I Don't Matter

I've been in the library for a lot of hours today. The progress made was, for me, entirely fabulous as I got back into my very exciting project (it will be like the longest blog post ever - which sounds like something that would come naturally to me!) and started to form all sorts of ideas in an almost organised way (my new strategy is to have a different word document for each one and then try and structure it from there). I have a sensible schedule these next two weeks of only doing the extra-curricular activities that I feel "lead" to. My attitude is that if I do what I am supposed and able to then that is all I need or should aim for. The rest (if that by itself isn't enough) is up to God in His infinite wisdom to orchestrate as, when and how He chooses. Chaos isn't chaos it is just that our perspective is so limited we can't see the pattern. That is how my head feels most of the time and so I am learning to relinquish control and trust that He knows the bigger picture.

This might sound impressively peaceful but I tell you I spent most of the year learning this lesson 'the hard way'. Walking down my road on the way home I remarked to myself just how freeing trust feels. This must be what the bible means when it says do not worry (link), having an external controller is the best thing ever! I then very quickly became aware of just how vulnerable this trust of mine is, how easily it could go and the dire side-effects that would result if it did. I wouldn't be a little bit stressed; the reason peace is so important to me is that I need it to function!

So I sort of made this concern into a prayer that begged it wouldn't go. Then, moments later, I walked past my car. It is parked just outside my front door on the other side of the road under a tree... and the window was wound a good way down...

Eeeeek! I went over, it was full of leaves (and covered in sap) but was still locked. So I dashed inside, grabbed the keys, spotted a note from my neighbour asking if the car with the open window was mine, went back and checked if Valerie had anything missing. Nothing. All my CDs in the glove pocket (and yes, I do have excellent taste), all my loose change and 'car snacks' (thanks Becca) still hanging about. Mouldy orange peel, check. She was untouched.

Now we have had several break-ins on our street over time. There is a school just up the road (though I know I'm stereotying the bored scally-wags of youth), the residential area is quite reputed for theft and, on top of this, it has been like that since I last drove on Tuesday night! I am so incapable...!

Yet how "fortunate" too. I feel protected and compensated for. Like who I was in my inadequacy didn't matter, because my mistake didn't render me missing out.

They say you should trust God but lock your car. That is a theological debate I ain't getting into but as an analogy it sort of makes sense that we should do what we can and then not fret about what we can't... even if what we can't is seemingly not enough. My open window was not doing what most people would say is "enough" but in that moment of utter insufficiency God was gracious. Story of my life really. What I do don't matter, and that is a good thing.

The other day my friend Mike asked me what I was going to get on my degree. [Aside: in decreasing order the possible grades in England are 1st, 2:1, 2:2, 3rd, pass, fail. If you get a 3rd or below people tend to think it is poor and a 2:2 is looked down on by academic snobs] I said I was most probably in the running for a 2:2 with a small chance of a 2:1 if God wanted me to get it for some reason (and I suppose technically a chance of a 1st if God wanted to do an actual miracle!). He said I was looking at it all wrong, that if my "plan" depended on a 2:1 I had to go get it, not that I would get it if my "plan" depended on a 2:1.

Now, obviously I have to try because the whole point of this relationship with God is that I should honour Him in all I do, which includes maths homework. But when it comes down to it, I will do my bit and my bit may well be rubbish. In fact, sometimes I will not even do my own small bit - that's how crap I can be - but even then He is merciful. It's not an excuse to do nothing (or worse) as Mike thought but it is a pretty wonderful place to be in: that even when faced with my failings He can and does override the inevitable and make things a safe, thief-free, place to thrive :-)

Lifeline

Today I did my last exam. Phewww.

I still have a dissertation to do and a history of not making deadlines. Some may say don't hold your breath... 26 days late is my longest record!

I call it a lifeline this time. I've been offered a lifeline to make up for my inadequacy. People say "deadline" is a phrase that stems from slavery, when to get a task completed by or else... I don't know if this is true. I do sort of feel like that is the (albeit pessimistic) case for this mortal coil though, in't it? We have to fit everything in before our deadline...

This is a meandering post that is sort of going wherever my 1am "I wish I was sleepy but I'm a bit out of sync and over-medicated and can't settle even though I only had 4 hours last night" mind will take it. Slavery - the bible talks about being a slave to sin. Hear me out, if we take out the word "sin" and replace it with "being a bit of a sh*t" then I reckon that is rather legit. It was my one year anniversary with Jesus yesterday (OMG His present to me was amazing but that is for another day) and my sis bought me this book that I haven't yet read but I flicked and it has a quote from C.S. Lewis (leg-end) that I thought was interesting and seems to fit:

"Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticise it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you to criticise the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God 'sending us' to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE Hell unless it is nipped in the bud." From The Great Divorce

I do love good old Clive, wow. He just puts into words, so eloquently and relatably, many notions that people often can't otherwise appreciate from the Bible. It matches (in my mind) how I have been trying to talk about the way darkness exists in the world through peoples' attitudes - not being excited by life or caring enough or joyful or loving or hopeful or enthusiastic and active to seek these things... Apathy being a good example. Or selfishness. Or compromise. Or fear.

On Sunday night I heard a really good sermon about being courageous. Afterwards the pastor was chatting with us students some more and he said something that really stuck in me. "If you are already fearless then you can't be courageous". Now. I have been rather getting carried away with my vehemency for change in this world and not stopping short of anything less than what probably seems intensely "radical". I've been called brave recently, that was actually for something quite specific but in general people are encouraging of my enthusiasm. Yet, well, in all my passion and heart and real intention to act I realise that I am not actually pushing myself. I am just a verbose (some may say gobby) drama queen who had such a rubbish life for so long that she is now logically embracing the truth she has found and pushing it to the max because, as a mathematician, it comes naturally to her to optimise return. In this oblivious place I can easily seem pushy, guilt-trippy and lately, I realised to my horror, passive aggressive (mostly sub-conscious but still loaded, sorry guys). But the thing is, I am not actually being nearly as bold as I may be implying because all this is what I like best anyway. I don't want to suggest (or believe) that unless people are like me they are not "going for broke" because while I have A Lot of energy and vision none of it is mustered, it just sort of is. The real proof of character is to step out for the things that take some effort, some extra (perhaps granted) power, some faith. Jade Goody was ott - it didn't made her brave it just made her loud.

I don't know quite what it is I must do in order to step out of my comfort zone but I do know that accepting the title of bravery is not really something that I can do yet. Bravery is a choice, not a character trait, but it is measured in relation to personality and if I am a fan of "extreme living" (so long as it isn't in sports) then I have to find something else to improve at. There are plenty of weak areas it's just most of them don't involve speaking or acting out! Perhaps the opposite...

In fact I think I may have been letting darkness in and disguising it as light; hiding a grumble in legitimate disappointment and righteous anger. That has got to be more dangerous than being a regular moaner. Oh I so appreciate being forgiven (by people and God alike) when I mess up in this way - it's the lifeline again, yet another chance.

Did that segue nicely back to the start of the post? Do I have a point? I don't know. Not feeling that clear in my head but somehow, in my heart, I do. I have freedom and it doesn't stem from emotional independence, academic closure, listening to Nina Simone (link) (though that does help) or even living in my privileged, literally unchained existence with all the love and beauty I have around me in the world. It is the love in my heart that means I am free despite the fact that I have had a pretty "hellish" few weeks with just about every tragic/emotional/work pressured/relational/physical/health-related/mentally unstable/personal failing issue arising a girl could wish for. This thrice now extended (record is 6) project pends too and I have a lot of tasks to squeeze in that need sorting before summer... but I just wish I could share all the love that's in my heart 'cause it is the reason I don't feel enslaved by the stuff above (granted I do sometimes - again with the 'both/and/now/not yet' thang). Living with a lifeline is so much better than a deadline, it's yet another analogy for the fullness and "Kingdom" that I bang on about. Who doesn't want that? (Apart from Lord Humperdink of course but I reckon even he would if he could.)

I'm pretty busy these next couple of weeks, boldly going where no Kat(i)e has ever gone before - the library. Pray for me if you don't mind (you don't have to believe it) and I'll see you around...

Lataz :-)

Stupid?

I've got a lot of 'Righteous Anger' right now at (to quote my facebook status):

injustice, selfishness, apathy, compromise, intentional ignorance and spineless (in)decision... but it is too late to say or do anything about it. Too late in the day that is, NOT too late in the "day"

That was what I put up last night after watching the film "Age of Stupid" (link) and then talking into the night with Becca about things that are wrong with this world and what we can do about it. Apparently I'm an idealist. I was called a visionary once by a good friend who then told me that visionaries were always disappointed by the way things don't work out as fabulously as they'd hoped for. I told them they were wrong, visionaries aren't ever disappointed, they just have to wait longer to see the fruits of their hope. Last night I was totally brimming with huge "grrrrrrrrrr" about the state of our world and didn't know how to deal with that on my own. Global warming is just an analogy for the way we are breaking - it isn't just the planet, the people are on a slippery slope to destruction too... it's because we are selfish and there isn't enough love. I'll talk more about my anger another day though 'cause the thing is, in the midst of all this, hope has once again won out. The dawn after the dark. If we can only hold on long enough it will be OK. More than OK, I think (though I don't always believe it this strongly :-)) that it will one day be perfect. I just can't help my "stupid" hope.

A friend of mine had an absolutely terrible train journey the other day and ended up, after tons of other things going wrong, having to pay an extra £50 on top of her ticket :-( It made her very sad in quite a public way. The stop before Bristol a man handed her an envelope as he got off and insisted she took it. On the outside it said:

"This is all I have. Please put it towards your fare :-) I would do the same for my daughter."

And on the inside was £8. People are also good. Sometimes.

Today I found out that a friend I prayed for two weeks ago had his broken ankle healed. (Interestingly it was the same foot that I've since damaged and I had also asked God to give me more sympathy for him!) We met in the street moments after I had remarked to Beks that my foot was almost completely recovered and, considering I was told it would take months, it felt quite like a miracle. Then Matt walks past on the other side without a cast or even support bandage. I ran (!) over and found out that he is almost totally mobile and there is no break or fracture!

Was there one in the first place? Well, apparently the fracture was only assumed when they treated and the X-ray that showed there wasn't one came later. For this reason his friend, who was there when we prayed and then again on the road today, understandably didn't recognise the supernatural element. HOWEVER, the X-ray did show a fully recovered fracture that the doctor said must've happened sometime in the past since it was far too fixed to be this recent occasion. Matt plays football for the uni 1st team and has trained 3 times a week since practically forever. He doesn't remember a problem with his ankle, ever. So a very very bad injury that people initially assumed was a break, which has now recovered unnaturally fast, is replaced with a mark that says there used to be a break here but it has completely healed. There is absolutely no history of any other damage. Is it more "logical" (incidentally, Logic is the class we were in when we prayed!) that he repeatedly played football on an unnoticed broken leg or that the prayer may just have work...? His friend didn't have an answer for that one.

Hope. I don't hope in the little bits of kindness from people - £8 doesn't cover a £50 bill. OK, so if a few of us could all give £8... but actually, out of that whole carriage only one person did. To believe in humanity would be false hope. I hope in miracles. Watch the film. I reckon it would take one just to change people's attitudes.

That said, this is NOT a disclaimer for people who aren't giving their "£8" (or however much we have in our wallet) so they can justify staying in their seats, reading their books and pretending they don't see what is going on with the ticket inspector. In the words of Peter Parker's uncle:

"With great power comes great responsibility"

That is, in part, where my anger is rooted (and I'm trying to not let it be at people but rather the things that make us how we are), because hope is active and very few of us (myself included) are in motion. When I do pray for something more often than not I end up being part of the answer. As a Christian I am a member of the "body of Christ" and if we want Jesus to walk this earth again - a synonym could be we want love to go viral - then we have to be his hands and feet (or infectious carriers of the love-bug). Having a broken ankle isn't an excuse; not when He can mend them!

It's big, it's scary, it's hard to know where to start, but we are not in a place where "doing our bit for the environment" is enough. I have plans. I have people that are up for it. I have a manifesto for change and it is organic, holistic, optimistic and ridiculous. Imagine A Brighter Future. Post Tenebras Lux. All things are possible but we have got to BELIEVE. Or failing that IMAGINE and hope desperately that we start to believe as we see change (and perhaps miracles) come about. I tell you what: imagining is, in and of itself, pretty darn exciting! There's nothing to lose and a heck of a lot to gain.

You want in...?

evangelism

I am defining the term "to evangelise" in the language of AT! I haven't had a major rant about language and how exciting it is yet but only because my head/schedule is too busy to go into all that. It's all inside waiting for the right time to burst forth.

I just took a French exam today see and next week I have one about creating different mathematical languages so these are pretty relevant examples, nay analogies, of saying the same thing through different expressions. It's an analogy for an analogy!

But I'm late it's tired and this post is not meant to be for anything apart from spreading good news. Hence being an evangel - the word was adopted by Christianity because we tell people the Good News (i.e. Gospel (link)) but linguistically it just means general good news (I think, that's what my inbuilt dictionary tells me anyway). So henceforth I'm taking it literally and going to use "evangelism" as a word to denote telling you about good things I've found.

And the good thing I'm going to tell you about today is this rather fabulous blog I just discovered through an online-community member (life's all about the organic networking) called Verbatim (link). Fabulous idea, brilliantly named creator. Gabriel Smy (I call him Gabe though and he's cool wid it) is the author and 'poetry formed from found text' is the concept. It's sort of like Analogise That! with the noticing stuff in the world to be something more than what it is but with a much more limited (or should I say honed) scope. Finding beauty in the mundane. It has an air of the ridiculous walking hand-in-hand with the sublime that I like. I think this one (link) rocks because it is about computer programming (language in it's most boring form :-P) and the idea of bringing beauty from that textbook is totally analogous to the incredibly beautiful things that programming (which can appear dry to those of us that can't grasp it) creates all the time. Which in inself is analagous to how we find beauty and truth in unexpected and seemingly mundane places, perhaps moreso when there are no trappings... and that brings me full circle to the idea of 'poetry from the ordinary' as both an actual thing and an analogy for life, Ulyssees and the set of numbers between 0 and 1.

If you aren't confused then my hat is way off (metaphorically speaking). I think I may be about to exlode with inexpressible and widely scattered synaptic spasms. The land of bedfordshire is most definitely calling...

Oh and one more thing: small point to BIG, yeah? good points to Good, life points to Fullness of Life, love points to True Love... There is a Reality that all the analogies are just expressing a bit of, showing one aspect of that Truth. A truth but not the whole truth. Well, when I say "evangelise" it's an analogy too. sharing about good news is like Sharing about Good News. Things with a capital letter are the destination to which the analogies all head, so when it's "Evangelism" it's not a simile anymore and you should Listen...! But that is a whole other post/thread/Analogy...

How mouldy is too mouldy?

I'm really hungry. I am supposed to be making some long overdue dinner but the analogy in my kitchen won out...

I found some "smoked style cheese" in the fridge with a coupla patches of unexpected growth on it. Then my last soft oatmeal roll, I just now discovered, had a good few blue spots all over it's underside.

The first I chucked in an instant - I only bought it because there was an offer on and the other options were even worse sounding. Silly Kat(i)e. Everybody knows that "style" means "faked" and almost always tastes like "sh*t".

The second I picked off the bits and am about to turn into a smoked bacon and avocado sandwich. In general I strongly oppose waste (it's like death and apathy) and the value that this meal will bring me is more than worth the compromise. Hey, they make medicine out of mould don't they?

But, well, much more and I would have had to bin the bread too. There is only so much imperfection that one can deal with before something becomes unsalvageable. Before it stops being redeemable and just makes one sick. It's a sad fact and my hope is to save as much bread, and other decomposing goods, as possible from being wasted. The imminent destiny of that roll is so scrummy, how gutted would it be to get left too long and miss out on its bacony/avocadoey/wipe of mayo future...?!

The cheese was actually less affected than the bread and I know that, were it a good bit of cheddar, I would had done some scraping foe show. It's lack of quality that made me disinclined. To be honest, that white spot was all the motivation I needed to chuck out something I never really should have bought and definitely oughtn't eat.

I suppose it's a question of payoff. What is the quality/flaw ratio that determines if we seek to rescue or if we bin it and go food shopping? This question applies on many levels and in both directions - from the things we pursue in life, to the way we are pursued. Down here on the superficial 'food decision' base right up to the 'am I being what God/god/gods/other intended me to be' plane... and everything in between. When do we give up/get given up on? What is the qualitative measure and, with respect to this, how mouldy is too mouldy?

Then, as a corollary: how long till I becomes too mouldy? Tick tick tick. We choose our dinner and our destiny but even the best things have a use-by-date (sometimes the better/fresher something is the quicker it needs eating to not go stale). Use it or lose it - that's even in the bible (link)!

Enough of all this, I'm off for tea! In the evening-meal-in-England sense that is. Mmmmmmm, bacon...

Creating Space

What is he doing, that boy in midfield
With the innocent-looking face?
He's losing himself in the midst of the crowd
Creating space.

How does he do it, that ordinary boy
With no obvious surge of pace,
Find for himself in the crowded pitch
A private place?

The rest of the team and the other team too
Are happy to tackle and chase.
He strolls by himself in the midst of the crowd
Creating space.

Where has he gone to, that ordinary boy
With the incredibly smiley face?*
How could he shift from the well-marked pitch
Without a trace?

The rest of the team and the other team too
Continue to tackle and chase.
He's off on his own in a bubble of time
Creating space.

Allan Ahlburg, Friendly Matches, p46. Puffin, London 2002
*words slightly altered to better describe Sam


An ordinary boy was Sam. Yet really really not. Everyone knew - they could see it in his smile - just how different Sam was. The start up message on his phone said "Smile, Jesus loves you" and that is why Sam smiled... and why he was different. A little over two weeks ago this (extra)ordinary boy walked out of his football game, onto the pavement, into the arms of Jesus and now he is home (link).


A message from his dad:

Sam was a great boy. There was a reason he was like he was, its not just because of the way we brought him up or his awesome friends. he was different.

In the Bible it talks about Christians being like aliens, people who are not like other people, people who don't belong to this world, children of God, in fact.

Real Christians, like Sam, are not super heroes, they make mistakes and do things wrong and don't think they are any better than any one else but they know a secret that other people don't know and it makes them smile.

Sam knew that secret.

You wanna learn to smile like him? If you do then you need to know the secret. Thing is, it's not meant to be a secret, God has made it as plain as day.

If you don't believe in God you can't learn to smile like Sam. But if you believe...

You wanna know more? Reply to this and I will tell you what I told him and then you can chose to believe it and smile or turn your back on it and live any way you want.

The Bible says that if you know the truth you will be set free.

That makes you smile.



Today I create space for the message of a man that just cremated his extraordinary 11 year old son and still wants people to smile. Can you create the space to hear it? Maybe you already have the space and this "secret" of which we speak sounds like it might just fit...

Synergy

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

I talked the other day about how I think community is key to living a full life. As an aside, I have basically accepted that fullness of life is the whole point of this blog. Turns out, as I'm looking to read into stuff in the world, that the thing it is all saying is to be fulfilled/seek the Kingdom/imagine a brighter future/love/hope/live in light/know the orgasmic truth/[insert your preferred positive metaphor here]. More on that another time but in a nutshell: this blog is about what I think the world talks about which, in my opinion, is living life as it is supposed to be.

So, coming back to topic, community is key. We all have such diversity (as seen by the different languages we speak) and can offer brilliant perspectives on the different ways to understand this "wildest dreams" life. In that we can all come away more enlightened and having stretched and encouraged each other. So I want to make an effort to be an online community. And I want to be more about conversing than informing. Granted I have blogged incredibly intensively recently but I want to step back a little now life isn't quite as sudden and shocking.

So what I'm basically saying is please, let's be interactive. Also, please take note of my community, which you can find to the left hand side of the page. They are saying some pretty sweet things.

The first of which that I draw your attention to is something that made me cry with joy... and not just 'cause I'm in it. Becca talks about life through the medium of literature and is incredibly insightful:

Jusquauboutiste

I love the meaning of this word. Being the sort of person that goes right up to the end, no half-measures, doing it in full. Read the post - it's about being fed up of the turd and not giving up on seeking for it to be better. It's also about a lot more to be fair, all of which is her own (and partly James Joyce's) analogy for this complete existence that we seek. I can't do it justice but if you have the inclination to connect with the über intellect of this women then you will be entirely blessed. My first response was to change my facebook status to "Kat(i)e has pure love pulsing through her veins, heightening every sensation and driving her slightly insane". I adore it when life is so real in a good way that it aches pleasantly.

All are welcome and if you want to introduce yourself to the rest of us then know it will be delightedly received.

Love you guys.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?

I wrote a poem time ago, like January or something, and I nearly put it on my old blog. Don't quite remember why I didn't but a couple of months ago I was prompted when I saw this picture at my friend Claire's house:

I was delighted to hear that she had painted it and under some "God-inspiration" no less. The analogy for her was the idea of trust. She was stepping out and trusting that as she let go of the old swing the new one would be there to catch a hold of. (For those interested, her particular area of trust was the decision to following Jesus.) I saw this and was instantaneously reminded of flying and the poem I had written about it. Letting go and soaring through the air, believing, or perhaps rather hoping, that in that step of faith one will not fall but rather reach something new, exciting and quite brilliant. I decided then that the two went too well together not to make the match. Many weeks have since passed but I eventually got round to emailing her and now, tonight, I unexpectedly found this in my virtual mailbox and feel it is finally time to share them both.

I think the timing might be perfect too. I was talking about hope last time, I do believe, and have some more things to say about that when I get a minute. Hope has been on my heart a while actually, in part due to this verse:

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV (link)

Hey, it even has running in there. Flying too! And walking, though I don't think I've analogised that yet... I will soon :-)

Do you want know an interesting thing about hope? A few of us were sharing thoughts about this passage one time and a lady who spoke Portuguese say that the verb actually meant trust as well. So I've been doing a bit of research and it turns out that in romance languages (as in those that descend from Latin, but we can talk about languages of love if you like the analogy!) this is indeed the case. The Latin root is sperare. For hope this becomes a transitive verb, which means you hope in a direct object - that is something specific that will happen. For trust it is intransitive, you Just Trust. Incidentally it can also mean waiting in both the transitive and intransitive sense...

So that hope we need to have for a brighter future - perhaps there is an element of non-specific trust? We imagine it as bright but the source of the brightness is unclear. When the details are not apparent, instead of being confused or impatient, Just Trust. This translation of the same verse actually uses trust instead:

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NLT (link)

To be fair though, I think the idea of hoping specifically in the LORD is basically the same thing as general trust, given how very unpredictable The Big Man can be! As for waiting being both particular and general: one thing I never do know is if I am waiting for what I think I am waiting for, so I reckon that might be quite apt!

Well. That was an interesting sidetrack, I hope you didn't get too bored! I'm not sure I have reached a particular conclusion mind, just thinking out loud. I've heard hope defined as "the joyful expectation of good things" and I like that. Good things: is that specific or vague? In my experience people tend to need particular desires to focus their heart on because we're not motivated to act by pure theory, indeed how can you act without a plan? That is what I take to mean "Imagine a Brighter Future" (see the Pants of Prophecy (link)) However, one never can be sure if what they put their hope into is the right thing and I suppose that is why it's good to stay pretty open minded too. Hmmmmm? Hope doesn't go just because our direct objects fail us. Those transient things may fade but the intransient will not.

I didn't do the poem yet did I! Here you go:

rigid
frigid
scared to be Explicit
loving
caring
just not too Daring
Wanting
Dreaming
but caught in reasoning
telling you to stay pristine
never breaking the routine
don’t need to be too Extreme

Deep down you’re Cool
Like “old school”
yet skins, they get tighter
What about the Radical?

it’s not that I despise you
I don’t want to divide you
But have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?

Funny. It absolutely doesn't seem to fit with the linguistical analysis of general hopeful waiting. Trust means we can relax and be confident of receiving good things but it also means we sometimes have to brace and leap and trust is that active place. It doesn't sound like waiting at all, and it doesn't sound non-specific. Is this another "both/and"?

Sometimes it's either choose to fly or choose to dangle on the old swing. If the momentum goes then we may never make it across to the other side. That's an analogy for being bold and courageous and not missing important opportunities - we were talking about that tonight incidentally, me and some friends. It seems everything everywhere is actually linked...

My heart at the moment is definitely inclined in the faith growing direction and I wonder how best to do that, faced with these two opposing choices. In some ways I reckon that trust, and also hope, can be a lot better demonstrated in the letting go rather than in the sitting and waiting in ambiguity. I've heard it said that faith is being sure of the things we hope for. How can I be sure unless I let go and have it proved to me?

Yet, well, I also think that as an impatiency-inclined, proactive person my trust is sometimes best exercised by not having or seeking the answers and being assured that that too is ok... In this case maybe I'm not even supposed to be up on the trapeze?

I reckon it depends both on character and specific situations and that there is no one strategy that can be applied. However, I think it is not really "both/and" and more just a case of "either/or". Do either this or that, but make the decision. How? I suppose that we Fly when we rise above our ground, base-instinct behaviour. Perhaps the approach is to examine each choice for what we would be inclined to do when we aren't really hoping or trusting... and then do the opposite... thus exceeding our mere humanity and soaring on wings like eagles.

No Pain, No Gain

I just finished the 10k run in 1:09:08 and a wheelchair. I didn't stop running, I sang most of the way round, and all the time my ankle got worse and worse and worse. But until I crossed the finish line I was upright and smiling.

Soon after I was curled up on the floor cry my eyes out at the physical and emotional climax. It has been one hell of a week and, this done, all I have to look forward to is my French exam tomorrow morning...

You know what though, it's OK to cry.

The point of 'love running' is three-fold but always centred around love. Personal loving in an emotional/physical/spiritual way; community loving as we do it corporately, supporting each other and enjoy fun events together too; loving the world as we raise money for orphans (link), prostitutes (link) and the bereaved (link). When I was training the personal stuff was so true. In the release of the run I very often found myself thinking things through, realising stuff about me and/or God, finding more personal freedom. Physically too I am getting my fitness and figure back and that is quite welcome! In the pain of the training there was so much love and healing going on.

Yeah. There is healing in the pain... and that has been the main truth of this week for me and those around me. It feels like, through all the turmoil, wounds are being reopened and this time they are being closed neatly. It is like a broken bone that fused badly so the doctor has to re-break it. Then reset it. Hearts are being rebroken in my city... and then they will be made whole... and we need our hearts to be able to love.

I go to speech therapy because I've got nodules on my voice box. Me and my therapist tend to spend the whole time laughing and laughing and the best thing about it is - as she told me to my delight a few weeks ago - the way the larynx tilts in laughter releases the bad tension and brings healing. Healing in joy. This week was far more somber but you know what? I have never sung better. The larynx tilts the same way when you cry, don'tcha know, and I'd been doing that all morning. Pretty neat since I'd decided the day before that I want to sing and make music for people to dance (link) to.

I, we, are going to get better and when we have recovered there will be much joy and music and dancing. But right now the healing is still taking place. Some of us may be spiritual orphans that don't really feel cherished or loved by others, or perhaps emotional prostitutes that have no love for themselves. Still more of us are bereaved. Loss of a loved one is hard, even more so when there is no closure (link). We need to be mended.

But there is utter hope in what will come and I really believe that hurting now can be a part of the brighter future I was talking about, back before all this stuff hit the fan. In über Christian language, and please keep an open mind, this is what I mean:

"Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honour." James 4:9-10

Now I don't think we suffer because we have "sinned". I think the world suffers because people have treated each other like crap. That is undeniable if you look at the case of a hit-and-run child killer. It is this corporate attitude against life that affects the innocent bystander. God does not dish out bad things, people do. But yet, in the humbling that comes when we are lying on the ground with snot running down our faces, there the hope lies:

"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Again. I don't at all think we who suffer now are the specifically "wicked" ones, though no-one can deny imperfection and lack of love to fellow man. I think that everywhere people are living their lives as selfish individuals that don't understand what community is about. When this happens love is lost. When this happens in the extreme life is snatched away. Snatched from happy families, addicted sex-workers and whole nations.

But the reason there is hope is that I believe God will come and heal this land: as people are sorry for their apathetic (or worse) attitude, try to put it right and then love each other as much as they do themselves. Like the 300 of us that took to the streets of Bristol today and have TOGETHER raised £55,000 and counting. I myself only raised £555 (and counting) of that. It's just better together, when we stop being inward and realise that people are supposed to be parts of a bigger organism. If you don't believe me then look at the maths that says we all do better when we are altruistic. (I'll tell you about that another time...).

And this healing, as the voice analogy clearly proves, is in the tears. Cathartic crying that washes away the dirt. I would bring up the suffering of Jesus and the freedom and cleansing that brings but I don't want my ideas to seem exclusive, as I think this is objectively true about the world with or without Christianity (I just happen to also think we need the God bit to put theory into practice).

I bought a new pair of shoes on Tuesday that gave me blisters when I first wore them. That hurt a lot but these shoes are amazingly beautiful, and I totally need new brown ones, and they say "sole reviver" on the bottom.

I reckon that once they are broken in I will be able to wear them anywhere - my soles revived, injected with life, loving freely. The same will be true for my soul... and these shoes are the kind I can dance in!

Yet I cannot dance, or even step, again today. But that's OK. I did 10k and then when I'd given all I could I sat down and took the weight off. I don't have to step out again until I am able... or a worthy enough cause motivates me. In the recovery time someone else pushed the wheelchair; when I had to hobble along I was supported by dear friends on both sides all the way to a taxi; then, because at the last minute I was prompted/remembered to grab a tenner and stick it in my bra "in case I want to catch a taxi to the finish line!", I was able to get home and, though physically alone, I felt that God was with me and providing my transport. I may not have been moving under my own volition but I was moving forward and that is yet further support for living dependent, overlapping lives. Being strong for each other, loving each other, adding value to life for each other. Not only does brokenness come from an individualistic attitude but wholeness of life doesn't seem possible without community.

My friend's blog Good Grief (link) that I talked about the other day starts on the premise that the more we love the more we suffer. I think I would also suggest that, conversely, the more we suffer the more we love. Again, I try not to dwell on the Jesus example but I do think that somehow, just as grief cuts us open to allow healing in, suffering for others in the name of love allows it in to them too... and the ultimate suffering of Christ for humanity would imply ultimate freedom for us all. In a finite, but still pretty cool way, £55,000 will save many many lives and help bring wholeness to yet more... and that's worth a lot more than a sore foot.

I end on a poem. OK, it's in the bible but this is after all my natural language and it is consistent with the analogies:

⁵ What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
⁶ When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
⁷ They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84

See, it fits. The weeping, the rain, the pilgrimage (which I can only imagine was long and painful and tough on the ole' feet, particularly without a pair of modern supporting shoes). Yet somehow the tears are refreshing and blessing and strengthening for the journey. Appearing before God in Jerusalem - that's the analogy for fullness of life. There is joy right at the start because of the hope at the end. Hence, though pain is the route taken it does not remain the focus or theme, it is not the goal and, actually, it brings with it the necessary strength to arrive at the final destination.

Love is Like a Magic Penny

I was remembering this song earlier because it is just so spot on for how I feel about love and, well, doesn't it make a fabulous analogy? We used to sing it at primary school and thought it was just silly but I am struck these day by how beautiful the sentiment is:

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

I'd never heard the other verses before, I really like them a lot and am particularly struck by the dancing analogy.

An afterthought:

Hmmmmm, actually, why not. I say this because I am both cheekily joking and deadly serious and because it seems to me to have come up quite naturally. I am only doing a quick post tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow and run 10 km for the sake of love (link). On a swollen ankle and with a slightly infected mega blister no less. I don't say this to moan or to brag. I say it because it is an analogy for sacrifice bringing freedom and if you read what I wrote at the link above it goes into more detail that I don't have time for tonight.

Love Running (link) is the name of the project. The pain of tomorrow is no patch on the suffering of African children, addicted prostitutes and grieving families. The cost of sponsorship is no patch on the difference only a small amount of money can make to those lives. It would stop being a metaphor if that magic penny found its way into my justgiving account before tomorrow morning - love would actually have increased in the world. This post did not start off intending to be a request for money but I just don't see why it shouldn't end as one. Freedom is the key to fullness of life, which is what I keep banging on about. I think giving away love would bring freedom to both you and thousands of others... how can I deprive anyone of that opportunity?

Good Grief

Today has been the most painful day so far. God is really really good.

I have analogies to back this up but I also have a bed time to honour. So instead I will welcome the newest member of my online community and be really thankful for the fact that she too is joining in the fight against darkness.

This new blog, Good Grief (link), is my most recent analogy for the reality of hope (whilst also being a totally wonderful play on words). I don't think she will mind me explaining that the author is the same friend I mentioned yesterday as having just received an extra dose of tragedy to cope with.

Her attitude now is such a blessing to me, re-emphasising just when I really needed it that this hope is for everyone. Which is good since there isn't much point in being excited about it otherwise... This is what community is about - taking it in turns to support each other as we alternate between strong and weak.

I can't wait to read how someone else is approaching the question of light from their own perspective and language. I particularly like that it won't be a Christian blog actually... I think it'll be ace to see what universal truths are there under the semantics.

OW

I know there is such a thing as blogging too much but I don't care, it is all I can do right now.

Last week on Monday Becca marveled at my cheer. I assured her that I did have the occasional half hour of despondency and she told me that, even so, if I ever actually needed her she would be there. She did not know what she was letting herself in for.

I don't think I have ever actually seen more pain ever in one place. We are not just talking Sam, though that sort of shadows the whole thing. Failed ambitions, broken hearts, lost dreams, yet more death. Everywhere I look. What is going on...?

When I started this blog it was Easter and I wrote about that day and the resurrection of Jesus as a symbol, or analogy, of hope in and potential for fullness of life. This is still true. Yet, well, show me the fullness...

I wasn't wrong to be hopeful like this but I did miss a vital part and that part is Good Friday. The day that represents death. The day of darkness. The day that reminds us of the things in this world that block freedom and life and, to me, shows the need for the substitution of Jesus.

I really really want it to be Sunday now, all the time, but I realise it isn't. Experience speaks for itself that all is not well. Some poeple would tell me I am living in a limiting mindset. I tell them to wait for what comes next if they don't believe me yet. Every day I wake up knowing that the day has something significant to bring and every day I go to bed and am hit by the sadness of what the day did bring. This afternoon I saw hope come to one girl as she dealt with her grief... only to hear a sudden death stole the life of her friend tonight. What is going on? I thought I had it bad. How are we to stand this?

Thing is, I do. I can stand it. I don't get it but I still fervently believe in the true love forever. I think I must be autistic. When love is imperfect our hope might be misplaced. When love is perfect then, by definition, it will not fail us.

If I had to pick a day of the week to be an analogy to life now I think it would be Saturday. Touched on both sides by the dark of Friday and the light of Sunday it is the both/and once more. Moving ever closer to the next day and farther from the one before, but not yet arrived... we have departed though, our destination is certain and it is at least the weekend.

So I sing. 'Dancing in the Moonlight' and 'Dance the Night Away' are pretty helpful. They are cheesy crap but I need that right now. It is Saturday night and the lights are down low. So DANCE. What else to do? I have more vehemency for life. I don't want to be bitter like Wolverine or Inigo Montoya. I have decided to be a musician, or at least actually try. Life is too short for wishful thinking and it seems the best way I know to bring joy. We need joy so so bad. And a soundtrack to dance to.

No, my hope is not stolen yet. Au contraire, it makes me all the more desperate to get away from Friday and see the dawn rising. I think we have to be ready to herald that dawn in and seek the rising sun and the casting away of the shadows. That is where the belief in the brighter future comes from even though we are still painfully aware of the things that happened yesterday.

I don't know how much more darkness will come and I desperately hope that I can stay joyful if it does. Literally anything could happen in the blink of an eye. The world as we know it is changing before our eyes.

Apparently, though, when Pandora opened that box and let evil out into the world, left in the bottom was hope. (No, I haven't confused my religion with ancient mythology.) Fragile though it was, it was there after all the bad stuff attacked.

Every generation sees shi*t happen and they didn't all see the end of the world come. I can't possibly speculate. I don't pretend to. But the phrase "the darkest hour is before the dawn" comes to mind. Time scales are of no consequence. I personally feel I can't cope with much more of this and still keep smiling most of the time but I could be wrong... we will bear what we will bear and the promises of what will come are very good and very real. People are tougher than they think. So what if I've got an injury and may not be able to race at the weekend; and my degree is falling apart before my eyes; and, well, I don't know what will sneak up on me next to try and steal my joy but it has all been having a pretty good go. However, if I can resist long enough it will stop and then the good will come... and it's not just true for me either. It is a little scary as to what may happen next, I admit. Better pray harder. In the end though, we go through hardships (link) now for a kingdom that will not fail or end. That's not just the Bible, it's the very nature of resistance and endurance training - ask any athlete.

Yes, we really still can see the brighter future. I once marveled to myself at how chirpy this blog had turned out and how much the world seemed to be telling me bright, joyful things. Now? I think it is telling me something quite different... but also that, in the valley, good things will come and how, though still dark, the dancing for joy isn't not true.

What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84: 5-7 (link)

Becca and I watched The Princess Bride again tonight. Keeping the vision. Lol, watching our "Perfect Love" in the shape of Westley the Farm Boy more like:


I jest because I don't know what else to do. And because I can. Hey, this is my Jesus, my true love, and I will not "marry another while He lives"... and, well, he sure is perfect... :-P Before we did this we lay on top of my car and watched the night sky and wished upon some stars. Then, well, I thought it was funny - a bloke walked past and in a moment of brilliant quickness I looked up and said:

"This isn't your car is it?"

We laughed for like 5 minutes.

Right here right now OW is a pretty good summary. But then so is WOW. Both/And. The best part is: the bad is fleeting and the good is not. This is why joy has, thus far, survived.

Sorry to be so intense, life just is right now. I wonder if it will ever not be...

Love Cadette

A post to share the sermon I recommended that was preached on Sunday:

http://www.woodlandschurch.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=226&Itemid=119

It's the most recent one called "Vision for Growth" by Dave Mitchell. That was the intended topic of that morning see. It is also, in a very real way, a part of what happens off the back of the accident. As I talked about being a Wolverine yesterday, with passion from devastation to fight evil, I could see that increased vision for the advancement of the Kingdom/fullness of life/good things/perfection/true love. It kicked it home.

But the thing that is most important is the LOVE. Fighting dark with light, evil with good, wrong with right. That is a clear message of the sermon. Not surrendering, as Wolverine was at risk of doing, to being driven by bitterness and a lust for revenge.

We had nickname doing kids work on Saturday because they couldn't have their real name displayed in public (a protection again the sad fact of the dark things of world). We had bandannas which we customised and mine said "Love Cadette". I must remember this, when we go forth. It isn't about revenge but redemption.

One interesting point I just want to highlight (for those that don't listen to it) from the sermon was the question of why. In John 9 it looks like Jesus may give an answer as to why bad things happen:

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus.

Simple enough, good clarifier. The next bit Dave explains as having no grammar in the original Hebrew and so I write it without:

"but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

Looking at the version of punctuation in the link it may suggest that this happened to display the work of God. That don't sound like my God. The suggestion then is perhaps rather:

"but this happened. So that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me..."

It just happened. We haven't the answer but it is time to get on with the work to display God, that is, display love (link). Get on with bringing the light before it is too late.

"night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

It's the classic "life is too short." While we still can there is light, love, to be brought. You don't have to be sent by God to see that need. You don't have to be told by Jesus that time is running out.

What is your source of light and are you lighting the world? It's all about being a love cadette, not an angry ambitious wolfman gone awol. Nor a circus freak that runs away from confrontation and hides in a tent, playing with lightbulbs and earning the odd dollar from his gift (that one is a more obscure reference... you will need to have seen the film!) - he didn't win his battle when the time came and Wolverine missed the point in the end.

X-Men Origins and Divine DJing

I went to see this tonight. It don't know how good it was. It think it might have been very bad but I was so busy being analogised that I didn't care.

In short: there is a whole lot of evil out there that needs fighting.

Other things that happened to me today were - God took me shopping and bought me a new prophetic T-shirt. It says:

TRUE LOVE FOREVER

Amen to that.

I am aware of late just How Much more there is than this life. I don't think I care anymore about what is going to happen to me, I just want to have metal bound to my skeleton so I am strong enough to fight the baddies. You have to be riled up to feel like this and I reckon I have been by all the tragedy. No matter how much it hurts - the liberation of thousands of caged, abused, helpless victims is what matters. I think sometimes the shit has to hit the fan to really see this. The trappings have to be stripped away. The security in the fleeting things let go.

It is good. When we have a total eclipse of the heart (link) we realise that forever just has to start tonight. The harsh truth that things are falling apart stands but there is still love in the dark and, with the help of some fortified mutation, there are a whole load of captives needing to be released all the more urgently now.

Jesus was my DJ all the way home, see. Another of the many pertinent tracks that came up random on my ipod was "The Man in Black" by Johnny Cash himself. He was kinda pissed at the way of things too.

This is my verse in particular:

"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black."

I don't know if things are bright enough yet for a rainbow. "'Til we start to make a move to make a few things right"... are we doing that enough? Clearly no.

But Wolverine was a pretty angry man. I don't want my passion at loss to turn me black. I think, all this said, it is still rainbow time now. After all, if we gotta imagine that brighter future (link) then I suppose we gotta wear the rainbow to show we believe.

If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain. One more prophecy from Johnny... Yesterday, whilst praying for rain to stop, this track (link) popped up (straight after this one (link) actually!). At the end a monologue that linked to the next song about cotton pickin' played. This is what it said:

"My mother always said if you look for it, if you’re committed to the Lord, that there’s a blessing that will always come in times of adversity. Well I couldn’t see it, you know, a blessing in that flood that run us out of our home for two weeks... but we came back from the hills and the blessing was there alright. The land was covered with rich black river dirt… and Daddy planted the cotton crop… and the cotton grew taller that next year than ever before. And everything good happened at pickin’ time if anything good was gonna happen. And that year we had a great pickin’ time."

Sometimes my stupid hope gets me into trouble, when I just can't help using it for the irrelevant stuff. But I reckon with all the rain that's been falling lately I might just need it to keep a hold of this significant promise of blessed white fields to come.

Turn around bright eyes. Head to higher ground. Forever, true love, starts tonight. We're just a step from heaven (link). There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning (link) and, though we're soaking through and through, He's handing us a towel (link). Hope. Sometimes it's all we got. I think it might be all the more important now.

Tomorrow I will wear some rainbows, whether I feel like it or not. And the new T-shirt, of course - it's all about the True Love... 'cause it lasts Forever.

The Princess Bride

I don't know if I am blogging too much at the moment but I am thinking a lot and it is sure a helpful way of processing. I realise that we all speak different languages and that I myself use evangelical Christian lingo loads (and still feel a bit wierd about it a lot of the time). I do try and interchange that to semi-explain but today I want to define stuff at the start so I don't have to keep caveating. One phrase I tend to use is 'fullness of life' because I think it is self-explanatory and we can all relate to it without the need for translation. It is a general notion that I have often mixed up with "The Kingdom of God" or "The Kingdom of Heaven" (same thing as each other) but this is actually a far more specific concept (it also means fullness but has a particular method for achievement) that I found myself referring to in part in my last post and which may well have been quite confusing for readers that aren't au fait with the details of my faith.

So let me elucidate through the medium of one of the greatest films ever made.

The theme of the church being the bride of Christ has come up a few times recently on AT! so when I decided to watch this film tonight I sort of had an inkling it might make an interesting analogy! Gosh, I know, contrived. Yet I have been really wanting to watch it again for ages now and kept looking out for it every time I go past DVDs for sale; then today a serious of uncoordinated events lead me to a friend's house who had watch it the day before and I realised that now was my chance! We used to watch it in DT at Christmas... who'd have thought I would see Jesus in it 11 years later...!

I don't want to ruin the plot, though really can anyone not have seen this legend of a film...? I suppose I can't assume. Like Jesus, some fools are still missing out :-P Jokes! Basically it a story with the central theme of True Love. Evil is personified incredibly well by the lying cowardly selfish prince and there is an initially-underdog hero with a hidden identity. A posy of inept but well-intending and diverse companions represent the church!

You may think that this film is about Jesus coming to earth, fighting for love and, given he dies and is resurrected at one point, we then see the Easter story. It could be about that I suppose but actually, as I eluded to before, this is not the complete story of Jesus according to the Christian faith.

You see, this hero actually dies twice in the story. At the start he leaves but promises to return for his true love, so when the news of his death arrives it destroys her ability to ever love again. Her life is in effect then sold to the evil prince and she doesn't know any kind of joy at all. Then he turns up again out of the blue, rescues her from the foolish yet deadly kidnappers (even though it was "inconceivable") and they are free to fight for her freedom (spot the paradox) from her betrothal to the head baddie. THIS is where "The Kingdom" is now. Post return from the dead by the unexpected saviour and love of her life, they are suddenly alive again together - him in body, her in heart - and ready to take the victory. The power of that love means that they will succeed. Yet they are not out of the danger zone and still have to get through the "fire swamp", be hunted down by the prince, and then, after a little bit of death, storm the palace, kill some major enemies and suffer much injury. Indeed, they are actually separated for a time during which she has seemingly returned to her fate and can only hope for him to once more come back for her.

While he is away is when he dies the second time. Except, actually, he doesn't die at all. Even when they go for the "miracle" the witchdoctor says he is only mostly dead and that is not what we believe about the cross At All. But it might be what we believe about Christianity at times.

You see, the Kingdom was established when he came back the first time. Back from the dead that is (we are talking about Jesus now by the way, not the farmboy-turned-fighter). That was when her heart was reawaken, that was when she (the princess bride - both her and the church) gained her faith in him so that, when she lost sight of him again, she knew it wasn't forever and believed in the return. He (Westley) said to her (Buttercup):

W: "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

B: "I will never doubt again."

W: "There will never be a need."

Awwwwwww.

She did doubt mind. He came back at such a last minute, when she had (mistakenly) thought it was too late, that she was about to kill herself in despair. He would never have let her though.

We Christians often doubt, despite the reassurances that there is no need. We live with this love in our hearts but it can wane and when the evil baddies of the world are trying to woo us, whilst secretly plotting behind our backs to strangle us on our wedding night, it can feel a lot like that love isn't coming back. Sometimes we even entertain the idea of "marrying another" but this love, this perfect love, really cannot be tracked down by a thousand blood hounds or broken... no way no how (I can't remember the whole quote).

In the time they are reunited he rescues her from a pit. Soon after, when she is afraid and says "We'll never succeed. We may as well die here", he says "No, no. We have already succeeded." There is this whole time that goes by of knowing that love is alive and they are already victorious and then having to wait for it to arrive. That is what I meant yesterday when I said NOW and NOT YET. They have still got stuff to fight and, as I am all too aware, losses to bear, but the love is alive and in that there is all the potential for joy in the world and an ever increasing experience of it, as we become more and more full and free in life... closer and closer to him coming back and deafeating the enemy once and for all.

So that is what "The Kingdom" is. It is the living love in our hearts that is exploding outwards as we approach the day of completion. I do believe we have the Key to the Kingdom in our hands/hearts but I also believe that the King has not yet taken control. He was crowned on the cross, the coronation at the crucifixion, but he is waiting a while before he fully takes up the position. The wait seems so painful but He does it out of love because if there was no wait we'd have no chance to choose Him. He leaves the gates open to let people in but as long as they are open bad stuff can get in too... That's why it is another both/and situation and so confusing and also frustrating at times. It - that is the love, the Kingdom - becomes more pervasive though, I think it advances as the plot climaxes. This happens as the unlikely but lovable drunk, socially rejected, foolish, bitter companions come alongside the now unmasked hero, who they realise they both need and love, and unite together with him even though they tried to kill him near the start. They really hope and do their best, he is brilliant, the princess marries her saviour and their love is finally made complete. The couple have the most passionate, the most pure kiss since kissing was invented and then they ride off into the distance on white horses, to the Happy Ever After.

All this and narrated by Columbo too. If heaven is half as good then you know it will be a pretty special place!

A Death and a Wedding

When Sam, aged 12, died on Friday night I really didn't think this blog would be an appropriate forum to discuss it in. Well at first I didn't so much think at all, it was mostly an emotion of deep sadness. As the waves of grief wash over a person the internal processing is also tidal, and when I did get round to reasoning about it, particularly in the context of my world view, I didn't know how I could possibly reconcile my (still existing) hope and love of life with public expression or enthusiasm. There is distaste and then there is betrayal of dear friends in their terrible loss.

I made two mistakes. The first was an air of flippancy about joy as I blogged before. The second was to think that I must not be joyful now.

On Friday morning I felt like I wanted wanted to write a clarifier in response to my enthusiasm about dancing (link). Since Friday night I have had the fuel for this clarifier but it literally grieves me as to what it took to help me understand.

I find a useful model for experiencing the ups and downs of life in both the Bible and ancient philosophy. 1 Corinthians 4 (link) talks about a church that grieves together and rejoices together whilst Plato (link) too describes this when outlining a "city with the best constitution". We need to be respectful of one another when we see what we are going through but, more than that, community is about truly sharing in each others's lives. This morning at church we grieved corporately. I saw mourning parents, spoke with them, hugged them, cried a little too. It was really real and it was terribly sad and there are no answers.

And I don't think we are supposed to have them. We believe in a God that raises people from the dead but we live in a world where people do die and stay dead. The knowledge that Sam knew Jesus is a huge comfort to those of us who believe that means he is is heaven, but it doesn't stop the tragedy of a young life coming to an end; and expecting good things to be brought from this does not justify the loss. I think perhaps there are sometimes more questions as a Christian than not, because we believe that God knows what will happen and has power over everything. The need to let go and remember our humanity is difficult in the promise that we have the authority of Christ living in us.

So there is Both denial And acceptance of this death. And this is the first of many BOTH/ANDs. God is good... and bad things happen. We are free and empowered to live life in fullness... and life gets taken away. We should be glad for what is out there... and there are nasty things out there trying to get in. Continuing to believe in the best things... and seeing the worst happen. Knowing that Jesus said fullness of life is right here right now if we choose to live in it... but also knowing that He said He's going to one day come back and bring it with Him.

That last one in particular... it fits with my adamancy of late that we have the complete potential to be totally whole and free and living life in all it's fullness, yet with this happening as a sudden stark reminder of the final chapter to come in the story. It is NOW and NOT YET. How can this even be the case?

But it is the case. And as we mourn and are genuinely sad I have also had tons of laughter in the past 24 hours. I was at times so hopeful for what will come from this that I felt guilty... until I randomly met with my pastor in the street at just the right time, had some great sound advice from friends, re-remembered how to cry, then heard a sermon that reminded me I am only finite in my capacity to feel and that people can be both JOYFUL and GRIEVING simultaneously. I saw smiles and laughter at church, even through the tears of his parents. It was only a moment but everywhere and in every way we and life are both/and. [I highly recommend the sermon actually and will put a link up just as soon as it is online. It isn't overt-God, just really helpful ideas about expressing the truth that joy and hope and love is not wrong in the face of this, but that the pain is still real.]

Studying maths I have learned that many things are beyond understanding. If backed into a corner, even the most brilliant of theorists will have to admit that the very foundations of maths are unproven, circular and paradoxical. That is a nightmare and because of it we mathematicians live behind a veil of ignorance (wow I would not be popular in my department if they knew I said that!). The same impossibility applies here. Stuff happens that the actual processes of logic we use to function can't grasp. Life (and counting) does seem to work and go on but the why is totally incomprehensible and that is the point of trust.

One of the problems with the maths is the realm of the infinite. Things just change when we deal with numbers that aren't tangible. There is no more "logic". Sam's death is simply wrong on our finite human scale. When we factor in eternity it doesn't stop our human reasoning from being in pain because we are still human, but it does mean that somehow something is different... even if we are unable to fully grasp it. His six year old brother serenely drew a picture of him going off in a balloon from the rest of the family to a happy place. Kids that age don't have a grasp of the impact of "forever" apparently. I think maybe we are ones the that don't have the grasp. Who knows, perhaps that is the childlike faith we are told to believe in.

It was a steal, not a plan. But in the long, actual long, run, in a way we don't yet get, it is still fullness of life. Not the kind of death (link) that I wrote of before, so we don't mourn like those without hope (link). But we do mourn for now. Yet not too.

To carry on we must remember it is both/and. The sadness of death is true but so is the joy of life and, since the size (or cardinality for a mathematician) of the life far exceeds the size of the death, the net result is still good. In theory at least.

The wedding celebrated in our church on Saturday reminds us of this joy. A wedding, like the one Jesus gives (as mentioned a couple of posts ago (link)) as an analogy for the union of us with Him when He returns for good. The picture of perfect love, intimacy and joyful celebration for ever. We are still to hope for that and remember that it is coming in entirety one day...

Another thing we did yesterday was take part in a social action project, blessing the very community (I actually drove past the spot) in which the hit and run took place. Sharing love potentially, and definitely symbolically, with the drunk driver responsible. I was group leading with some children that day who are Sam's age and younger. They can't help but be joyful it seems. As we were driving along they started shouting excitedly out the window and, after a conversation about sensitivity to different people's beliefs, the little girl next to me began calling:

"Welcome to the future!"

When we got to lunch, for some unknown (possibly unknowable?!) reason there was a camp man playing a white custom-made fancy electric organ (with "Byron Jones The Welsh Wizard" written on the front) there, practising for a hymn concert that evening. Amidst the tunes he suddenly blasted out "Dancing Queen" and we all had a sing-a-long.

It IS the future, it IS dancing... and it is still a little bit now and sometimes crap with a capital 'C' too.

Fullness of life isn't always about merriment. My enthusiasm before was concerned with counteracting apathy and cynicism, not about grief in the things that genuinely demonstrate a lack of life. Yet the constant, all-pervading, joy is still a valid notion when considered in relation to the future hope; it just doesn't always look like dancing. (Though it still can do too.) Bitter-sweet.

The Bible says that the Kingdom of God (Christian lingo for total fullness of life (a necessary tautology I now realise)) belongs to those such as the children. It also says that death has lost its sting. We do still feel the bitter puncture wound right here right now but in heaven today, and forever more, Sam is dancing (well most probably playing football actually)... and he is gonna get better and better at it for ever and ever. That is just sweet.

No analogy befits this

God is still good.

Everything I've said about joy and life and hope and possibility still stand. I don't deny them for a minute. However, today I will not chirp with excitement because it is one of those rare times to mourn.

I also don't deny that there can still be these things in a place of grief. But they are not to be bandied about or paraded insensitively since the horrific loss of a young life to a drunk driver occurred in my close community last night.

He nearly got hit by a car that morning and told his mum he would never forget the day he almost died. They had a long conversation about heaven that day because of it, about how great it would be. Then that evening, leaving kids club, standing on the pavement in a crowd of friends, he was gone.

From carefree playing to eternity with Jesus in an instant. It's that close. There are questions we cannot answer and neither have we the right to understand.

We do know that good things will come... but right now we mourn.

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18
¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

¹⁵ We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. ¹⁷ Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ So encourage each other with these words.

Joyce, Jesus and noughties Gospel music

A brilliant comment on my last entry compels me to respond:

"As far as living life in all its fullness goes, I'm leaving you some Joyce on Jesus: "He was a bachelor, and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most difficult things a man has to do, and he never did it."

At first I just thought you'd think it was funny. I love how, even though he's (at most) half-serious, it tells you v little about Jesus but loads about Joyce's relationship with his own long-term partner: the implicit tolerance, sense of duty, and ultimately the love that makes you stick it out. That kind of intimacy is so crucial to being human, it seems like a life without it would have such a hole in it. Ah, I get the 'marriage is an analogy of Jesus and his Church' thing, but I bet Jesus never had to pick the Church's suspenders off the floor for the nth time in a row, and bite his lip to keep from saying anything, as if he did, it would deliberately flirt with St. Peter to try and piss him off. "

I couldn't fit what I had to say in a reply and so I post!

The analogies in play here are Jesus to humankind and how his marriage to the church (that is all Christians, not a pile of bricks) is actually an insufficient relationship experience.

The point is the necessity of intimacy for a fulfilled life.

When I make plans for my future, which I mostly do for fun given how often they seem to change, I keep one element open. Nothing I dream of requires or denies a partner and kids. This is so I don't get disappointed - but that is not sad like one friend thought I meant! Equal to growing old alone, if I makes plans that have me traveling the world on some crazy-cool lives-changing mission and then someone comes along and messes them up, I don't want to begrudge the brilliant low key local community life God may have planned for us. Whatever happens though, one thing I don't think is that I will need human intimacy to be complete.

Yet my reader is not wrong that we crave intimacy. Indeed, I think she may be spot on in identifying it as the crux of humanity.

Jesus is not just Becca's analogy, He is also God's analogy. God used Jesus to show us what humanity is supposed to look like. Does that mean God says we are all to be alone then? Not at all. A single ancient Jewish bloke in his early 30's (not least one that is so perfect!) isn't a very relatable character for many folk at all. The key is to pick up on the theme that the analogy is promoting (like my prophetic underwear - the theme is not that life is pants!). The theme of Jesus's life was His intimacy with God - sharing the same vision (of peace, love and joy) and staying in constant touch (through prayer that is). That is what we are supposed to get from the example.

Which makes sense because, as rightly observed, people crave intimacy. But maybe they got that from a desire to be closer to God that comes from when we hung out together in the garden? As also quite rightly observed, a lot of us do find this in human relationships... but people can totally let us down (which isn't a fulfilling feeling at all) and even if not, that description of compromise and tolerance of an other's flaws doesn't sound perfect to me. All the different relationships available to us are, in my mind, analogies to help understand God better. The marriage one demonstrates an intensity of love and an exclusive intimacy that we can't get elsewhere. Sex, well, that's a whole other post but I think it is a powerful example of that in action (literally), which is why we need to be careful how we use it. Don't get me started on the dangers of cultural sexulisation though...!

As for this notion of the church leaving it's suspenders on the floor - dirty laundry all over the shop. The appropriateness of that analogy saddens me: how right you are that we take the piss all the time out of our perfect "husband"; we aren't Jesus's fulfillment and all too readily we will flirt with St. Peter. When he walked the earth too Jesus didn't get the intimacy that he needed from his followers - Judas betraying him, Peter denied him, Thomas doubted him and absolutely no-one understood him. By the end of his life Jesus was entirely alone and then, on the cross, even God left him. At that point there was no fullness of life. Not because he wasn't married though, but because the intimacy he had with God that gave him wholeness was gone. Totally alone, the moment before he died, crying out that he had been forsaken by God.

Becca, you're not wrong that Jesus didn't have fullness of life... but it was not 'cause he wasn't married. He showed us it was possible, told us to believe in it, then experienced the absence of it at an intensity no man ever has. Totally void and alone, the pain of the crucifixion was far harsher even than the accumulation of his friends rejection, public taunts, hatred, injustice, scorn, whip lashings, sleep deprivation, cross dragging, thorn wearing, nail piercing, tendons tearing, nerves stabbing, giddy bloody and drawn-out suspension process. Jesus, on the inside, was dead to life in the holistic experience sense and it was because he didn't have intimacy.

For me this is both the how and the why I now want to live life in all it's fullness. I can because what Jesus did on the cross actually changes everything for ever, enabling freedom even when it seems impossible (I didn't mean to get this preachy already and that is yet another topic... but if anyone wants to know then ask, do do ask); I want to because, well, it would be both foolish and wrong to knock that back, given how much it costs and how freely it was given. Jesus suffered for the hope of future joy and right here right now is the future! The time for mourning is passed (he rose from the dead don'tcha know!) because death is dead, life is alive and he took the shackles off our feet so we could dance!

I appreciate that the bible telling you to always be joyful may not be relevant to everyone (though if the bible is relevant to you then harken at that) but an unrestricted life should be. The world is analogising it all the time - this freedom is in the smell of spring and the colour of a kitchen. The universe points out the true way to life and all I know that that it pointed me to Jesus. If you got a better way tell me, if you got a worse way look for a better one.

Freedom from death in every sense and perfect intimacy - is there anyone that doesn't want it this good? Perhaps you're stumped by "too good to be true"? I say it again: life only makes sense if it is alive and death surviving is an oxymoron. Truth is a part of this wonderful life and lies are what destroy so, actually, since the better something is the more "alive" it is, we can thus imply without contradiction the truer it is! Thus the most brilliant things are also the most true. ERGO: eternal (in both the time and quality sense) life right here right now just IS!

"Everything for ever, nothing never."