... I went got me a new one. Check out 'Communikate' for the whys and wherefores. It's been about a little while but I figure having more than two readers might encourage me to write a bit more. I'm not going to lie to you, there's not much quality there right now - I'm kinda out of flow an all. But I have got some dreams about what it could be so watch this space, if you like.
Sorry there's no clever/ridiculous/tenuous analogy to introduce it. I just can't be arsed (hence it being time for a new blog).
I still massively believe in the metaphor mind. More so than ever perhaps. Life just got interesting in other ways recently and I thought I'd explore that for a time.
Over and out.
X
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I miss you
I miss blogging. I miss everything. I miss finishing something I have started writing; capturing a thought and turning it into something complete; sitting down with a nice cuppa tea and not having a nagging "to do" in the back of my mind. I miss rest and I miss activity that is productive - how can a person be so busy and not be at all effective? Or at least, not effective in the things she puts most of her energy into.
I know well that the Christian call is not one to be a "doer" of life. That's because we don't need to work at being saved, because it isn't possible so God, who is gracious, made a way through Jesus (link)!! It's also because life isn't a hobby, action or event - it's a state. It is the context within which other things happen - jobs, relationships, children, ministry, creativity etc etc etc - and it's quality shouldn't be determined by the "stuff" it contains; rather, the quality of what it contains is determined by the atmosphere around it.
So I quit my job...
I miss them too. In a way. I miss the dear sweet (pain in the arse) children, and the fight for progress. I miss the office banter and I even miss the people I didn't see eye to eye with.
Mostly though, I miss me.
I suppose if one's character is constantly changing, being redefined by what you do and experience, then all too easily we can become strangers to ourselves if we rapidly change tack. This isn't always a bad thing but when it is the potential damage is high. I'm glad I've realised now but I still feel a little farther from home that I would like. But then perhaps this is my Dorothy moment : somewhere over the rainbow...
I also miss what goes missing when you don't have opportunity to be. To be yourself, to be with God, to listen to the world around and hear what it is telling you through the most ridiculous and sublime media. No wonder I don't have an analogy to share today... I've been so busy I missed it.
I know well that the Christian call is not one to be a "doer" of life. That's because we don't need to work at being saved, because it isn't possible so God, who is gracious, made a way through Jesus (link)!! It's also because life isn't a hobby, action or event - it's a state. It is the context within which other things happen - jobs, relationships, children, ministry, creativity etc etc etc - and it's quality shouldn't be determined by the "stuff" it contains; rather, the quality of what it contains is determined by the atmosphere around it.
So I quit my job...
I miss them too. In a way. I miss the dear sweet (pain in the arse) children, and the fight for progress. I miss the office banter and I even miss the people I didn't see eye to eye with.
Mostly though, I miss me.
I suppose if one's character is constantly changing, being redefined by what you do and experience, then all too easily we can become strangers to ourselves if we rapidly change tack. This isn't always a bad thing but when it is the potential damage is high. I'm glad I've realised now but I still feel a little farther from home that I would like. But then perhaps this is my Dorothy moment : somewhere over the rainbow...
I also miss what goes missing when you don't have opportunity to be. To be yourself, to be with God, to listen to the world around and hear what it is telling you through the most ridiculous and sublime media. No wonder I don't have an analogy to share today... I've been so busy I missed it.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
False prophets
I know I know I know, I have not been At All around. I'm sorry. You think you're hard-done-by? Try being one of my actual real-life friends that I am neglecting.
That is a whole other story though.
Remember my Cat of Redemption (link)? Dang it, it really would help to have a picture. Mum, Dad, C, Rich - if you are out there anywhere could you email me a pic of Tilly and Abby together please? It is high time I illustrated this point.
Anywho. CofR (aka Tilly) is an all-black cat and Abby is black and white with the white being mostly on her belly. One time a dear friend of mine Miss Love came over and she met Tilly... she then saw Abby on a chair later and said oh there's The Cat of Redemption again. Ehr Ehr! (quiz show fail noise). From that moment onwards Abs has had the rather unfortunate name of "The Cat of False Prophecy". (Kitty the fluffy tabby feels rather left out.)
It is SO easy to take a fabulous analogy - like, I don't know, a pertinent song or a car - and think it means something. A friend of mine did that once. She fancied a boy who had her dream car: it was in her favourite colour and the make had brilliant adverts. That, coupled with a memorable moment of eye contact and a shared taste in music, had her smitten. Perhaps you might want to say smote as it wasn't really a good thing.
We were in my car the other week behind the very same model of car and it prompted a memory; and a revelation. The boy thing never worked out and the car (and song) were always a bit of a frustration for her - why did it even have to be like that? Why fall at all, with such small but darling details to now have to let go of?? My thought was that perhaps God sometimes let people see small "signs", from which they inevitably infer big wrong things, because working through all of the resentment and pain the lesson comes out that people are, in fact, emotional and pattern forming creatures who often see what they want to see.
This might not sound very hopeful from a blog that seeks to find something in everything! However, it is important if one is seeking out the truth and not a projected ideal. Care must be taken when looking for answers; if not, when the lights come on and you realise it was just a fiction, hearts can get hardened rather than wisdom increased.
So the false prophecy was actually a real analogy! Everything is significant, just not always in the way we expect or want it to be. I think Abby probably feels a lot better about her name now. I know my friend finds it easier to let go... Having a purpose to pain always helps, I find.
That is a whole other story though.
Remember my Cat of Redemption (link)? Dang it, it really would help to have a picture. Mum, Dad, C, Rich - if you are out there anywhere could you email me a pic of Tilly and Abby together please? It is high time I illustrated this point.
Anywho. CofR (aka Tilly) is an all-black cat and Abby is black and white with the white being mostly on her belly. One time a dear friend of mine Miss Love came over and she met Tilly... she then saw Abby on a chair later and said oh there's The Cat of Redemption again. Ehr Ehr! (quiz show fail noise). From that moment onwards Abs has had the rather unfortunate name of "The Cat of False Prophecy". (Kitty the fluffy tabby feels rather left out.)
It is SO easy to take a fabulous analogy - like, I don't know, a pertinent song or a car - and think it means something. A friend of mine did that once. She fancied a boy who had her dream car: it was in her favourite colour and the make had brilliant adverts. That, coupled with a memorable moment of eye contact and a shared taste in music, had her smitten. Perhaps you might want to say smote as it wasn't really a good thing.
We were in my car the other week behind the very same model of car and it prompted a memory; and a revelation. The boy thing never worked out and the car (and song) were always a bit of a frustration for her - why did it even have to be like that? Why fall at all, with such small but darling details to now have to let go of?? My thought was that perhaps God sometimes let people see small "signs", from which they inevitably infer big wrong things, because working through all of the resentment and pain the lesson comes out that people are, in fact, emotional and pattern forming creatures who often see what they want to see.
This might not sound very hopeful from a blog that seeks to find something in everything! However, it is important if one is seeking out the truth and not a projected ideal. Care must be taken when looking for answers; if not, when the lights come on and you realise it was just a fiction, hearts can get hardened rather than wisdom increased.
So the false prophecy was actually a real analogy! Everything is significant, just not always in the way we expect or want it to be. I think Abby probably feels a lot better about her name now. I know my friend finds it easier to let go... Having a purpose to pain always helps, I find.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Still here... and still hoping...
Blimey, I haven't been blogging much at all. Talk about being a changed woman. I have plenty of excuses to make and a great long list of things I'd like to say that I don't have time for but let's cut the crap.
Firstly: Happy Christmas! I hope that you all get the analogy of giving presents - that Jesus came to earth as a gift for all of mankind and that is why we celebrate on the 25th December! You didn't? More's the pity.
Second: Happy New Year! Did you realise (I didn't) that this isn't actually a new decade, since the first year A.D. wasn't actually 0 but rather 1, ergo this is the last year in the 201st decade since Jesus was given to mankind. Bit of a dampener isn't it? Still, Radio 1's list of the UK's top 100 purchases of the decade (link) was kinda interesting. Interesting and WRONG - in the top 10 HALF of them were winning tracks from television programmes such as Pop Idol and X-Factor :-O Analogise That! for what it says about British culture. I am disappointed in us all.
Though, to stay on topic for a moment, analogise the way facebook managed to get 'Rage Against the Machine' to Christmas number 1(link). Is it power to the people and a sign of the potential for world alteration through the unity of "insignificant" people? Lol. I particularly love the way that the runner up's X-Factor song 'The Climb' has the lyrics:
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
True dat.
The thing is, I'm not actually taking the piss. I even bought that track 'cause I'm all about the uphill battle and am well aware that though "my faith is shaking I gotta keep trying". Ridiculous? Or sublime? (I know my metaphor swapped sides halfway through - deal with it!)
In other news, all over England we have beautiful prophetic weather. I wrote a song about it last Feb, when we first got - to quote the Mayor of London - "the wrong kind of snow". It's called 'Snow Hope' and a bit of it goes like this:
S’a tiny flake of hope as I sit and wait
For the day that the weather will break
and a little piece of heaven will cover my world
One on it’s own the world would melt
Oh so fragile they can barely be felt
Yet they can halt life’s daily machine
You know it looks quite different when it all looks clean
Pause a while take stock and smile...
The way I see it, this country is basically brought to a stand-still when something bigger than them takes over. Getting in everyone's way because, actually, the world doesn't revolve about them and their way isn't The Way.
It's clearly an image of grace (being made clean) but I am particularly excited by how it's when all the flakes get together that they have a massive force. So strong that "the world" can't cope and they can't ignore or deny it either. People are gonna have to change, and fast, to deal with this outpouring. Each flake totally unique, beautiful and pure... with potential to make a HUOUGE difference.
Are we going to make that difference this year? I ruddy bloody hope so. I think we all need to be stopped in out tracks, before we drive off some proverbial cliff...
Hmmmm. I have enjoyed writing again, it's been far too long. Been expending lots of my words in other arenas you see... another time perhaps I'll share but until then: change the world. OK?
"What we need are more people who specialise in the impossible." - Theodore Roethke
P.S. But can they do it again? http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226
Firstly: Happy Christmas! I hope that you all get the analogy of giving presents - that Jesus came to earth as a gift for all of mankind and that is why we celebrate on the 25th December! You didn't? More's the pity.
Second: Happy New Year! Did you realise (I didn't) that this isn't actually a new decade, since the first year A.D. wasn't actually 0 but rather 1, ergo this is the last year in the 201st decade since Jesus was given to mankind. Bit of a dampener isn't it? Still, Radio 1's list of the UK's top 100 purchases of the decade (link) was kinda interesting. Interesting and WRONG - in the top 10 HALF of them were winning tracks from television programmes such as Pop Idol and X-Factor :-O Analogise That! for what it says about British culture. I am disappointed in us all.
Though, to stay on topic for a moment, analogise the way facebook managed to get 'Rage Against the Machine' to Christmas number 1(link). Is it power to the people and a sign of the potential for world alteration through the unity of "insignificant" people? Lol. I particularly love the way that the runner up's X-Factor song 'The Climb' has the lyrics:
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
True dat.
The thing is, I'm not actually taking the piss. I even bought that track 'cause I'm all about the uphill battle and am well aware that though "my faith is shaking I gotta keep trying". Ridiculous? Or sublime? (I know my metaphor swapped sides halfway through - deal with it!)
In other news, all over England we have beautiful prophetic weather. I wrote a song about it last Feb, when we first got - to quote the Mayor of London - "the wrong kind of snow". It's called 'Snow Hope' and a bit of it goes like this:
S’a tiny flake of hope as I sit and wait
For the day that the weather will break
and a little piece of heaven will cover my world
One on it’s own the world would melt
Oh so fragile they can barely be felt
Yet they can halt life’s daily machine
You know it looks quite different when it all looks clean
Pause a while take stock and smile...
The way I see it, this country is basically brought to a stand-still when something bigger than them takes over. Getting in everyone's way because, actually, the world doesn't revolve about them and their way isn't The Way.
It's clearly an image of grace (being made clean) but I am particularly excited by how it's when all the flakes get together that they have a massive force. So strong that "the world" can't cope and they can't ignore or deny it either. People are gonna have to change, and fast, to deal with this outpouring. Each flake totally unique, beautiful and pure... with potential to make a HUOUGE difference.
Are we going to make that difference this year? I ruddy bloody hope so. I think we all need to be stopped in out tracks, before we drive off some proverbial cliff...
Hmmmm. I have enjoyed writing again, it's been far too long. Been expending lots of my words in other arenas you see... another time perhaps I'll share but until then: change the world. OK?
"What we need are more people who specialise in the impossible." - Theodore Roethke
P.S. But can they do it again? http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226
Monday, December 14, 2009
Insight into humanity
What I would call a Very Telling found poem, that I read on Verbatim (link) (which I've told you about enough already).
I want to
I want to die.
I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
Google searches speaking of people searches, much? What is this world a-coming to.
I want to
I want to die.
I want to break free lyrics. I want
to be anorexic.
I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want
I want to be skinny; I want
to be a model.
I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
to know what love is
lyrics. I want
to get pregnant.
Google searches speaking of people searches, much? What is this world a-coming to.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The beginning of the end
What with it being the start of December I am tempted to say: "what happened to the last 6 months?" The first half went crazy slow but since about mid-June it has whizzed by in a blur. Not a particularly nice blur but I suppose if it's hard you want it to hurry out of the way. However, I will do no 'reviewing the year' until the actual end.
I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.
It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.
This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.
I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.
But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.
[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]
I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)
Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.
‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.
So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...
I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.
It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.
This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.
I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.
But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.
[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]
I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)
Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.
‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.
So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Stranger Danger
Some people say that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.
Most of my friends are strangers I only just met.
2.5 years ago my life got flipped turned upside-down and I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here and tell you how it happened... but I don't have time.
In that quarter decade I never have.
And though there have been moments where this is a symptom of over-working I don't think it is the main reason. Almost everything I do just feels so "right" and the things that aren't are difficult to spot but I'm working on it. I am living an amazing existence: my job has exciting potential to make a real difference, and open some major doors; I've started a "subversive" Christian newspaper that 2 weeks ago didn't exist but will (prayers said) be printed in 3 weeks - counter to all possibility. I'm coping quite well at the moment, having gotten past some massive internal struggles, and am seeing incredible occurrences on a daily basis. Church is flippin' fantastic and by golly I'm even starting to believe once more that good stuff can, nay will, happen.
But I haven't slept in the same bed continuously for as long as 2 weeks since I was in Russia this July.
And I don't know if I will until I go back.
Which is probably in 2 years time.
And it is foolish to plan that far ahead anyway.
Yet I've still got to at least try to learn the language, just in case...
I was hanging out with my equally busy, work-consumed missionary friend tonight for about 20 mins. We vowed (though accidentally broke it several times) to not talk about work. Here was our conversation:
Him: So, what sort of animal would you get?
Me: Well I was planning on "borrowing" one of my parents' cats but I'm too busy with...
[Pause]
Me: What's your favourite colour? Red?
Him: How did you know?
Me: Well, it's your car. But then you didn't choose that did you, you just had to get what you were given 'cause you're a poor missio...
[Pause, where we insulted Luke for talking geekily about Dr Who, before realising that he did, at least, have a hobby]
Me: Errrrr... what's your favourite reptile?
Him:
End of conversation.
I feel like I have no time for friends. I have nothing to talk about with friends apart from "business". The people I do know are all so relatively new and life keeps moving on so fast that sometimes I sit in the same room as them and feel like a stranger in my own life. Am I a friend I haven't met yet?
Sometimes I wish there was someone there to be my stability in this place of huge change. To know about the different parts of my life and be able to feel my pain and get me, even when I don't. Someone that doesn't feel strange. How is this even possible? Just supposing I had the time right now for a "significant other" to come along - which I don't - that level of closeness would still take ages to develop.
Then I remember this poem (that Nathan (link) posted on his blog a little while ago and gives a little bit of the info for it here (link)) and I think that maybe things will all be OK...
Abigail Burdess – All Kinds of Trouble
I’m in all kinds of trouble now,
The kind where you wake up on a train
And everything, everything’s strange
And where am I? And when did the season change?
I must have been asleep.
I’m sure I must be late.
I’m in all kinds of danger.
The stranger on the platform is not a proper stranger.
“You’re here with me,” he says, “isn’t it great?”
And he’s right.
The kind where there’s too much meaning on the edges of sight
Because he might be there.
The kind where you randomly weep.
I’m in deep, deep hot water.
In a boiling hot geyser
In the mists
In the midst
Of ridiculous Icelandic snow.
Y’know,
You should give up the fags and eat fruit,
Because life should last longer, this life should last longer
If someone like him exists.
Everybody. Lock away the razors and save your lovely wrists:
Someone like him exists.
I’m in every single kind of trouble now
The kind where a kind man could write himself a significant part.
I’m in very grave danger
Of a change of heart.
Most of my friends are strangers I only just met.
2.5 years ago my life got flipped turned upside-down and I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here and tell you how it happened... but I don't have time.
In that quarter decade I never have.
And though there have been moments where this is a symptom of over-working I don't think it is the main reason. Almost everything I do just feels so "right" and the things that aren't are difficult to spot but I'm working on it. I am living an amazing existence: my job has exciting potential to make a real difference, and open some major doors; I've started a "subversive" Christian newspaper that 2 weeks ago didn't exist but will (prayers said) be printed in 3 weeks - counter to all possibility. I'm coping quite well at the moment, having gotten past some massive internal struggles, and am seeing incredible occurrences on a daily basis. Church is flippin' fantastic and by golly I'm even starting to believe once more that good stuff can, nay will, happen.
But I haven't slept in the same bed continuously for as long as 2 weeks since I was in Russia this July.
And I don't know if I will until I go back.
Which is probably in 2 years time.
And it is foolish to plan that far ahead anyway.
Yet I've still got to at least try to learn the language, just in case...
I was hanging out with my equally busy, work-consumed missionary friend tonight for about 20 mins. We vowed (though accidentally broke it several times) to not talk about work. Here was our conversation:
Him: So, what sort of animal would you get?
Me: Well I was planning on "borrowing" one of my parents' cats but I'm too busy with...
[Pause]
Me: What's your favourite colour? Red?
Him: How did you know?
Me: Well, it's your car. But then you didn't choose that did you, you just had to get what you were given 'cause you're a poor missio...
[Pause, where we insulted Luke for talking geekily about Dr Who, before realising that he did, at least, have a hobby]
Me: Errrrr... what's your favourite reptile?
Him:
End of conversation.
I feel like I have no time for friends. I have nothing to talk about with friends apart from "business". The people I do know are all so relatively new and life keeps moving on so fast that sometimes I sit in the same room as them and feel like a stranger in my own life. Am I a friend I haven't met yet?
Sometimes I wish there was someone there to be my stability in this place of huge change. To know about the different parts of my life and be able to feel my pain and get me, even when I don't. Someone that doesn't feel strange. How is this even possible? Just supposing I had the time right now for a "significant other" to come along - which I don't - that level of closeness would still take ages to develop.
Then I remember this poem (that Nathan (link) posted on his blog a little while ago and gives a little bit of the info for it here (link)) and I think that maybe things will all be OK...
Abigail Burdess – All Kinds of Trouble
I’m in all kinds of trouble now,
The kind where you wake up on a train
And everything, everything’s strange
And where am I? And when did the season change?
I must have been asleep.
I’m sure I must be late.
I’m in all kinds of danger.
The stranger on the platform is not a proper stranger.
“You’re here with me,” he says, “isn’t it great?”
And he’s right.
The kind where there’s too much meaning on the edges of sight
Because he might be there.
The kind where you randomly weep.
I’m in deep, deep hot water.
In a boiling hot geyser
In the mists
In the midst
Of ridiculous Icelandic snow.
Y’know,
You should give up the fags and eat fruit,
Because life should last longer, this life should last longer
If someone like him exists.
Everybody. Lock away the razors and save your lovely wrists:
Someone like him exists.
I’m in every single kind of trouble now
The kind where a kind man could write himself a significant part.
I’m in very grave danger
Of a change of heart.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Patent Declaration of Hope on the Driveway
I got my car bashed into last week. Was a bit of a pain as it is technically undriveable now, though thankfully no-one was hurt and they accepted full responsibility. I opted to get the coach back to Bristol and make-do without, but when I found out it was going to take 2 weeks from now to get fixed I decided to take them up on the free courtesy car that I was entitled to. I was lead to believe it would be some kind of Clio - which would be fine but not my first choice.
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.
My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.
HONDA!
I love Hondas! :-D
Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.
I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.
So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.
When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)
We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.
Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related
The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related
When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related
Dream on! Even when hope is low.
A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Have some of that...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Not so cynical
I was a bit grumpy last time wasn't I?! I'm thinking about/trying not to be so cynical. There is a subtle difference between "keeping it real" and "being a miserable cow" that can't really be identified analytically but most people can sense (like trying to measure body heat with clos when you can just ask if they're comfy). I sense that I was being my "other me" then.
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.
'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.
I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.
I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.
But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.
I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...
The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.
That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?
The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Refresher
I went to freshers' fair today in Bristol. I am sort of vaguely, semi-intentionally, not yet fully decidedly how, doing some kind of student ministry this year. That could look like just about anything and I also have a part time job in London (did I mention?) that I've been doing for about a month thus far, so fitting it all in is a bit fun. But it does feel right, so long as I do it how God says to. Which, by the way, is a big 'if'.
Anyway. I went to see what was going on and to look for a feminist society - which I found and joined - 'cause I am kinda keen on female identity issues and thought they would be interesting to get to know. A few other things too, including the Russian Society - 'cause I am learning to speak that, and the Afro-Caribbean society - 'cause I want to learn to dance properly. I can say that 'cause I work with black people so I'm down wid it. It's not racism, it's International Banter.
I hate freshers' fair. It's like life. Far too busy; can't work out where lots of the stuff is that you wanna do and even if you know where they are, getting to them - through the crowds and broken/switched off lifts and general distractions and blockages - is bloody tough; too much choice and fun looking things that you know you don't have time for; necessary to engage with to get connected and make the most of the opportunity you've been presented with but still a lot of effort and doesn't really feel worth it at the time.
Yes. That is today's analogy. I wish I could stay in bed and watch box-sets every day but it turns out there is a lot going on. I'm trying to slow down - I don't want to burn out before I've even completed my recovery from last time.
Perhaps as I begin the rest of my life, like with actual university, I'll get to repeat my first year. Then take a break part way... scrape through to the end with an ok but not very good result... and curl up in a ball and die, wishing I'd made wiser choices with how to get the most out of my time there.
That doesn't actually sound like much fun. But I forgot to borrow season 1 (new) Doctor Who off of Luke so it seems my only plan thus far.
Sigh. I think I need a holiday.
Anyway. I went to see what was going on and to look for a feminist society - which I found and joined - 'cause I am kinda keen on female identity issues and thought they would be interesting to get to know. A few other things too, including the Russian Society - 'cause I am learning to speak that, and the Afro-Caribbean society - 'cause I want to learn to dance properly. I can say that 'cause I work with black people so I'm down wid it. It's not racism, it's International Banter.
I hate freshers' fair. It's like life. Far too busy; can't work out where lots of the stuff is that you wanna do and even if you know where they are, getting to them - through the crowds and broken/switched off lifts and general distractions and blockages - is bloody tough; too much choice and fun looking things that you know you don't have time for; necessary to engage with to get connected and make the most of the opportunity you've been presented with but still a lot of effort and doesn't really feel worth it at the time.
Yes. That is today's analogy. I wish I could stay in bed and watch box-sets every day but it turns out there is a lot going on. I'm trying to slow down - I don't want to burn out before I've even completed my recovery from last time.
Perhaps as I begin the rest of my life, like with actual university, I'll get to repeat my first year. Then take a break part way... scrape through to the end with an ok but not very good result... and curl up in a ball and die, wishing I'd made wiser choices with how to get the most out of my time there.
That doesn't actually sound like much fun. But I forgot to borrow season 1 (new) Doctor Who off of Luke so it seems my only plan thus far.
Sigh. I think I need a holiday.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Because it's too cool not to share
What's the deal with prime numbers? Did you know this about them:
http://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/09/11/the-ulam-spiral/
Cool, much?
In other random passing comments:
Shout out to a reader in Greece! Please reveal yourself, I've noticed you for a while and am feeling curious and friendly :-)
I've started Twittering. I'm not sure if I will keep it up but I'm called Basic Kate if you are interested and I am currently experimenting with only doing it in the 2nd person... because 3rd and 1st are so passé.
I have experienced many declaration of randomness and joy recently so am quietly optimistic about the future, in particular because:
a) I now have orange hair and everyone knows that the future's bright, the future's orange (link).
b) There are public pianos on the streets of Bristol, which means we can dance and generally feed love (with music).
I saw a hen party gather around one of the pianos, all dressed in their silly hats and looking chavy, and one of them started playing classical music really well. Expect the unexpected. She then played 'Winnie the Pooh', which I had watched repetitively for a week this summer whilst babysitting and it makes me think of blustery days, which makes me think of the winds of change...
There is hope yet. Summer sucked but this late bit of good weather is all about things coming right eventually. Just gotta wait it out.
Anyway. Just dropping by, got a lot to do, but I will be back I think... and perhaps one day soon I'll tell you a story about the future being bright and where the orange thing first came from (it wasn't really a mobile phone ad but a funny shaped carrot). It's quite an old anecdote, from before everything went bad. Perhaps bringing it back is exactly what we need for this new start. September always feels like a new start to me.
Lataz x
http://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/09/11/the-ulam-spiral/
Cool, much?
In other random passing comments:
Shout out to a reader in Greece! Please reveal yourself, I've noticed you for a while and am feeling curious and friendly :-)
I've started Twittering. I'm not sure if I will keep it up but I'm called Basic Kate if you are interested and I am currently experimenting with only doing it in the 2nd person... because 3rd and 1st are so passé.
I have experienced many declaration of randomness and joy recently so am quietly optimistic about the future, in particular because:
a) I now have orange hair and everyone knows that the future's bright, the future's orange (link).
b) There are public pianos on the streets of Bristol, which means we can dance and generally feed love (with music).
I saw a hen party gather around one of the pianos, all dressed in their silly hats and looking chavy, and one of them started playing classical music really well. Expect the unexpected. She then played 'Winnie the Pooh', which I had watched repetitively for a week this summer whilst babysitting and it makes me think of blustery days, which makes me think of the winds of change...
There is hope yet. Summer sucked but this late bit of good weather is all about things coming right eventually. Just gotta wait it out.
Anyway. Just dropping by, got a lot to do, but I will be back I think... and perhaps one day soon I'll tell you a story about the future being bright and where the orange thing first came from (it wasn't really a mobile phone ad but a funny shaped carrot). It's quite an old anecdote, from before everything went bad. Perhaps bringing it back is exactly what we need for this new start. September always feels like a new start to me.
Lataz x
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I seem to have a thing for cakes
Seriously, what do cakes mean? My analogising isn't so hot right now but there's gotta be a significance to why cake keeps coming up. Look what Lizzie sent me today:
http://whisk-kid.blogspot.com/2009/08/say-it-with-cake.html
Amazing, much? First cake wrecks, now cake promises... is there hope on the agenda??? Why cake?!
http://whisk-kid.blogspot.com/2009/08/say-it-with-cake.html
Amazing, much? First cake wrecks, now cake promises... is there hope on the agenda??? Why cake?!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Universal Cure
This one is for any Hugh Laurie fan out there. That man, wow. If I were more of a cliché I'd write something along the lines of him having been standing in the right place when God was giving out all the good stuff. This particular song is actually connected with something I have talked about before here (link) to do with Bob Dylan and his prophetic stylings (did I mention that I think pop music is prophetic?). I can't really express just how ridiculous/sublime I find this piece of comedy writing as far as it being a reminder of the irritatingly glib way that some people can go on about changing the world. But Hugh says it better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAg0ppEMbxA
He's right though. That is all we have got to do. Let's go!
P.S. The real answer is love. All you need is love. Do it.
P.P.S. Watch this space for a potentially-coming-soon synopsis of the mathematical reasons for why the Beatles were right.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAg0ppEMbxA
He's right though. That is all we have got to do. Let's go!
P.S. The real answer is love. All you need is love. Do it.
P.P.S. Watch this space for a potentially-coming-soon synopsis of the mathematical reasons for why the Beatles were right.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Let them wreck cake
I'm too busy to write, what with having a great (though still too early to not be scary) new job, but in the spirit of enjoyment here is the first in an indefinite string of vaguely amusing random stuff I have seen on the internet. 1/3 of my readers may well appreciate this one:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/09/sunday-sweets-wow.html
As for the analogising - over to you (if there is a you anymore)...
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/09/sunday-sweets-wow.html
As for the analogising - over to you (if there is a you anymore)...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Enjoy the Dot
I wrote this last week but I never did post and I don't really know why. The sentiment still holds, which is good 'cause it is supposed to. Sadly I never got a picture of my friend's prophetic jumper so you'll just have to take my word for it...
Life is a bit like a pointillism painting. Up close you haven’t got a clue but each moment is important to make the whole masterpiece. The problem is that the dark spots are as crucial to the beauty as the light spots, but far less fun to live in.
However, be they must and as you see the picture taking shape what looked like a shitty brown colour may well end up being chocolate!
That is my fortune-cookie-glib insight for you all. I'm trying not to do a whole lot of self-analysis at the moment ‘cause turns out it’s a really bad idea, so I decided to quit. Live in the moment and get what you can from it seems to be my message, as seen on the back of a friend’s jumper at dinner last night... it said ENJOY in rainbow coloured beads :-)
Life is a bit like a pointillism painting. Up close you haven’t got a clue but each moment is important to make the whole masterpiece. The problem is that the dark spots are as crucial to the beauty as the light spots, but far less fun to live in.
However, be they must and as you see the picture taking shape what looked like a shitty brown colour may well end up being chocolate!
That is my fortune-cookie-glib insight for you all. I'm trying not to do a whole lot of self-analysis at the moment ‘cause turns out it’s a really bad idea, so I decided to quit. Live in the moment and get what you can from it seems to be my message, as seen on the back of a friend’s jumper at dinner last night... it said ENJOY in rainbow coloured beads :-)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tatters
I've been struggling a lot with depression recently. It's part of the whole "burnout thing" but it isn't the first time this has happened... it is the worst since I have been a Christian though.
I can't really estimate how long this has been around - it's hardly a binary state - but though life got particularly hard this last term it wasn't until the middle of June, when my degree ended and the change of pressure inevitably hit, that I have been steadily failing at keeping on with God... Often, you see, it was a way to draw near to Him; a place where being dependent resulted in intimacy, no burden was too great and every struggle could also be seen as a blessing. Not a place of perfection but somehow different to how things are now... where, though nothing much has changed in my actual world, it just sucks. I have been rubbish in no uncertain terms and I ain't gonna dwell on my Roman's 7ish tendencies (link). Nor will I exhort the Romans 18:28-ing (link) of them with any stories, though I have them (God is good). Rather I have an analogy.
It is of course resistance training. When you work out it isn't the rep's you can do that are building muscle, but the ones you really can't. Before I was coping, so up goes the pressure. Simple. I am getting strengthened for the next fight I gotta be in (link). Turns out the stuff from before wasn't enough to grow me beyond my limits. I signed up for it with some reckless enthusiasm about being refined and thus made ready to defeat the nasties in the world, and it seems that prayer gets answered... so I am broken, like the ragged, sinewy fibres of a pumped and aching bicep.
I am not going to tell you that I am ok with this. I sometimes am (rarely) and I will be in the future but it is chronically painful a lot of the time and I am very very shaky in my sinful - that is unloving, lifeless, hopeless and generally dodge - attitude and actions. My faith is a wreck, nothing seems to be working out, and I'd rather I was driving along just dandy down the motorway that is my life instead of stuck on a back road with a girt fat tree across the path... or some such. But something put into words by the father of Sam (link), whose tragic death can teach us all a thing or two about putting up with crap, has spoken to me with a far better analogy:
I had a thought today.
It may seem a little random to you but whatever.
As I was thinking about my faith it seemed that it was in tatters around my feet. shreds of it lay all around.
And then I thought perhaps a good way to picture what faith is like would be to imagine a warehouse full of expensive material, sillk or something like that.
Then imagine that someone had placed a bomb right in the centre of the warehouse and blown it up. bits of cloth would fly all over the place and the once beautiful rolls of silk would be chard, ripped and ruined.
and now imagine me (or you?) standing amongst all the bits, the rags that were once silk sheets but are now no more than tatters.
Surely that cant be can it?
Surely our faith is so precious that it must remain in tact. Surely there are things we cannot question!
As I am thinking these thoughts I run around and try to find matching shreds and try to piece them together but I reject the idea of trying to put them back together since they can never again be the beautiful thing they once were, they will never, ever be beautiful, silky smooth, unblemished rolls of perfect silk.
But thats all I have left.
So, I gather the bits together, I carefully and lovingly sew each piece to its partner, and slowly, very, very slowly I rebuild. eventually, after the most amazing ammount of effort I get to the point where I have connected all of the pieces together and now I have a roll of silk again.
But my roll is scarred, stitched together with unskilled hands, threads sticking out here and there, a piece connected back to front and not exactly pefectly straight edged. no longer perfect, not by a long chalk but its there. All my work has seemd to have been for nothing.
How can I present my broken and ripped faith to Jesus? how will this inadequate, distorted thing ever be good enough to get me into heaven? Can I ever use it again? How dare I? what would Jesus, the "author and perfector of our faith" think.
I have not the first idea but in fear, I approach Him and present what I have.
I hold out my faith, falling apart at the seams, ragged and torn to my Lord.
He reaches out a hand to take it.
His hands are the strong hands of a carpenter, hard skinned and knocked by years of practice, but most of all I notice his wrist, torn through, a ragged hole where a nail once ruined his perfect body, I look up and see his eyes, lovingly examiniging my broken faith, his head is marked by thorns, his back is ripped to shreds by a whip that broke his body and his side is ripped open by a spear "just to see if he was dead".
and then I realise, the author and perfector of my faith understands better than I can ever do what it means to be stood among the pile of shreds that was once your beautiful faith. He knows what it means to be crushed, broken and seperated even from God in a way that I will never know.
So now I can try.
At least I can try to pick up the piecses of my faith, find a needle and thread and start to work out how it all goes together.
Thats where I am at right now...
"For it is by grace that you are saved through faith and this is not the result of your own good deeds so that no one can boast."
any one got a needle?
Thinking like this doesn't come easy to me, mind; I don't always have the 'give-a-damn'-ness to want to do that, even having realised the grace both in this parent's attitude and Jesus's actions. But the very nature of that grace necessarily says that I don't have to bring anything myself to the table to be changed. Two days after starting this post I already feel a bit more alive... and if my experience and (meagre) trust is anything to go by then this fight is not over yet...
I can't really estimate how long this has been around - it's hardly a binary state - but though life got particularly hard this last term it wasn't until the middle of June, when my degree ended and the change of pressure inevitably hit, that I have been steadily failing at keeping on with God... Often, you see, it was a way to draw near to Him; a place where being dependent resulted in intimacy, no burden was too great and every struggle could also be seen as a blessing. Not a place of perfection but somehow different to how things are now... where, though nothing much has changed in my actual world, it just sucks. I have been rubbish in no uncertain terms and I ain't gonna dwell on my Roman's 7ish tendencies (link). Nor will I exhort the Romans 18:28-ing (link) of them with any stories, though I have them (God is good). Rather I have an analogy.
It is of course resistance training. When you work out it isn't the rep's you can do that are building muscle, but the ones you really can't. Before I was coping, so up goes the pressure. Simple. I am getting strengthened for the next fight I gotta be in (link). Turns out the stuff from before wasn't enough to grow me beyond my limits. I signed up for it with some reckless enthusiasm about being refined and thus made ready to defeat the nasties in the world, and it seems that prayer gets answered... so I am broken, like the ragged, sinewy fibres of a pumped and aching bicep.
I am not going to tell you that I am ok with this. I sometimes am (rarely) and I will be in the future but it is chronically painful a lot of the time and I am very very shaky in my sinful - that is unloving, lifeless, hopeless and generally dodge - attitude and actions. My faith is a wreck, nothing seems to be working out, and I'd rather I was driving along just dandy down the motorway that is my life instead of stuck on a back road with a girt fat tree across the path... or some such. But something put into words by the father of Sam (link), whose tragic death can teach us all a thing or two about putting up with crap, has spoken to me with a far better analogy:
I had a thought today.
It may seem a little random to you but whatever.
As I was thinking about my faith it seemed that it was in tatters around my feet. shreds of it lay all around.
And then I thought perhaps a good way to picture what faith is like would be to imagine a warehouse full of expensive material, sillk or something like that.
Then imagine that someone had placed a bomb right in the centre of the warehouse and blown it up. bits of cloth would fly all over the place and the once beautiful rolls of silk would be chard, ripped and ruined.
and now imagine me (or you?) standing amongst all the bits, the rags that were once silk sheets but are now no more than tatters.
Surely that cant be can it?
Surely our faith is so precious that it must remain in tact. Surely there are things we cannot question!
As I am thinking these thoughts I run around and try to find matching shreds and try to piece them together but I reject the idea of trying to put them back together since they can never again be the beautiful thing they once were, they will never, ever be beautiful, silky smooth, unblemished rolls of perfect silk.
But thats all I have left.
So, I gather the bits together, I carefully and lovingly sew each piece to its partner, and slowly, very, very slowly I rebuild. eventually, after the most amazing ammount of effort I get to the point where I have connected all of the pieces together and now I have a roll of silk again.
But my roll is scarred, stitched together with unskilled hands, threads sticking out here and there, a piece connected back to front and not exactly pefectly straight edged. no longer perfect, not by a long chalk but its there. All my work has seemd to have been for nothing.
How can I present my broken and ripped faith to Jesus? how will this inadequate, distorted thing ever be good enough to get me into heaven? Can I ever use it again? How dare I? what would Jesus, the "author and perfector of our faith" think.
I have not the first idea but in fear, I approach Him and present what I have.
I hold out my faith, falling apart at the seams, ragged and torn to my Lord.
He reaches out a hand to take it.
His hands are the strong hands of a carpenter, hard skinned and knocked by years of practice, but most of all I notice his wrist, torn through, a ragged hole where a nail once ruined his perfect body, I look up and see his eyes, lovingly examiniging my broken faith, his head is marked by thorns, his back is ripped to shreds by a whip that broke his body and his side is ripped open by a spear "just to see if he was dead".
and then I realise, the author and perfector of my faith understands better than I can ever do what it means to be stood among the pile of shreds that was once your beautiful faith. He knows what it means to be crushed, broken and seperated even from God in a way that I will never know.
So now I can try.
At least I can try to pick up the piecses of my faith, find a needle and thread and start to work out how it all goes together.
Thats where I am at right now...
"For it is by grace that you are saved through faith and this is not the result of your own good deeds so that no one can boast."
any one got a needle?
Thinking like this doesn't come easy to me, mind; I don't always have the 'give-a-damn'-ness to want to do that, even having realised the grace both in this parent's attitude and Jesus's actions. But the very nature of that grace necessarily says that I don't have to bring anything myself to the table to be changed. Two days after starting this post I already feel a bit more alive... and if my experience and (meagre) trust is anything to go by then this fight is not over yet...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Stuck... in... traffic... and some songs from some Jacks
This analogy has been far too long in the making. It will be published tonight.
The lack of completion is itself symptomatic of where I have been "at": stuck in a traffic jam.
My past year (if not 23) has been pretty intense. The running theme, which were you a regular reader you would not have been able to avoid, is refinement: fire & purification; my weakness => His strength... and all that jazz. Seeing hope despite hate has been pretty key too, in fact most of Analogise That! seems to be about belligerent optimism in the face of despair.
Then lately, which I haven't really shared - a combination of being away and also being too tired and miserable to write - I have felt like I dropped below the hope threshold. Jack Johnson said I didn't always have to hold my head higher than my heart (link) and I glad I got his permission because I really haven't been. I've no longer had capacity to "dance on" (link) and worryingly far from feeling like God is making up for it. (That said, my trip to Russia was a crazy example of God being bigger than me, emphasized in particular by me being so tiny I could not even see it... but more another time). My last post was indicative of this (or tried t0 be) as I shared my lack of certainty in what I was seeing or believing. What was perhaps even more telling was the way I wrote in a sort of confusing and messy way! The fact is, my resources are low. I have nothing left to give and it has left me a *little* out of sorts.
The lesson, which I can so easily hear but no so easily apply, is one that says physical well-being is a really key part of emotional and spiritual health. After burning the candle at both ends for so long it is time to stop. STOP. There is a bible story about this dude called Elijah who had an amazing time seeing God at work (see here in 1 Kings 18 (link)) then, next thing you know, he is running afraid for his life and wants to die (check out 1 Kings 19 (link) if you fancy it)...
A moment for an aside about wanting to die: There's this new song by Just Jack (link) that I am still processing - lovely or not? I think it rather depends on if you watch the video but I know that like Elijah, and Paul (link), death doesn't at all feel like the worst thing that could happen to me these days. Suppose it depends on what death means to oneself. Anyway, back to the story...
So he falls asleep under a tree before an angel comes and feeds him, whereupon he sleeps and eats again. Following this he gets just enough energy to go hide in a cave, at which point he sleeps again. Now I know I've had angels looking after me, particularly when I was away (I'll write about that another time perhaps but I read a cool blog about angels (link) once, by a friend of a friend, if you're interested) and I sure as hell know I need to do a lot of eating and sleeping at the moment (where possible I've been getting up to have breakfast then going straight back to bed again - oh happy day!) and that, having barely gotten through some intense journeys, it is now time to hide in my cave and wait for it to be over.
God really spoke to me about this "low point" when I was stuck on the M25 for over 2 hours the week before last, in a traffic jam on my way back to Bristol. It was all about waiting for the wreckage to clear. Not just being patient but to be really making the most of the break... and to recognise that I was So Tired I was nearly asleep and it was probably better that I wasn't going faster than an intermittent 20mph. Enough risks have been taken so stop already. After 2 weeks of processing I can see that I am supposed to be in the queue and that the best way to live a life that feels like it's affected by metaphorical crashing is to not stress but rather accept the situation and get what I can from it. Turn up the radio, shut my eyes, then maybe read a book if I feel more awake and make eye contact with the cute passing motorist(s)! As with the traffic, I have a propensity to start off frustrated and willing it to stop but in time accepting and, following a change of perspective, beginning to appreciate the change of pace and lack of purposeful direction. Take advantage of the blockages, they may well be from an angel.
A good friend wrote a blog recently that was ironically opposite to this. I ain't gonna be passive aggressive, upfront I tells ya that it was annoyingly soppy about a road trip he was taking with his fab new gf! But I know really that it's cool to appreciate the good things in other people's lives and now I have had some sleep all cynicism has passed so I am once again happy for them and just loving the appropriateness of the metaphor that part of his "journey" was going on a journey :-) My "journey" is not the same but it's not supposed to be actually. Last time I tried to "accelerate home" I ended up overshooting by 7 junctions (link) and having to do a direct and humbling retrace. Whoops. Next time I'm not speeding anywhere till I have paid a lot more attention to the destination.
So I've been in recuperation mode, to the point that on Monday my dear mother came all the way to Bristol on the bus to drive me home in my own car. Bless her. Back in my cave with just enough energy to make it and be thoroughly attended by angelic(ish) hosts!
.
.
.
All this said, I accepted a job yesterday that starts in a month! The 1st of August is suddenly upon us and I realise I need to get my life sorted out now so that things don't go horribly wrong when I enter the real world! It seems that the traffic is slightly starting to clear and the next stage of my journey, whatever that involves, looms. I feel able to blog again as I get into a slightly more even flow... and having only just gotten used to the stop/start motion. Better make the most of still being quite slow I suddenly see, knowing just how quickly a road can clear...
I leave you on some FUNNY (link): the horrors of traffic, the lust for other people's failures. It's a shame in a way that he's so close to real life but hey, at least we know the truth about jams :o)
The lack of completion is itself symptomatic of where I have been "at": stuck in a traffic jam.
My past year (if not 23) has been pretty intense. The running theme, which were you a regular reader you would not have been able to avoid, is refinement: fire & purification; my weakness => His strength... and all that jazz. Seeing hope despite hate has been pretty key too, in fact most of Analogise That! seems to be about belligerent optimism in the face of despair.
Then lately, which I haven't really shared - a combination of being away and also being too tired and miserable to write - I have felt like I dropped below the hope threshold. Jack Johnson said I didn't always have to hold my head higher than my heart (link) and I glad I got his permission because I really haven't been. I've no longer had capacity to "dance on" (link) and worryingly far from feeling like God is making up for it. (That said, my trip to Russia was a crazy example of God being bigger than me, emphasized in particular by me being so tiny I could not even see it... but more another time). My last post was indicative of this (or tried t0 be) as I shared my lack of certainty in what I was seeing or believing. What was perhaps even more telling was the way I wrote in a sort of confusing and messy way! The fact is, my resources are low. I have nothing left to give and it has left me a *little* out of sorts.
The lesson, which I can so easily hear but no so easily apply, is one that says physical well-being is a really key part of emotional and spiritual health. After burning the candle at both ends for so long it is time to stop. STOP. There is a bible story about this dude called Elijah who had an amazing time seeing God at work (see here in 1 Kings 18 (link)) then, next thing you know, he is running afraid for his life and wants to die (check out 1 Kings 19 (link) if you fancy it)...
A moment for an aside about wanting to die: There's this new song by Just Jack (link) that I am still processing - lovely or not? I think it rather depends on if you watch the video but I know that like Elijah, and Paul (link), death doesn't at all feel like the worst thing that could happen to me these days. Suppose it depends on what death means to oneself. Anyway, back to the story...
So he falls asleep under a tree before an angel comes and feeds him, whereupon he sleeps and eats again. Following this he gets just enough energy to go hide in a cave, at which point he sleeps again. Now I know I've had angels looking after me, particularly when I was away (I'll write about that another time perhaps but I read a cool blog about angels (link) once, by a friend of a friend, if you're interested) and I sure as hell know I need to do a lot of eating and sleeping at the moment (where possible I've been getting up to have breakfast then going straight back to bed again - oh happy day!) and that, having barely gotten through some intense journeys, it is now time to hide in my cave and wait for it to be over.
God really spoke to me about this "low point" when I was stuck on the M25 for over 2 hours the week before last, in a traffic jam on my way back to Bristol. It was all about waiting for the wreckage to clear. Not just being patient but to be really making the most of the break... and to recognise that I was So Tired I was nearly asleep and it was probably better that I wasn't going faster than an intermittent 20mph. Enough risks have been taken so stop already. After 2 weeks of processing I can see that I am supposed to be in the queue and that the best way to live a life that feels like it's affected by metaphorical crashing is to not stress but rather accept the situation and get what I can from it. Turn up the radio, shut my eyes, then maybe read a book if I feel more awake and make eye contact with the cute passing motorist(s)! As with the traffic, I have a propensity to start off frustrated and willing it to stop but in time accepting and, following a change of perspective, beginning to appreciate the change of pace and lack of purposeful direction. Take advantage of the blockages, they may well be from an angel.
A good friend wrote a blog recently that was ironically opposite to this. I ain't gonna be passive aggressive, upfront I tells ya that it was annoyingly soppy about a road trip he was taking with his fab new gf! But I know really that it's cool to appreciate the good things in other people's lives and now I have had some sleep all cynicism has passed so I am once again happy for them and just loving the appropriateness of the metaphor that part of his "journey" was going on a journey :-) My "journey" is not the same but it's not supposed to be actually. Last time I tried to "accelerate home" I ended up overshooting by 7 junctions (link) and having to do a direct and humbling retrace. Whoops. Next time I'm not speeding anywhere till I have paid a lot more attention to the destination.
So I've been in recuperation mode, to the point that on Monday my dear mother came all the way to Bristol on the bus to drive me home in my own car. Bless her. Back in my cave with just enough energy to make it and be thoroughly attended by angelic(ish) hosts!
.
.
.
All this said, I accepted a job yesterday that starts in a month! The 1st of August is suddenly upon us and I realise I need to get my life sorted out now so that things don't go horribly wrong when I enter the real world! It seems that the traffic is slightly starting to clear and the next stage of my journey, whatever that involves, looms. I feel able to blog again as I get into a slightly more even flow... and having only just gotten used to the stop/start motion. Better make the most of still being quite slow I suddenly see, knowing just how quickly a road can clear...
I leave you on some FUNNY (link): the horrors of traffic, the lust for other people's failures. It's a shame in a way that he's so close to real life but hey, at least we know the truth about jams :o)
Monday, July 20, 2009
A Russian Doll Analogy
I'm back! And with me comes an anecdote from my time away that is also the perfect analogy for how I feel about Russia and my relationship with her. However, today I'm not going to tell it 'cause I want to talk about a ridiculous/horrible thing that I have been reading about on the internet, and Russia must wait 'til I am slightly more recovered and able to process choesively.
It all began when a (very bold) fox came into my folks' garden this evening and there was a bit of a hullabaloo about chasing it off. I must say I was suspicious of it from the start, but I figured that was due to this post here (link) (where foxes become a metaphor for mild destruction) and that perhaps I was allowing myself to over-analogise again. WRONG. I need to stop listening to the lies that analogies lose meaning when they are extrapolated - they just need more creative imagination!
Anyway. Why was this wrong? Well, it surprised me that other people didn't say "awwwww" like I would've, had I not got my former analogy, but then Tom (brother from another mother) said that it would eat the cats (of which we have 3). Ridiculous we laughed. Then we googled it and look at this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/4195162/Hungry-foxes-start-eating-the-nations-cats.html
See, it's in the newspaper, it must be real! :-O There are tons of other horror stories on newsgroups that I would not recommend you reading.
OK, perhaps this isn't the normal fox/cat relationship and some of the accounts may be dubious. However, it is still a very powerful image for me. Some of you may be aware of my Dog of Death (link), the bad symbol that preceded (and was also a part of) a whole lot of death, sadness, destruction, difficulty and general crapness that hit not long after I began writing enthusiastically about hope and joy. I then discovered my Cat of Redemption (link), who represents the good that can come out of bad, the life after death.
So put the two together and we see the good things we know being threated.
It's an even greater danger when we don't believe it is possible, doubting as I did that there was really a risk. But then that is not to say that one concerned cat breeder's reaction is right either:
"I have now given up breeding because it has become too dangerous for the cats. My surviving cats live in a state of siege and I have been left devastated and traumatised." (link)
It's interesting for me to be aware of the ways in which recently my "cats" have been threated by "foxes" that I have not been wary enough of. We know there are threats out there, and also the risk of being too afraid and so missing out on the good stuff, but there is a third and for me even more relevant issue: the analogy within the analogy of my initial false mistrust of the metaphor, as opposed to mistrust of the fox. A danger to not heed the warning because of a lack of faith (which I have definitely been aware of lately).
Ironically, the challenge of my not trusting what I may or may not be "hearing" from God [insert your prefered source of truth here] though analogies comes in the form of an analogy, and an extrapolated one at that! I'm not entirely sure what to do at this seeming impasse but I am aware I have my doubts and confusion over what is true and what is not and in time I hope that God will resolve them. I suppose that somewhere the moral (should I choose to heed it) is not to believe in what He may or may not be saying/doing but rather in Him. After all, with or without acceptance of the analogy the fox was well and truly chased away...
It all began when a (very bold) fox came into my folks' garden this evening and there was a bit of a hullabaloo about chasing it off. I must say I was suspicious of it from the start, but I figured that was due to this post here (link) (where foxes become a metaphor for mild destruction) and that perhaps I was allowing myself to over-analogise again. WRONG. I need to stop listening to the lies that analogies lose meaning when they are extrapolated - they just need more creative imagination!
Anyway. Why was this wrong? Well, it surprised me that other people didn't say "awwwww" like I would've, had I not got my former analogy, but then Tom (brother from another mother) said that it would eat the cats (of which we have 3). Ridiculous we laughed. Then we googled it and look at this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/4195162/Hungry-foxes-start-eating-the-nations-cats.html
See, it's in the newspaper, it must be real! :-O There are tons of other horror stories on newsgroups that I would not recommend you reading.
OK, perhaps this isn't the normal fox/cat relationship and some of the accounts may be dubious. However, it is still a very powerful image for me. Some of you may be aware of my Dog of Death (link), the bad symbol that preceded (and was also a part of) a whole lot of death, sadness, destruction, difficulty and general crapness that hit not long after I began writing enthusiastically about hope and joy. I then discovered my Cat of Redemption (link), who represents the good that can come out of bad, the life after death.
So put the two together and we see the good things we know being threated.
It's an even greater danger when we don't believe it is possible, doubting as I did that there was really a risk. But then that is not to say that one concerned cat breeder's reaction is right either:
"I have now given up breeding because it has become too dangerous for the cats. My surviving cats live in a state of siege and I have been left devastated and traumatised." (link)
It's interesting for me to be aware of the ways in which recently my "cats" have been threated by "foxes" that I have not been wary enough of. We know there are threats out there, and also the risk of being too afraid and so missing out on the good stuff, but there is a third and for me even more relevant issue: the analogy within the analogy of my initial false mistrust of the metaphor, as opposed to mistrust of the fox. A danger to not heed the warning because of a lack of faith (which I have definitely been aware of lately).
Ironically, the challenge of my not trusting what I may or may not be "hearing" from God [insert your prefered source of truth here] though analogies comes in the form of an analogy, and an extrapolated one at that! I'm not entirely sure what to do at this seeming impasse but I am aware I have my doubts and confusion over what is true and what is not and in time I hope that God will resolve them. I suppose that somewhere the moral (should I choose to heed it) is not to believe in what He may or may not be saying/doing but rather in Him. After all, with or without acceptance of the analogy the fox was well and truly chased away...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"The best way to strip the allure and dreaminess from a lifelong dream is, very often, simply to have it come true"
I read this on 22 words (link) and I thought it was apt. Partly because it has a vague Russian link and I'm going there this Friday. Mostly because with all my talk about dreaming and all my dreams falling through I like the comfort!
This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.
Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.
I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.
Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.
I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.
Undone. Redone
Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?
Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare
Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime
Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.
But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance
With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.
Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot
Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.
Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.
The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.
I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.
With love,
Kat(i)e x
This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.
Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.
I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.
Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.
I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.
Undone. Redone
Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?
Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare
Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime
Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.
But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance
With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.
Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot
Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.
Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.
The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.
I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.
With love,
Kat(i)e x
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Don't think I'll be blogging much for a while. That's not a promise, I just don't feel like it right now and I'm going away soon too. For those that are interested I did finish my degree, I don't know what I got (though I find out in 2 days - the beauty of having a late extension is you don't have to wait long) and I haven't a clue what I am going to do next or for the rest of my life.
But I don't really care. At the moment I'm focusing on catching up sleep and getting away from it all... not quite ready yet to rejoin the world I'm meant to be a part of so a month overseas with strangers sounds perfect.
I'm excited about being creative in other ways for a while actually. Blogging's been my thing for over a year, perhaps it's time for a change.
See you around... or not.
But I don't really care. At the moment I'm focusing on catching up sleep and getting away from it all... not quite ready yet to rejoin the world I'm meant to be a part of so a month overseas with strangers sounds perfect.
I'm excited about being creative in other ways for a while actually. Blogging's been my thing for over a year, perhaps it's time for a change.
See you around... or not.
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