and then do the opposite... thus exceeding our mere humanity and soaring on wings like eagles.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
No Pain, No Gain
I just finished the 10k run in 1:09:08 and a wheelchair. I didn't stop running, I sang most of the way round, and all the time my ankle got worse and worse and worse. But until I crossed the finish line I was upright and smiling.
Soon after I was curled up on the floor cry my eyes out at the physical and emotional climax. It has been one hell of a week and, this done, all I have to look forward to is my French exam tomorrow morning...
You know what though, it's OK to cry.
The point of 'love running' is three-fold but always centred around love. Personal loving in an emotional/physical/spiritual way; community loving as we do it corporately, supporting each other and enjoy fun events together too; loving the world as we raise money for orphans (link), prostitutes (link) and the bereaved (link). When I was training the personal stuff was so true. In the release of the run I very often found myself thinking things through, realising stuff about me and/or God, finding more personal freedom. Physically too I am getting my fitness and figure back and that is quite welcome! In the pain of the training there was so much love and healing going on.
Yeah. There is healing in the pain... and that has been the main truth of this week for me and those around me. It feels like, through all the turmoil, wounds are being reopened and this time they are being closed neatly. It is like a broken bone that fused badly so the doctor has to re-break it. Then reset it. Hearts are being rebroken in my city... and then they will be made whole... and we need our hearts to be able to love.
I go to speech therapy because I've got nodules on my voice box. Me and my therapist tend to spend the whole time laughing and laughing and the best thing about it is - as she told me to my delight a few weeks ago - the way the larynx tilts in laughter releases the bad tension and brings healing. Healing in joy. This week was far more somber but you know what? I have never sung better. The larynx tilts the same way when you cry, don'tcha know, and I'd been doing that all morning. Pretty neat since I'd decided the day before that I want to sing and make music for people to dance (link) to.
I, we, are going to get better and when we have recovered there will be much joy and music and dancing. But right now the healing is still taking place. Some of us may be spiritual orphans that don't really feel cherished or loved by others, or perhaps emotional prostitutes that have no love for themselves. Still more of us are bereaved. Loss of a loved one is hard, even more so when there is no closure (link). We need to be mended.
But there is utter hope in what will come and I really believe that hurting now can be a part of the brighter future I was talking about, back before all this stuff hit the fan. In über Christian language, and please keep an open mind, this is what I mean:
"Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honour." James 4:9-10
Now I don't think we suffer because we have "sinned". I think the world suffers because people have treated each other like crap. That is undeniable if you look at the case of a hit-and-run child killer. It is this corporate attitude against life that affects the innocent bystander. God does not dish out bad things, people do. But yet, in the humbling that comes when we are lying on the ground with snot running down our faces, there the hope lies:
"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
Again. I don't at all think we who suffer now are the specifically "wicked" ones, though no-one can deny imperfection and lack of love to fellow man. I think that everywhere people are living their lives as selfish individuals that don't understand what community is about. When this happens love is lost. When this happens in the extreme life is snatched away. Snatched from happy families, addicted sex-workers and whole nations.
But the reason there is hope is that I believe God will come and heal this land: as people are sorry for their apathetic (or worse) attitude, try to put it right and then love each other as much as they do themselves. Like the 300 of us that took to the streets of Bristol today and have TOGETHER raised £55,000 and counting. I myself only raised £555 (and counting) of that. It's just better together, when we stop being inward and realise that people are supposed to be parts of a bigger organism. If you don't believe me then look at the maths that says we all do better when we are altruistic. (I'll tell you about that another time...).
And this healing, as the voice analogy clearly proves, is in the tears. Cathartic crying that washes away the dirt. I would bring up the suffering of Jesus and the freedom and cleansing that brings but I don't want my ideas to seem exclusive, as I think this is objectively true about the world with or without Christianity (I just happen to also think we need the God bit to put theory into practice).
I bought a new pair of shoes on Tuesday that gave me blisters when I first wore them. That hurt a lot but these shoes are amazingly beautiful, and I totally need new brown ones, and they say "sole reviver" on the bottom.
I reckon that once they are broken in I will be able to wear them anywhere - my soles revived, injected with life, loving freely. The same will be true for my soul... and these shoes are the kind I can dance in!
Yet I cannot dance, or even step, again today. But that's OK. I did 10k and then when I'd given all I could I sat down and took the weight off. I don't have to step out again until I am able... or a worthy enough cause motivates me. In the recovery time someone else pushed the wheelchair; when I had to hobble along I was supported by dear friends on both sides all the way to a taxi; then, because at the last minute I was prompted/remembered to grab a tenner and stick it in my bra "in case I want to catch a taxi to the finish line!", I was able to get home and, though physically alone, I felt that God was with me and providing my transport. I may not have been moving under my own volition but I was moving forward and that is yet further support for living dependent, overlapping lives. Being strong for each other, loving each other, adding value to life for each other. Not only does brokenness come from an individualistic attitude but wholeness of life doesn't seem possible without community.
My friend's blog Good Grief (link) that I talked about the other day starts on the premise that the more we love the more we suffer. I think I would also suggest that, conversely, the more we suffer the more we love. Again, I try not to dwell on the Jesus example but I do think that somehow, just as grief cuts us open to allow healing in, suffering for others in the name of love allows it in to them too... and the ultimate suffering of Christ for humanity would imply ultimate freedom for us all. In a finite, but still pretty cool way, £55,000 will save many many lives and help bring wholeness to yet more... and that's worth a lot more than a sore foot.
I end on a poem. OK, it's in the bible but this is after all my natural language and it is consistent with the analogies:
5 What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
7 They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84
See, it fits. The weeping, the rain, the pilgrimage (which I can only imagine was long and painful and tough on the ole' feet, particularly without a pair of modern supporting shoes). Yet somehow the tears are refreshing and blessing and strengthening for the journey. Appearing before God in Jerusalem - that's the analogy for fullness of life. There is joy right at the start because of the hope at the end. Hence, though pain is the route taken it does not remain the focus or theme, it is not the goal and, actually, it brings with it the necessary strength to arrive at the final destination.
Soon after I was curled up on the floor cry my eyes out at the physical and emotional climax. It has been one hell of a week and, this done, all I have to look forward to is my French exam tomorrow morning...
You know what though, it's OK to cry.
The point of 'love running' is three-fold but always centred around love. Personal loving in an emotional/physical/spiritual way; community loving as we do it corporately, supporting each other and enjoy fun events together too; loving the world as we raise money for orphans (link), prostitutes (link) and the bereaved (link). When I was training the personal stuff was so true. In the release of the run I very often found myself thinking things through, realising stuff about me and/or God, finding more personal freedom. Physically too I am getting my fitness and figure back and that is quite welcome! In the pain of the training there was so much love and healing going on.
Yeah. There is healing in the pain... and that has been the main truth of this week for me and those around me. It feels like, through all the turmoil, wounds are being reopened and this time they are being closed neatly. It is like a broken bone that fused badly so the doctor has to re-break it. Then reset it. Hearts are being rebroken in my city... and then they will be made whole... and we need our hearts to be able to love.
I go to speech therapy because I've got nodules on my voice box. Me and my therapist tend to spend the whole time laughing and laughing and the best thing about it is - as she told me to my delight a few weeks ago - the way the larynx tilts in laughter releases the bad tension and brings healing. Healing in joy. This week was far more somber but you know what? I have never sung better. The larynx tilts the same way when you cry, don'tcha know, and I'd been doing that all morning. Pretty neat since I'd decided the day before that I want to sing and make music for people to dance (link) to.
I, we, are going to get better and when we have recovered there will be much joy and music and dancing. But right now the healing is still taking place. Some of us may be spiritual orphans that don't really feel cherished or loved by others, or perhaps emotional prostitutes that have no love for themselves. Still more of us are bereaved. Loss of a loved one is hard, even more so when there is no closure (link). We need to be mended.
But there is utter hope in what will come and I really believe that hurting now can be a part of the brighter future I was talking about, back before all this stuff hit the fan. In über Christian language, and please keep an open mind, this is what I mean:
"Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honour." James 4:9-10
Now I don't think we suffer because we have "sinned". I think the world suffers because people have treated each other like crap. That is undeniable if you look at the case of a hit-and-run child killer. It is this corporate attitude against life that affects the innocent bystander. God does not dish out bad things, people do. But yet, in the humbling that comes when we are lying on the ground with snot running down our faces, there the hope lies:
"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
Again. I don't at all think we who suffer now are the specifically "wicked" ones, though no-one can deny imperfection and lack of love to fellow man. I think that everywhere people are living their lives as selfish individuals that don't understand what community is about. When this happens love is lost. When this happens in the extreme life is snatched away. Snatched from happy families, addicted sex-workers and whole nations.
But the reason there is hope is that I believe God will come and heal this land: as people are sorry for their apathetic (or worse) attitude, try to put it right and then love each other as much as they do themselves. Like the 300 of us that took to the streets of Bristol today and have TOGETHER raised £55,000 and counting. I myself only raised £555 (and counting) of that. It's just better together, when we stop being inward and realise that people are supposed to be parts of a bigger organism. If you don't believe me then look at the maths that says we all do better when we are altruistic. (I'll tell you about that another time...).
And this healing, as the voice analogy clearly proves, is in the tears. Cathartic crying that washes away the dirt. I would bring up the suffering of Jesus and the freedom and cleansing that brings but I don't want my ideas to seem exclusive, as I think this is objectively true about the world with or without Christianity (I just happen to also think we need the God bit to put theory into practice).
I bought a new pair of shoes on Tuesday that gave me blisters when I first wore them. That hurt a lot but these shoes are amazingly beautiful, and I totally need new brown ones, and they say "sole reviver" on the bottom.
I reckon that once they are broken in I will be able to wear them anywhere - my soles revived, injected with life, loving freely. The same will be true for my soul... and these shoes are the kind I can dance in!Yet I cannot dance, or even step, again today. But that's OK. I did 10k and then when I'd given all I could I sat down and took the weight off. I don't have to step out again until I am able... or a worthy enough cause motivates me. In the recovery time someone else pushed the wheelchair; when I had to hobble along I was supported by dear friends on both sides all the way to a taxi; then, because at the last minute I was prompted/remembered to grab a tenner and stick it in my bra "in case I want to catch a taxi to the finish line!", I was able to get home and, though physically alone, I felt that God was with me and providing my transport. I may not have been moving under my own volition but I was moving forward and that is yet further support for living dependent, overlapping lives. Being strong for each other, loving each other, adding value to life for each other. Not only does brokenness come from an individualistic attitude but wholeness of life doesn't seem possible without community.
My friend's blog Good Grief (link) that I talked about the other day starts on the premise that the more we love the more we suffer. I think I would also suggest that, conversely, the more we suffer the more we love. Again, I try not to dwell on the Jesus example but I do think that somehow, just as grief cuts us open to allow healing in, suffering for others in the name of love allows it in to them too... and the ultimate suffering of Christ for humanity would imply ultimate freedom for us all. In a finite, but still pretty cool way, £55,000 will save many many lives and help bring wholeness to yet more... and that's worth a lot more than a sore foot.
I end on a poem. OK, it's in the bible but this is after all my natural language and it is consistent with the analogies:
5 What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
7 They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84
See, it fits. The weeping, the rain, the pilgrimage (which I can only imagine was long and painful and tough on the ole' feet, particularly without a pair of modern supporting shoes). Yet somehow the tears are refreshing and blessing and strengthening for the journey. Appearing before God in Jerusalem - that's the analogy for fullness of life. There is joy right at the start because of the hope at the end. Hence, though pain is the route taken it does not remain the focus or theme, it is not the goal and, actually, it brings with it the necessary strength to arrive at the final destination.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Love is Like a Magic Penny
I was remembering this song earlier because it is just so spot on for how I feel about love and, well, doesn't it make a fabulous analogy? We used to sing it at primary school and thought it was just silly but I am struck these day by how beautiful the sentiment is:
Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more
It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
I'd never heard the other verses before, I really like them a lot and am particularly struck by the dancing analogy.
An afterthought:
Hmmmmm, actually, why not. I say this because I am both cheekily joking and deadly serious and because it seems to me to have come up quite naturally. I am only doing a quick post tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow and run 10 km for the sake of love (link). On a swollen ankle and with a slightly infected mega blister no less. I don't say this to moan or to brag. I say it because it is an analogy for sacrifice bringing freedom and if you read what I wrote at the link above it goes into more detail that I don't have time for tonight.
Love Running (link) is the name of the project. The pain of tomorrow is no patch on the suffering of African children, addicted prostitutes and grieving families. The cost of sponsorship is no patch on the difference only a small amount of money can make to those lives. It would stop being a metaphor if that magic penny found its way into my justgiving account before tomorrow morning - love would actually have increased in the world. This post did not start off intending to be a request for money but I just don't see why it shouldn't end as one. Freedom is the key to fullness of life, which is what I keep banging on about. I think giving away love would bring freedom to both you and thousands of others... how can I deprive anyone of that opportunity?
Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more
It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.
I'd never heard the other verses before, I really like them a lot and am particularly struck by the dancing analogy.
An afterthought:
Hmmmmm, actually, why not. I say this because I am both cheekily joking and deadly serious and because it seems to me to have come up quite naturally. I am only doing a quick post tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow and run 10 km for the sake of love (link). On a swollen ankle and with a slightly infected mega blister no less. I don't say this to moan or to brag. I say it because it is an analogy for sacrifice bringing freedom and if you read what I wrote at the link above it goes into more detail that I don't have time for tonight.
Love Running (link) is the name of the project. The pain of tomorrow is no patch on the suffering of African children, addicted prostitutes and grieving families. The cost of sponsorship is no patch on the difference only a small amount of money can make to those lives. It would stop being a metaphor if that magic penny found its way into my justgiving account before tomorrow morning - love would actually have increased in the world. This post did not start off intending to be a request for money but I just don't see why it shouldn't end as one. Freedom is the key to fullness of life, which is what I keep banging on about. I think giving away love would bring freedom to both you and thousands of others... how can I deprive anyone of that opportunity?
Friday, May 8, 2009
Good Grief
Today has been the most painful day so far. God is really really good.
I have analogies to back this up but I also have a bed time to honour. So instead I will welcome the newest member of my online community and be really thankful for the fact that she too is joining in the fight against darkness.
This new blog, Good Grief (link), is my most recent analogy for the reality of hope (whilst also being a totally wonderful play on words). I don't think she will mind me explaining that the author is the same friend I mentioned yesterday as having just received an extra dose of tragedy to cope with.
Her attitude now is such a blessing to me, re-emphasising just when I really needed it that this hope is for everyone. Which is good since there isn't much point in being excited about it otherwise... This is what community is about - taking it in turns to support each other as we alternate between strong and weak.
I can't wait to read how someone else is approaching the question of light from their own perspective and language. I particularly like that it won't be a Christian blog actually... I think it'll be ace to see what universal truths are there under the semantics.
I have analogies to back this up but I also have a bed time to honour. So instead I will welcome the newest member of my online community and be really thankful for the fact that she too is joining in the fight against darkness.
This new blog, Good Grief (link), is my most recent analogy for the reality of hope (whilst also being a totally wonderful play on words). I don't think she will mind me explaining that the author is the same friend I mentioned yesterday as having just received an extra dose of tragedy to cope with.
Her attitude now is such a blessing to me, re-emphasising just when I really needed it that this hope is for everyone. Which is good since there isn't much point in being excited about it otherwise... This is what community is about - taking it in turns to support each other as we alternate between strong and weak.
I can't wait to read how someone else is approaching the question of light from their own perspective and language. I particularly like that it won't be a Christian blog actually... I think it'll be ace to see what universal truths are there under the semantics.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
OW
I know there is such a thing as blogging too much but I don't care, it is all I can do right now.
Last week on Monday Becca marveled at my cheer. I assured her that I did have the occasional half hour of despondency and she told me that, even so, if I ever actually needed her she would be there. She did not know what she was letting herself in for.
I don't think I have ever actually seen more pain ever in one place. We are not just talking Sam, though that sort of shadows the whole thing. Failed ambitions, broken hearts, lost dreams, yet more death. Everywhere I look. What is going on...?
When I started this blog it was Easter and I wrote about that day and the resurrection of Jesus as a symbol, or analogy, of hope in and potential for fullness of life. This is still true. Yet, well, show me the fullness...
I wasn't wrong to be hopeful like this but I did miss a vital part and that part is Good Friday. The day that represents death. The day of darkness. The day that reminds us of the things in this world that block freedom and life and, to me, shows the need for the substitution of Jesus.
I really really want it to be Sunday now, all the time, but I realise it isn't. Experience speaks for itself that all is not well. Some poeple would tell me I am living in a limiting mindset. I tell them to wait for what comes next if they don't believe me yet. Every day I wake up knowing that the day has something significant to bring and every day I go to bed and am hit by the sadness of what the day did bring. This afternoon I saw hope come to one girl as she dealt with her grief... only to hear a sudden death stole the life of her friend tonight. What is going on? I thought I had it bad. How are we to stand this?
Thing is, I do. I can stand it. I don't get it but I still fervently believe in the true love forever. I think I must be autistic. When love is imperfect our hope might be misplaced. When love is perfect then, by definition, it will not fail us.
If I had to pick a day of the week to be an analogy to life now I think it would be Saturday. Touched on both sides by the dark of Friday and the light of Sunday it is the both/and once more. Moving ever closer to the next day and farther from the one before, but not yet arrived... we have departed though, our destination is certain and it is at least the weekend.
So I sing. 'Dancing in the Moonlight' and 'Dance the Night Away' are pretty helpful. They are cheesy crap but I need that right now. It is Saturday night and the lights are down low. So DANCE. What else to do? I have more vehemency for life. I don't want to be bitter like Wolverine or Inigo Montoya. I have decided to be a musician, or at least actually try. Life is too short for wishful thinking and it seems the best way I know to bring joy. We need joy so so bad. And a soundtrack to dance to.
No, my hope is not stolen yet. Au contraire, it makes me all the more desperate to get away from Friday and see the dawn rising. I think we have to be ready to herald that dawn in and seek the rising sun and the casting away of the shadows. That is where the belief in the brighter future comes from even though we are still painfully aware of the things that happened yesterday.
I don't know how much more darkness will come and I desperately hope that I can stay joyful if it does. Literally anything could happen in the blink of an eye. The world as we know it is changing before our eyes.
Apparently, though, when Pandora opened that box and let evil out into the world, left in the bottom was hope. (No, I haven't confused my religion with ancient mythology.) Fragile though it was, it was there after all the bad stuff attacked.
Every generation sees shi*t happen and they didn't all see the end of the world come. I can't possibly speculate. I don't pretend to. But the phrase "the darkest hour is before the dawn" comes to mind. Time scales are of no consequence. I personally feel I can't cope with much more of this and still keep smiling most of the time but I could be wrong... we will bear what we will bear and the promises of what will come are very good and very real. People are tougher than they think. So what if I've got an injury and may not be able to race at the weekend; and my degree is falling apart before my eyes; and, well, I don't know what will sneak up on me next to try and steal my joy but it has all been having a pretty good go. However, if I can resist long enough it will stop and then the good will come... and it's not just true for me either. It is a little scary as to what may happen next, I admit. Better pray harder. In the end though, we go through hardships (link) now for a kingdom that will not fail or end. That's not just the Bible, it's the very nature of resistance and endurance training - ask any athlete.
Yes, we really still can see the brighter future. I once marveled to myself at how chirpy this blog had turned out and how much the world seemed to be telling me bright, joyful things. Now? I think it is telling me something quite different... but also that, in the valley, good things will come and how, though still dark, the dancing for joy isn't not true.
What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84: 5-7 (link)
Becca and I watched The Princess Bride again tonight. Keeping the vision. Lol, watching our "Perfect Love" in the shape of Westley the Farm Boy more like:
I jest because I don't know what else to do. And because I can. Hey, this is my Jesus, my true love, and I will not "marry another while He lives"... and, well, he sure is perfect... :-P Before we did this we lay on top of my car and watched the night sky and wished upon some stars. Then, well, I thought it was funny - a bloke walked past and in a moment of brilliant quickness I looked up and said:
"This isn't your car is it?"
We laughed for like 5 minutes.
Right here right now OW is a pretty good summary. But then so is WOW. Both/And. The best part is: the bad is fleeting and the good is not. This is why joy has, thus far, survived.
Sorry to be so intense, life just is right now. I wonder if it will ever not be...
Last week on Monday Becca marveled at my cheer. I assured her that I did have the occasional half hour of despondency and she told me that, even so, if I ever actually needed her she would be there. She did not know what she was letting herself in for.
I don't think I have ever actually seen more pain ever in one place. We are not just talking Sam, though that sort of shadows the whole thing. Failed ambitions, broken hearts, lost dreams, yet more death. Everywhere I look. What is going on...?
When I started this blog it was Easter and I wrote about that day and the resurrection of Jesus as a symbol, or analogy, of hope in and potential for fullness of life. This is still true. Yet, well, show me the fullness...
I wasn't wrong to be hopeful like this but I did miss a vital part and that part is Good Friday. The day that represents death. The day of darkness. The day that reminds us of the things in this world that block freedom and life and, to me, shows the need for the substitution of Jesus.
I really really want it to be Sunday now, all the time, but I realise it isn't. Experience speaks for itself that all is not well. Some poeple would tell me I am living in a limiting mindset. I tell them to wait for what comes next if they don't believe me yet. Every day I wake up knowing that the day has something significant to bring and every day I go to bed and am hit by the sadness of what the day did bring. This afternoon I saw hope come to one girl as she dealt with her grief... only to hear a sudden death stole the life of her friend tonight. What is going on? I thought I had it bad. How are we to stand this?
Thing is, I do. I can stand it. I don't get it but I still fervently believe in the true love forever. I think I must be autistic. When love is imperfect our hope might be misplaced. When love is perfect then, by definition, it will not fail us.
If I had to pick a day of the week to be an analogy to life now I think it would be Saturday. Touched on both sides by the dark of Friday and the light of Sunday it is the both/and once more. Moving ever closer to the next day and farther from the one before, but not yet arrived... we have departed though, our destination is certain and it is at least the weekend.
So I sing. 'Dancing in the Moonlight' and 'Dance the Night Away' are pretty helpful. They are cheesy crap but I need that right now. It is Saturday night and the lights are down low. So DANCE. What else to do? I have more vehemency for life. I don't want to be bitter like Wolverine or Inigo Montoya. I have decided to be a musician, or at least actually try. Life is too short for wishful thinking and it seems the best way I know to bring joy. We need joy so so bad. And a soundtrack to dance to.
No, my hope is not stolen yet. Au contraire, it makes me all the more desperate to get away from Friday and see the dawn rising. I think we have to be ready to herald that dawn in and seek the rising sun and the casting away of the shadows. That is where the belief in the brighter future comes from even though we are still painfully aware of the things that happened yesterday.
I don't know how much more darkness will come and I desperately hope that I can stay joyful if it does. Literally anything could happen in the blink of an eye. The world as we know it is changing before our eyes.
Apparently, though, when Pandora opened that box and let evil out into the world, left in the bottom was hope. (No, I haven't confused my religion with ancient mythology.) Fragile though it was, it was there after all the bad stuff attacked.
Every generation sees shi*t happen and they didn't all see the end of the world come. I can't possibly speculate. I don't pretend to. But the phrase "the darkest hour is before the dawn" comes to mind. Time scales are of no consequence. I personally feel I can't cope with much more of this and still keep smiling most of the time but I could be wrong... we will bear what we will bear and the promises of what will come are very good and very real. People are tougher than they think. So what if I've got an injury and may not be able to race at the weekend; and my degree is falling apart before my eyes; and, well, I don't know what will sneak up on me next to try and steal my joy but it has all been having a pretty good go. However, if I can resist long enough it will stop and then the good will come... and it's not just true for me either. It is a little scary as to what may happen next, I admit. Better pray harder. In the end though, we go through hardships (link) now for a kingdom that will not fail or end. That's not just the Bible, it's the very nature of resistance and endurance training - ask any athlete.
Yes, we really still can see the brighter future. I once marveled to myself at how chirpy this blog had turned out and how much the world seemed to be telling me bright, joyful things. Now? I think it is telling me something quite different... but also that, in the valley, good things will come and how, though still dark, the dancing for joy isn't not true.
What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84: 5-7 (link)
Becca and I watched The Princess Bride again tonight. Keeping the vision. Lol, watching our "Perfect Love" in the shape of Westley the Farm Boy more like:
I jest because I don't know what else to do. And because I can. Hey, this is my Jesus, my true love, and I will not "marry another while He lives"... and, well, he sure is perfect... :-P Before we did this we lay on top of my car and watched the night sky and wished upon some stars. Then, well, I thought it was funny - a bloke walked past and in a moment of brilliant quickness I looked up and said:
"This isn't your car is it?"
We laughed for like 5 minutes.
Right here right now OW is a pretty good summary. But then so is WOW. Both/And. The best part is: the bad is fleeting and the good is not. This is why joy has, thus far, survived.
Sorry to be so intense, life just is right now. I wonder if it will ever not be...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
X-Men Origins and Divine DJing
I went to see this tonight. It don't know how good it was. It think it might have been very bad but I was so busy being analogised that I didn't care.
In short: there is a whole lot of evil out there that needs fighting.
Other things that happened to me today were - God took me shopping and bought me a new prophetic T-shirt. It says:
TRUE LOVE FOREVER
Amen to that.
I am aware of late just How Much more there is than this life. I don't think I care anymore about what is going to happen to me, I just want to have metal bound to my skeleton so I am strong enough to fight the baddies. You have to be riled up to feel like this and I reckon I have been by all the tragedy. No matter how much it hurts - the liberation of thousands of caged, abused, helpless victims is what matters. I think sometimes the shit has to hit the fan to really see this. The trappings have to be stripped away. The security in the fleeting things let go.
It is good. When we have a total eclipse of the heart (link) we realise that forever just has to start tonight. The harsh truth that things are falling apart stands but there is still love in the dark and, with the help of some fortified mutation, there are a whole load of captives needing to be released all the more urgently now.
Jesus was my DJ all the way home, see. Another of the many pertinent tracks that came up random on my ipod was "The Man in Black" by Johnny Cash himself. He was kinda pissed at the way of things too.
This is my verse in particular:
"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black."
I don't know if things are bright enough yet for a rainbow. "'Til we start to make a move to make a few things right"... are we doing that enough? Clearly no.
But Wolverine was a pretty angry man. I don't want my passion at loss to turn me black. I think, all this said, it is still rainbow time now. After all, if we gotta imagine that brighter future (link) then I suppose we gotta wear the rainbow to show we believe.
If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain. One more prophecy from Johnny... Yesterday, whilst praying for rain to stop, this track (link) popped up (straight after this one (link) actually!). At the end a monologue that linked to the next song about cotton pickin' played. This is what it said:
"My mother always said if you look for it, if you’re committed to the Lord, that there’s a blessing that will always come in times of adversity. Well I couldn’t see it, you know, a blessing in that flood that run us out of our home for two weeks... but we came back from the hills and the blessing was there alright. The land was covered with rich black river dirt… and Daddy planted the cotton crop… and the cotton grew taller that next year than ever before. And everything good happened at pickin’ time if anything good was gonna happen. And that year we had a great pickin’ time."
Sometimes my stupid hope gets me into trouble, when I just can't help using it for the irrelevant stuff. But I reckon with all the rain that's been falling lately I might just need it to keep a hold of this significant promise of blessed white fields to come.
Turn around bright eyes. Head to higher ground. Forever, true love, starts tonight. We're just a step from heaven (link). There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning (link) and, though we're soaking through and through, He's handing us a towel (link). Hope. Sometimes it's all we got. I think it might be all the more important now.
Tomorrow I will wear some rainbows, whether I feel like it or not. And the new T-shirt, of course - it's all about the True Love... 'cause it lasts Forever.
In short: there is a whole lot of evil out there that needs fighting.
Other things that happened to me today were - God took me shopping and bought me a new prophetic T-shirt. It says:
TRUE LOVE FOREVER
Amen to that.
I am aware of late just How Much more there is than this life. I don't think I care anymore about what is going to happen to me, I just want to have metal bound to my skeleton so I am strong enough to fight the baddies. You have to be riled up to feel like this and I reckon I have been by all the tragedy. No matter how much it hurts - the liberation of thousands of caged, abused, helpless victims is what matters. I think sometimes the shit has to hit the fan to really see this. The trappings have to be stripped away. The security in the fleeting things let go.
It is good. When we have a total eclipse of the heart (link) we realise that forever just has to start tonight. The harsh truth that things are falling apart stands but there is still love in the dark and, with the help of some fortified mutation, there are a whole load of captives needing to be released all the more urgently now.
Jesus was my DJ all the way home, see. Another of the many pertinent tracks that came up random on my ipod was "The Man in Black" by Johnny Cash himself. He was kinda pissed at the way of things too.
This is my verse in particular:
"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black."
I don't know if things are bright enough yet for a rainbow. "'Til we start to make a move to make a few things right"... are we doing that enough? Clearly no.
But Wolverine was a pretty angry man. I don't want my passion at loss to turn me black. I think, all this said, it is still rainbow time now. After all, if we gotta imagine that brighter future (link) then I suppose we gotta wear the rainbow to show we believe.
If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain. One more prophecy from Johnny... Yesterday, whilst praying for rain to stop, this track (link) popped up (straight after this one (link) actually!). At the end a monologue that linked to the next song about cotton pickin' played. This is what it said:
"My mother always said if you look for it, if you’re committed to the Lord, that there’s a blessing that will always come in times of adversity. Well I couldn’t see it, you know, a blessing in that flood that run us out of our home for two weeks... but we came back from the hills and the blessing was there alright. The land was covered with rich black river dirt… and Daddy planted the cotton crop… and the cotton grew taller that next year than ever before. And everything good happened at pickin’ time if anything good was gonna happen. And that year we had a great pickin’ time."
Sometimes my stupid hope gets me into trouble, when I just can't help using it for the irrelevant stuff. But I reckon with all the rain that's been falling lately I might just need it to keep a hold of this significant promise of blessed white fields to come.
Turn around bright eyes. Head to higher ground. Forever, true love, starts tonight. We're just a step from heaven (link). There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning (link) and, though we're soaking through and through, He's handing us a towel (link). Hope. Sometimes it's all we got. I think it might be all the more important now.
Tomorrow I will wear some rainbows, whether I feel like it or not. And the new T-shirt, of course - it's all about the True Love... 'cause it lasts Forever.
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